Can't Miss July

I just updated a couple draft posts and got those up - finally.  I'm an annoying retired person - the days just blend one after the other and having a post in draft stage that I had decided to add some pics to just extends the time it takes for me to 'make it so'.  There's no reason for this.  Days just fly by filled with whatever it is we're doing and it's already August in a couple days!  Yikes!  

Yesterday, we got a call from an NCL (Norwegian Cruise Lines) rep telling us we had a special offer from the 'Casino at Sea' side of the business - a totally free Ocean View cruise.  Great news!  Except today was the deadline for a huge amount of freebies and two for one airfare - so we had to really move fast to decide where to go.  We decided to do a Caribbean cruise and add some time before and after the cruise so we can visit Disneyworld!  November, 2022!  We also have a Mexican Riviera booked for October, 2021, and an Alaska Cruise booked for June, 2022.  A very full travel itinerary.  

Have to mention that we've been contacted previously by two other NCL reps - one who mentioned she 'saw something on our account' but never followed up with us to confirm what the offer was.  The call we received yesterday was the first time we've known we had a free cruise offered directly from the Casino Cruise department of NCL.  Most of our cruise offers are via various casinos we play at.  We just received another offer from a Reno casino we play at once in a while for another NCL cruise!  Woot woot!  

Today, Nevada reinstated mask requirements for any public place.  COVID infections are spiking everywhere and the Delta variant is also on the increase.  Some reports of fully vaccinated people dying from the Delta variant which is scary.  Gave me huge pause as we booked another travel event but it's 15 months out so....we'll see.  If we feel uncomfortable about our October cruise, we will cancel it.  

I'm just so much a homebody these days.  Ask me where I most want to be and it's home.  We're booking cruises because we have pre-paid certificates to use up - but honestly, traveling doesn't interest me much these days.  I'm trying to snap out of it because J. so loves to travel.  

B. visited us from July 1st through the 7th.  His passport update didn't happen quickly enough for him to travel to Croatia - so he substituted a trip to visit the parentals.  We had a wonderful time doing not much of anything special.  His friend R. made the trip from Tracy to spend time with him - they enjoyed a night at Atlantis and spent time catching up.  It was great to see him!

H. started a new job as a sheet metal cutter.  It's full time with benefits (after 90 days) and pays more than the maintenance company.  He seems to be enjoying it - but our contact with him is on the ebb and that's OK.  I'm trying super hard to not hover and mother him to death.  Some of the stuff that's happened lately has me scratching my head in wonderment but....I just have to assume what he says is true even when there is plenty of history to give pause things might not be as he says.  He does sound good - much better.  More confident and 'lighter' in his demeanor which is great.  We do hope he will visit before year end but...we have to wait and see.  His job comes first - he has to support himself.  

J. and I watch TV every evening - we binge watch a series at a time.  Last night, we finished Season 3 of "Startup" and can't wait for Season 4.  

Days just fly by - 

 

Houdini Cat

The last of the cosmetic repairs to the house happened this morning.  A small piece of laminate flooring came up a while back - I think I tossed it because at the time, we didn't realize it was originally along the base of the cabinets in the kitchen.  We notified the builder and they arranged to have the flooring installers fix the issue.  They were very booked so we've been waiting a while.  In the time it took to arrange the fix, two more small pieces went missing.  

The only culprit in the house who is sneaky and OCD enough to work so hard at getting those small pieces out is Nala.  She is relentless.  I am positive those small pieces are hidden somewhere in the house - someday, we'll find them. 

A Birthday to Remember

Two nights at Atlantis for me - Thursday alone and Friday joined by J. .  Our casino host arranged to take a group of Atlantis guests to the show "Viva LaCirque" at the Grand Sierra Resort.  Technically, the two resorts are neighbors and we've never been invited to a show at a different property before - but in a true post-pandemic season of cooperation and getting people to feel comfortable going out and doing things, it was nice to have one casino invite another casino to bring guests to a show.  

The show was really great - a very small troupe of performers and the show was about an hour long - interesting acts and good energy.  J. and I had received an offer from GSR to attend but we decided not to spend money on a show at this point - but when our host offered us the chance to go with Atlantis picking up the tickets, we said 'yes'!  Atlantis providing a to/from shuttle was the icing on the cake!  

I had a blast on Thursday playing.  Hit two Major jackpots on Dragonlink on Thursday including one at 10:36PM that ended up being a hand pay (> $1200).  The Major had been topped out at $1,000 for a few days (which I knew because I played next to the machine most of Thursday and a guy was on the topped out Major machine and said he'd been trying for 3 days to hit it.  (Detail: he was betting 50 cents a pull.  No matter what....he stuck with that bet.  He did throw in some $1.25 wagers now and then but it was 50 cents spin after spin.  I know any random spin can trigger any bonus, jackpot, etc. - and I have seen people win a Major jackpot on Dragonlink more than once on a 50 cent bet - but only at our small, local casino here in Carson.  Never, ever at Atlantis)).  After the machine next to his paid me out pretty big - including hitting a Major on my machine which helped me recover some of what I'd lost - I moved on to other machines.  Later, ran in to him again on the Dragonlink machines downstairs - he said the topped out Major upstairs hadn't hit.  So...late evening on Thursday, I headed up there and decided to try a strategy I'd learned from a guy a while back.  He said 'anytime there's a topped out Major, bet $10'.  

Now that's a big bet for me.  REALLY BIG.  I'm not a 50 cent spin after spin fan - but my typical bet is $3 or less.  Most often less.  But I'd had a good day....had a ticket to put in for $219 and just to 'stake my claim and show I was serious' (like the machine knows...LOL), I added another $100.  So $319 in, switched to 2 cent denomination, took a deep breath and told myself '31 spins.  You WILL give it 31 spins at $10 a spin and we'll see what happens'.  Resisting the urge to not spin, I pushed the button. 

VERY FIRST SPIN - THIS HAPPENED!  

 

Totally AMAZING!   The final win was $1,340 - second hand pay I'd had on that bank of machines in a week. 

I had another Major Dragonlink win on Friday - but did lose that day.  (It was a 5x comp day.  Slots almost always pay out less on days when the casino is giving you more comps for your play). 

After a decent night's sleep, we enjoyed a brunch at the buffet and were so excited to have it be back to a normal buffet!  Get your own plate and serve yourself what you want!  It was awesome!!   

I had checked the Atlantis website on Thursday before heading to Reno - the June monthly free play offer was posted ($150 a week one time - same as it's been for us for a while) but there were no 'extra' free play events in June.  Felt disappointed about that but also thought 'well, June 4th was the anniversary of the re-opening so it's been a year and I guess they don't need to/want to entice us with free play'.  But I logged in to our player's account this morning before we headed to breakfast and there WAS extra free play today and next Saturday!  SCORE!  

With J.'s OK, I cashed in some comps for free play and combined with the extra free play today, I turned a good amount of free play into the same amount in cash - pretty amazing.  Helped by this amazing 'full screen' of the highest paying symbol - $375 on one spin!!  Woot woot.  

(FYI - last week, I had the same thing happen on the same machine - full screen with a HUGE bet...resulted in a $3,390 hand pay!  WOOT WOOT!).  

 It was a lovely birthday and being sixty one feels great!   

So Often Hard to Remember

This post was written in early May, 2021.  My emotions were too raw at the time to post but re-reading it today, it feels OK to go ahead and push 'publish'.  

Loving someone with addiction and mental health issues is incredibly hard.  Answers aren't easy.  Action plans aren't either.  Loving someone with a love that's bigger than the cosmos doesn't solve the day to day stuff that happens.  

When I share 'stuff', I'm mindful that it's H.'s challenges I'm broadcasting into the cosmos...but I'm a family member of someone with these issues and I can say that if I don't write about them, if I'm not honest about all the feelings that happen, it just makes me feel even worse.

Thank you for reading.  

It's so easy to think the worst of someone or something, you know?  So many times in recent weeks, my feelings escalate to being completely pissed off about a situation or a person.  Launching immediately  into assuming the absolute worst in any situation never helps.  It sends me down a rabbit hole of emotions that are really hard to crawl back out of.  

Having a family member with some mental health issues happening - fighting against a current they can't scramble out of fast enough - feeling broken, lost, exhausted, sad.  Those words also describe me on a fairly regular basis, too, because it's hard to know what to do, really.  Trying to remind them to pick one thing - no matter how small - and see it through.  Sometimes just taking that first step will lighten the load and help the person see that even in the darkest, hardest times when your psyche is trying to crush you, you are still capable of so much.  You just have to drag yourself there sometimes to see that.  

H. has a lot of positive things happening around him- finally qualifying for some state programs to help with living expenses; medical care.  All those things will help tremendously in ensuring he can get medication if needed; have assistance with food and lodging expenses.   He's working regularly but the job isn't 40 hours a week guaranteed so in weeks when the work is light, the struggle to survive is overwhelming.  

We encourage him to go to the unemployment office and look at job posting boards.  He says he's applying everywhere - he does get text and email messages about jobs - but I get lots of those, too, since I retired and a lot of times, you click on the job and it says 'this job has expired - check out this job instead'....and the 'this job instead' is doing pizza delivery or something.  (No, I'm not looking for a job).  

H. hasn't figured out (yet, still) that the lapses that end up with him using drugs again keep rebenching and restarting over trust that has been dramatically destroyed over and over again.  Do I think his mental health issues are an excuse to use heroin?  Absolutely not.  But I think his mental health issues overshadow virtually every part of his life and without addressing those root causes (anxiety, depression), it will always be like climbing Mt. Everest to keep him from using a chemical to feel better.  Or to feel anything, maybe.  

He's not in a good living situation - and he is the first to admit his current situation is entirely his fault.  Had to move from where he was due to his drug use and is now living in a house with 8 other people, including 3 kids under the age of 3.  On the phone earlier this evening, he shared how he never has any down time.  Never has time to rest, regroup - people and kids in and out of his room constantly.  It really hit me how hard that is for him - because he's wired so much like me.  I need alone time.  I crave it.  If I didn't have the ability to create alone time for myself daily, I couldn't survive, really.  I can't imagine how it would feel to just have days stretch into work and going 'home' - only 'home' isn't where you want to be and you aren't able to do the self-care you need because 8 other people and all the stuff that goes with having young kids around isn't really conducive to finding some 'time for myself quiet time'.  

H. had committed to doing something for me last Friday - it's Monday evening and he hasn't done it.  Gave me scenario after scenario - driving here so will do it then.  Had to do something else but don't worry, I'll do it when I do [insert something else].  Over and over.  Today, realizing it still wasn't done, I gave him an earful.  He says 'I'm not jerking you around - I intended to do it but couldn't because [insert whatever].  I told him 'if you tell me five different times that your plan to take care of it is [insert whatever] and you repeatedly still don't do it, that IS jerking me around, H..  There's absolutely no way in a 24 hour day times four that you couldn't arrange to wedge in 20 minutes to do it.  It's just about priorities.  You don't make doing things you've promised you will do a priority - so yes, that's you jerking us around.  It's disrespectful and rude, takes advantage of us repeatedly.  

He was emotional.  And in that moment, I realize that he is struggling a lot more than he wants us/me to know.  He always calls to say how things are going and makes everything sound fine - only he's not fine.  Sometimes he says that 'I'm not in a good place'.  But I don't really equate it to what he's trying to say - he's going through a period of getting out of bed and getting through a day of work is just about all he can do.  When he explains about how there are little kids popping into his room; 8 people and all the noise that goes with that - he isn't getting anytime to focus on his mental health and some quiet time.  

I called him back a couple times - talking through some steps to take.  He can put a lock on the bedroom door - that will prevent the little people in the house from coming into H.'s room.  He's going to talk to the homeowner to confirm it would be OK to put a 'flip lock' on - way less expensive than a doorknob.  He finally made it to DMV and got a Texas ID card so now he'll be able to apply for State aide programs including Medicaid.  Food stamps will help with his food budget and he will also get rent subsidies.  He knew all these things were available but didn't have an ID card and because of COVID, had a very hard time getting an appointment at DMV to get the card.  

He also found out that he would have qualified for unemployment when the gas station job ended - and he can apply for that and be paid unemployment for that time period.  Those funds coming in will help him build a cushion in savings - 

I tried hard to remind him of the things he can do and things that will help - tax refund arriving soon, too.  He started sounding better....and I ratcheted back my pissiness as fast as I could.  I never intend to be hard on him - truly, I don't - but so many times the situations and issues just feel never ending and overwhelming for me, too.  

I think he desperately wants to 'come home'.  Home being here with us in a house he's never seen.  But I can't do that.  We won't do that.  It's a free country and he can certainly live anywhere he wants - when he's got the funds needed to get here and have somewhere to live that doesn't involve us supporting him.  Moving to Texas was his fresh start that he said he desperately needed.  We gave him that - including quite a bit of financial support (all in the form of 'loans' with the associated expectation of repayment at some point) - and it sure hasn't gone well.  While we'll probably never know for sure the true, real timeline, he started using drugs again while in Texas thus making the 'fresh start' no start at all.  

Just Stuff

Unsure what to write these days.  Plenty to tell....family stuff, gambling jaunts, etc. .  But I stay silent.  Not sure why.  Guess with not working comes the realization that day to day is just a host of stuff and while I write for me, it's all pretty mundane.  

Sure, I could do posts about wins and losses....especially the wins.  Sometimes I think I should since I love remembering them, right?  But then I start to move the pics from my phone to my computer, name them, try to figure out the story of the post...it's just too much.  

I have had decent luck of late and while I have lost some this week (vs. last week where I won so much it was insane) I'm still plenty solvent. 

J. and I went to Atlantis today because he played in another Black Jack tournament.  He really enjoys the play and it's totally free to us - so it's a nice way to spend time there with him doing something he really enjoys.  I lost off and on all morning and then I had made some back up but still down quite a bit.  

I left J. (post tournament - he didn't place to move on to later rounds but oh well - he had fun and that's the most important thing) at the Dragonlink machine I was on and went to do free play.  Turned $120 into $50 cash and then lost it trying to hit something bigger.  I returned to Dragonlink and J. decided to go sit in the comfy, cozy VIP lounge.  I decided to try the machine one more time with some aggressive betting and put in $100.  Very first spin on a $5 bet, penny denomination, I hit $145.  Very next spin, same bet hit another $145!  With those amazing wins, I changed to dime denomination and bet a whopping $12.50 - and a few spins in (thank goodness!  That's a BIG bet for me), I won $737.50!  That was enough.  Said goodbye to the fun friends I was playing with, cashed out and headed to VIP.  When I did the 'reckoning' when we got home, I was still down just a little but it was OK.  Glad my Hail Mary play paid off!  

I've been feeling not great for weeks - still having bladder issues and a sinus infection that I've been doing all my 'home treatments' for.  Would have gone to the doctor weeks ago but I didn't actually have a primary care anymore.  She left the practice - and I'd never actually met her anyway - was seeing a physician's assistant via telenet.  Not the same thing at all.  So I knew I wanted to make a change.  I finally went to the medical group J. goes to and his PCP is amazing - I opted to find my own doctor and preferably a lady.  I went yesterday for the first time and was so blown away by the experience.  She spent close to an hour with me - reviewing medical history, talking through previous conditions, etc. .  She didn't hesitate to treat my bladder issues - and not only did she treat the 'acute' phase that was starting up again, she gave me medication to take a daily prophylactic dose as well.  AND an antibiotic for my sinuses which she agreed 'look pretty angry'.  The bladder meds have refills to get me through a full year of a small daily dose if that's what it takes - but we also talked through other things I will do to try to right the ship.  LOTS MORE WATER is top of the list.  I try so hard to stay well hydrated - but when it hurts to urinate, the natural inclination is to avoid liquids so you won't have to go as often. Bad approach.  I'm working on 80 ounces a day minimum in water - plus my morning coffee.  

I texted J. within a few minutes of meeting the nurse (who got me settled in the exam room) 'it is so nice to feel heard for the first time in forever'.  

I practically floated out of the office - just knowing that I have finally found a PCP that is a great 'fit' for me.  She's concerned, wants me to feel my best every single day and encouraged me to come in whenever needed so she can do what she can to help.  Such a HUGE difference.  (I won't go into all the crap that happened at the first practice I tried - it was OK for a while but when it started being not OK, it went downhill in a majorly crashing way.  I'm very glad to not be going there anymore). 

Spring has definitely sprung here in Carson.  This week are the first nights since October that I haven't needed to run the heater a bit to take the chill of my bedroom when I head to bed.  J. has been working SO HARD outside - we have so many more weeds than we ever anticipated and the way to handle them is to remove them ASAP and then we've been using Preen pellets.  The pellets have to be watered in well after applying so it's a process.  Our landscaper stopped by yesterday - we lost about 20 plants over the winter and it sounds like he's going to replace them for us.  He said that using the Preen product will help but it does build up over time so it will take awhile.  He also said this year has been really bad for weeds which is unusual because there wasn't a ton of snow or moisture this winter.  (I happened upon a Power Point presentation about Carson Emergency agencies and there were 23 'red flag' days for wind in 2020 compared to low teens for previous few years....so it seems a lot of wind spread weeds everywhere).  

Things are greening up, flowering and generally looking beautiful.  I will try to get some pics up this week to share.  Birds are returning to the bird baths and Nala and Muf are enjoying some outdoor time in a gazebo 'play pen' I bought.  Designed for outings with a baby, it (so far) is working - they tolerate being 'enclosed' and enjoy seeing outside.  Muf (as always) is super chill.  Nala frets a lot because she realizes she can't get out so she gets panicked about it.  Technically, she can get out - the canopy has openings at the canopy bottom/top of the walls - but she hasn't figured that out yet.  I think I could stitch or glue velcro to get the openings closed - and may try that if they try to escape.  I told J. 'if this doesn't work, I'm going to spend thousands building them a true 'catio'.'  Google it.  It's a thing!  

Tomorrow is Mother's Day and I'm missing my sons.  B. called on Thursday and said 'what do you want for Mom's day, Mom'.  I replied 'something from your heart'.  He said 'I'll do my best'.  I replied 'well, it's only a few days away so don't worry - I'll be fine'.  Who knows.  Our savings account will provide me with some Mom's Day extra play money so I will probably go play slots for a bit here in Carson. 

The upcoming week is busy - we're approaching the one year anniversary of owning this house and that's the deadline for 'cosmetic' repairs.  Still have a couple things hanging out including some light fixture and electrical switch issues, a small flooring issue and (still) more paint stuff than I can keep track of.  Ready to let the cosmetic paint issues go 'cuz I'm over it already.  We will get the flooring and electrical stuff sorted.  J. (finally) called Best Buy to schedule their assistance in moving the TV in our office and in J.'s bedroom onto mounts on the wall.  We also have a Zoom call with our financial advisor who checks in with us every two to three months.  We'll see if he's proposing making any changes to our investment mix.  We've hit a milestone of sorts where he might be tempted to ratchet back now that we've hit a target - but we're inclined to keep it growing a bit if possible.  We'll see what he thinks.  We trust him completely and whatever he thinks we should do, we likely will.  

After 31 years together, J. and I decided enough was enough.  Why are we torturing ourselves?  Time to make a huge change.  We finally broke down and bought an 'everyday' salt and pepper shaker set.  No more using the huge Costco salt and pepper, pouring some in our hands and sprinkling over our food.  We are legit now!  I love Amazon.  $8.95 and here in a day!

Guess that's all the news for now.  I will try to post some pics to add interest.  My lack of postings is just the realization that time goes so incredibly quickly and the days just zoom by.  

Life is good.  Blessed, thankful and grateful sums up life these days.  

Looking Forward to a Shot

My second Covid-19 vaccination is this Friday morning and I've never looked forward to a shot more in my life.  Mystified at the crazy antivaxxers all around - never felt more in sync with survival of the fittest.  It's OK to choose not to be vaccinated - if you have zero belief in science and you want to roll the dice every time you leave your house for the foreseeable future.  Seeing reminders on social media that Polio and Small Pox never reached herd immunity levels - they were eradicated by vaccinations.  Period.  

Our street has so many vehicles parked, it's crazy.  I need to run some errands but I dread attempting to back out of the garage.  Our neighbors house is scheduled to close on Wednesday so it's a mad dash of trades there today doing final touches.  We were able to visit last week and it's beautiful!  So excited for them and so happy for us - best neighbors we've ever had and we are really looking forward to socializing with them.  

On Wednesday, J. got a text from a cousin who was planning to be in our area as they traveled from Redlands, CA to Oregon where they own a farm.  We ended up getting them a room at Atlantis for Thursday night and had dinner with them at the buffet that night.  Friday morning, they were here for breakfast, then played nine holes with J. and then had lunch here before meandering north again.  They were being leisurely with no firm plans on distance to travel daily - just end up where they end up, playing golf along the way.  

They wanted to play golf with J. on Thursday but he was already playing that day with friends so Friday morning worked.

Having company was super motivating - while they played golf, I wiped down all the baseboards in the house and did all sorts of small things around the homestead.  

We could have offered for them to stay here vs. getting them a room - but these are cousins we haven't spent much time with and I always worry about hosting - the new guest room pretty much holds a king size bed but that's it.  It's sparse and I just didn't feel good about hosting overnights yet.  Maybe the next time they come....we'll see.  

It was a lovely couple days but I was exhausted when they headed out.  

J. is playing golf again today with his men's group.  

I have a list of projects a mile long and should also finish up our taxes...but feel very Monday-ish so moving slowly.  I even took a nap yesterday - needed it apparently, 'cuz I slept like a rock for two hours and still slept great all night.  I think I will pencil in a nap every 7-10 days - it was rejuvenating. 

B. is on maneuvers for the next two weeks which translates to we won't hear much from him.  He is allowed to take his phone but doesn't carry it during actual drills.  He was excited about the plans for the two weeks so that's good.

J. put our two adirondack chairs together yesterday and when he gets home, we'll move them out near the labyrinth.  The bench we have works but it wasn't all that comfy to sit on.  We'll eventually move the bench to the front porch and retire the teak bench that's out there now.  Or maybe we'll use the bench on the patio - 

I'd better get going.  Always lots to do.

Celebrating 31 Years

We had a great time at Atlantis celebrating us.  I spent 8 hours on Dragon Links - won two Majors which kept me going.  

Our steak house dinner was cancelled (just weren't feeling it).  J. headed for the buffet and I played on into the evening.  

Our room had a full on Jacuzzi in the room - which sounds great.  If it was our (much) earlier anniversaries, it would have been lots of fun.  But....I really was terrified to try to get in.  My body doesn't bend the way it would need to bend to do that - I was afraid my hip(s) would dislocate or I'd do a serious slip and wreck a knee.  J. managed to get in and do a soak.  I passed.  And we had to sleep together in a King Size bed - and we both slept OK and survived.  I felt sore the next day 'cuz I couldn't stretch out and stayed in positions too long to avoid waking him up. 

It was a nice time.   J. got up early to head to Carson for golf.  I played a bit before heading home, too...in the end, I came home up a smidge which was GREAT!  

Tonight, we're heading to Casino Fandango in Carson City to have dinner and slot play fun with our soon to be neighbors T. & G. .  They are at the tail end of their house being finished and just like we were, every day is a check in that often brings crushing disappointment.  So close.  But still at least a month away.  We are looking forward to having a fun time - they are really nice and fun.  And I'm relieved I didn't go broke during our anniversary casino junket - we can play as much as we want this evening which will be great.  This casino has machines called Dollar Storm - the only place I've seen that has them.  They are a lot like my favorite Dragon Links and I enjoy playing them.  

The weather is gorgeous today - it warmed up so much that I haven't needed the sweatshirt I always have handy for indoors.  I wore my jacket outside and we worked in the backyard a bit.  Got the bird baths cleaned and set up.  There was a songbird in the tree and s/he kept singing as I set the baths up.  I felt like maybe s/he was sending the signal 'hey, pool party at the M. manor!  The baths are out!  I repeat THE BATHS ARE OUT'!  We will watch and wait.  

We also did a little rock sorting, gave the backyard plants some hand water to give them a Spring boost, turned the drip system back on and swept the back patio.  We need to work on putting the shed together. 

Feels absolutely great to be outside with no coat needed and getting some good old fashioned Vitamin D via sun exposure.  It's been awhile.  

We got a call from H. on our anniversary - he was pretty emotional.  He then texted me 'can I call you again'.  I said yes, but he didn't.  We chatted yesterday.  Pleasantries.  And then 'I need to ask you a favor'. Some weird, drawn out story about him having sent money to a friend's brother - and now his account was frozen - could he borrow money?  And while they were always paid on Fridays (and actually previously said they were paid 'early' on Chime), they didn't get paid.  So he had no funds at all.  I said 'so did you lose your job 'cuz the last time you thought you'd be paid and weren't it was because you didn't actually have a job anymore'.  He said he was still working.  I said 'no' to loaning him money.  Explained (repeatedly) that we said we wouldn't send/loan/give him anymore money.  I said that I couldn't be sure what the actual situation was since for more than a year, he manipulated, lied and made up stories right and left so we would continue to financially support his transition to life in Texas.  The story morphed over and over....and then he said he was away from his friend that he'd been with and he said he was feeling pressured to ask me for money because his friend needed money.  To buy diapers for his kid.  H. said 'I feel trapped here'.  And I said 'you're not trapped, H. You are in control of your life - you just keep making really bad decisions'.  

(Sidenote:  he was to make the first $300 monthly payment to us a week ago today - he said he did the transfer from his Chime account to his Wells Fargo account.  Didn't appear in his Wells Fargo account Monday.  Or Tuesday.  No explanation.  Turns out he didn't have enough money in the account to cover the transfer - but he didn't fess up to that until he called to ask for money).

I wish I could say that I was sure he wasn't using - but I truly don't know.  He was very emotional when he phoned the evening before - I asked him about that yesterday and he said "I just really miss you guys so much".  I believe he misses us.  We miss him, too.  

I go hot and cold with him at times - trying to find the balance between a mom's love for her son vs. realizing that I honestly can't believe anything he says.  The stories morph and change....and then it seems like when he realizes I'm not buying it, it morphs again and becomes about someone or something else entirely.  At the end of the conversation, via text, he apologized for asking us and said he felt pressured.  

I can't keep up with it all and honestly, reminded myself through a long night of so-so sleep that I don't HAVE TO keep up with it all anymore.  We mentally and emotionally work on some distancing from all of it while trying to encourage him - to take the steps he needs to take.  Get a better job.  Save money to find a place to live on your own.  Whatever those forward steps are, do them.  You can do them.  You just don't do them 'cuz it appears you'd rather stay where you are.  

It's a constant struggle and it exhausts me - truly.  Sucks the energy right out of me.