Perplexing Emotions

I had a very hard day yesterday.  Felt overwhelmed and on the verge of tears a good part of the day.  At one point, I told J. 'I want to go to a casino, play slots mindlessly and have some beer(s).  Only I know that's not a good thing to do so I won't do it'.  

But boy, did I want to.

Nothing really changed about the H. situation yesterday.  But some days, I'm just overwhelmingly sad/worried/scared about the entire mess.  Sometimes, I think he must be hurt (or worse) because I can't imagine him not reaching out to us for over a month.  In all the history of time, he's never been out of touch that long.  I worry that the handful (three) of people there's been contact with are actually 'imprisoning' him - keeping him isolated and unable to contact family.  It's an irrational feeling with no basis in actual fact - but there's a lot we (clearly) don't know about his situation and sometimes, my mind makes me worry endlessly.  

Sometimes I say 'I'm tired'.  And J. will gently remind 'you are probably worried; likely sad; maybe even a bit depressed.  All of those things are possible and not surprising considering the shit storm we're in these days'.  It helps to be reminded that when you feel tired to your bones, it's not really a lack of sleep.  Especially now in retirement - I turn out the lights around 10 and wake up between 7 or 8 - which is plenty of sleep even if I've had a bad 'not great sleep' kind of night.  So grateful for retirement that eliminates any need for setting an alarm or waking at any particular time.  

I'm grateful and blessed J. has my back and reminds me that sometimes, tired is a state of mind vs. a lack of rest. 

Today, I dug in to working on stuff around the house.  Proud to report I cleaned a lot of stuff that needed cleaning and the pile of dirty microfiber cloths makes me feel accomplished.  So does using up a couple of cleaning products.  During the pandemic, I bought things to try that I wouldn't normally buy - and I'm working hard on using stuff up to keep under the kitchen sink more organized and tidy.  We also have a utility closet down the hall from the kitchen so we're well stocked.  Stainless steel appliances are 'new' to me in terms of cleaning.  I used Jubilee Kitchen Wax on the stove today and hope it will help drips wipe up more easily.  

Also today, I did want to go try a new place to play slots - I've mentioned to J. before that I'd like to try someplace new once in a while.  Not adding a new place to my weekly rotation of places to play - but if they send me free play, it's worth a trek downtown.  We hit Carson City Nugget today and had fun.  I hit a $370 bonus round (nickel denomination, $1.25 bet) on Lightening Links shortly after starting - which was incredibly awesome and let me play on casino money for quite a bit. We had fun - not profitable overall - but it was fun.  (Very) small casino but not too smokey, not crowded and nice staff.  

J. was supposed to play golf on Monday but it's been cancelled because of weather.  We were expecting a huge storm yesterday (and I was looking forward to a rainy day) but it never materialized.  Monday is supposed to be pretty bad so hoping a rain day will keep me inside and continuing to work around the homestead.  We will make our weekly trip to Atlantis on Thursday and I still haven't used the $500 in free play J. won playing golf - so that will be loads of fun.  

I have nightly talks with God and ask him to keep H. close and nudge him to reach out to his family who are pretty worried about him.  

B. is now responsible for the loading and transportation of hundreds of vehicles used in the training - loading them onto barges to be transported back to the bases that sent them to the training.  He told J. he expects to be home Monday evening and he's so ready to be back in his own place after a few weeks away.  He was originally expecting to have a couple weeks off in October and had mentioned he'd hopefully come visit us for a bit - but now the days off are postponed.  Drat - BUT he may be able to visit for Christmas which would be lovely.  We've had two consecutive Christmases without a kid (or kids) with us so it would be nice if B. is able to be here.  We'll see.  We will be overjoyed for a visit whenever he can get here.  

Days are getting so much shorter - it's not 7PM yet but it's dark outside.  Fall happened so quickly - when the season 'turns', it turns fast.  

To any and all blog readers:  positive mojo, prayers, good thoughts and/or all of those much appreciated.  Some days, we're just getting by and knowing others are also sending out cosmic positivity into the universe would be deeply appreciated.