Marriages

What makes a marriage last? Look around at your marriage and your friends' marriages. Do you ever wonder what makes it all 'work'?

J. and I are watching from afar the implosion of a 32+ year marriage and pondering all the 'change' afoot in that relationship. Watching one person cling desperately to the hope for reconciliation while the other person makes it glaringly clear (and obvious) they are done. Sad to hear the wife prepared a great anniversary dinner complete with gift and card - and this was AFTER they'd agreed to separate officially - having finally confessed to their adult children the marriage is 'on the rocks' (to put it mildly - an example of stating the obvious). And to be shocked when her soon to be ex- spouse (by all appearances) did nothing - no gift, no card, no acknowledgment whatsoever....and was devastated all over again at the clarity which is occurring, despite their best efforts to delay or mitigate the inevitable.

This couple are not 'best friends' - but they are friends. We see them socially on occasion and I lunch with the wife frequently. I consider her a very dear friend and it's been very hard for me to listen carefully and thoughtfully while in my head, I am screaming 'you need to let go and move on'. She hasn't been ready to let go - insisting (with tears) 'I'm not ready to give up on a 32 year marriage'.

But he is - and he finally (FINALLY) said those words and made it clear that reconciliation is not what he wants or what he intends. Up until a few weeks ago, he was still stating 'I want to be married. I want marriage'. I think the unspoken part of that was 'but to someone else - not to you anymore'.

It's all being sorted and worked out and I feel badly for both of them - 32 years is a long, long time. I can't imagine my life without J. - and the thought of either one of us choosing to not be married to the other is painful, even just to think about. And yet.....I suppose it's possible. We've made it two decades - and have no intention of not making it another four decades - but we never really know, do we?

I'd like to think that in the (I hope) unlikely event J. ever decided this marriage wasn't what he wanted, I'd handle it gracefully and let go as kindly and humanely as possible. I think the thing that's been absolutely hardest for me about watching these friends marriage disintegrate has been one person's total and complete disregard for the feelings of the other. Isn't love about sacrificing what's 'easy' for what's best for the other person? If J. found someone else who made his eyes light up and quickened his step at the mere thought of her, I think I'd wish for him to be happy. I will always want him to be happy - even if it means that I am unhappy.

Now, I admit: this friend's husband has been having (at the very least) an affair of the heart with someone else....and this is not the first time he's 'strayed' in this marriage. She's already forgiven him once - and they moved on from his 'fling'. But this isn't a fling - he's re-connected with his high school love and he's disconnected from his wife - and he's terribly, deeply sad and sorry but at the same time, he wants what he wants. If my husband were (by all appearances) as ready for change as our friend is, I think I'd have to let him go - because I'd want him to be happy, ultimately. Keeping him in a relationship he doesn't want to be in with someone he doesn't want to be with anymore seems wrong.

I think of my sister - the first statement she made to me when she moved out of her home was 'he's not happy. And I want him to be happy'. I've been thinking about that the past couple months - about how she put him first - even after he trampled and smashed her heart to bits, she loved him enough (still) to want him to be happy. So she did what he couldn't do: she moved forward and moved out.

I am not in the shoes of my friend. I am not the wronged wife. I have not forgiven an affair ever (and sure hope I never have to). So I can't really put myself in her shoes and I know I shouldn't judge. It sounds like I am - but I truly don't mean for it to. I just think that when faced with the obvious, clinging to the past isn't healthy. And I want my friend to be happy again. She thinks staying married will make her happy - but it won't. And in a few years, she'll look back and realize she wasn't really all that happy at this point, anyway. Change is always hard....and letting go is so much harder.

They will find happiness again in their lives - but not with each other. And that's what I wish for them both: happiness. I want them to be happy. And at the moment, that happiness appears to be more likely apart vs. together. That's the hard part - the gut-wrenching, heart breaking hard part.