Solo

I am ending a long term relationship in the next few weeks. The "K" who this blog was started for, sort of, is my psychotherapist. Took many years to be able to admit to being 'in therapy' but I have been for a long time. And honestly thought I would be for a long time to come.

But at some point (and for me, personally, I hit this point in the past couple months), the therapy starts to be 'not needed'. I know who I am. Warts and all. I know the things that push my buttons and the buttons that exist. And while spending time with K. on a monthly basis is comfortable and something I will miss, at some point, I just have to realize that I am who I am - basically a loner, married w/ 2 kids; filled with angst [at times]; and regrets [at times]. But we all are. That's life.

I'm learning and practicing to not 'dwell' on things I can't change. Simple but for me, practicing that daily is something I have to work on. I'm learning to 'let go'. I have a lot of 'life crap' - I know that sounds bad and it isn't anything horrificly tragic like abuse or anything like that - but I didn't have a stellar childhood. And trying to convince myself that I did because that's what I wanted to believe didn't work. And it didn't work for A LOT OF YEARS. K. helped me get the 'not so great-ness' of my childhood defined and 'out there'. And when you understand what wasn't so great about it, and why, and start to learn to 'deal' with it, it helps.

So I'm moving on. Leaving the door open if needed in the future. If some major life-event turns me on my ear again (as the birth of my first child did oh so many years ago). But I'm giving up the 'someone to talk to' - the arbitrary third party who only knows my side of the stories. Heading out into the great 'unknown' - a world of marriage and life without therapy. I'm strangely exhilarated about it.

K. is one of my best friends. Truly. A friend you don't see socially and never will. A friend you don't exchange Christmas cards with and never will. A friend who I honestly know very little about. But 'friend' is the only word to describe her. And this friend changed my life for the better in so many zillions of ways that it is impossible to put into words. And that says a lot 'cuz anyone who knows me knows I don't have trouble speaking up. I owe that to K., also. After years of being voiceless, I found mine and she's responsible for that.

I ask K. sometimes why/how she does what she does - spends hours listening to people moan and groan about life. She said 'because people get better'. I am living proof of that. I consider myself a shining example of her expertise and I'm proud to be that.

Thanks, K., for everything. See you for our 'bon voyage' session in a couple weeks.