Anniversary

Tonight is the 'eve' of my 17th wedding anniversary - the day I married the man I know without a doubt I was destined to spend my life with. I've said to everyone who knows the story of how we met (blind date) that I knew the minute I met him I was going to marry him. It wasn't lightening bolts or anything like that. My knees didn't go weak. I just knew. And the 18 months from our first date to the day we married was just a long 'affirmation' of that feeling. I never doubted, never wavered in my belief that it was him I was to marry. And I'd spent most of my life looking and 'finding' this person. I'd thought I'd found 'him' a zillion times before - only those relationships all ended - some badly, some gratefully.

I'd been engaged to a sweet young man, T., who turned out to be pretty messed up. We were briefly engaged - and it all came to a crashing slow-motion end when he attempted suicide. Yes, really. It was a nightmarish time. Everyone around us (me) judged everything we (I) did. His family assumed that I had to be 'the cause'. Never mind that his parents were divorced (bitterly) and his father reappeared in his life out of the blue one day and threw the 'kid' he'd left behind for a loop. I do think that like me, he was starting to have some 'doubts' about our planned wedding. My 'gut' was giving me warnings for quite some time that this was not to be.

After T. was out of the hospital, I did my best to be there for him. But it quickly became evident that everyone (my family, his family, friends) were looking to me to 'save' him. To be sure he was taking his medication, going to therapy, etc. And I realized with stunning clarity that I didn't want to be the person who was responsible for him. He had to be responsible for himself - and him getting to that point was something he had to do by himself, for himself. So I broke off the engagement - and yes, I know that is harsh and cruel. But the alternative was to stay with him - knowing it wasn't right, knowing he knew it wasn't right. And that wasn't something that was healthy for either of us.

For the first time in my life, I used exercise as my outlet. I rode my bike and/or ran every night after work. I took a life guard class and started life guarding at the neighborhood pool. I also decided that if being 'single' was what I was destined to be, I would deal with it. If I wanted to be a mom, there were sperm banks for that - and while that wasn't my first choice for raising a family, if that's what was 'meant to be' for me, I was fine with it.

So when a friend called me to ask if she could give a guy my phone number, I was very hesitant. I mean, why 'go there' again - another relationship, a lot of time and effort for something that seemed almost pre-destined to not work out - because perhaps I just wasn't supposed to be married. But what the heck - and I said yes. I figured he wouldn't call.

But he did. And we had a blind date at the San Leandro Marina. He was easy to talk to, funny, smart, great personality. We seemed to hit it off right away and we started 'dating' a week after that first date. We were engaged not quite a year later and married 18 months to the day from the day we met.

17 years ago tonight, I was spending the evening with my mom. I had tearfully said goodbye to J. who was heading to the hotel and who I wouldn't see again until the wedding. I was wishing more than anything that we hadn't agreed to that silly 'tradition' because I didn't want him to leave me that night. Not that my mom wasn't great company - she was. But I didn't want to be apart from him, not even for one night. I didn't sleep much that night. I worked on packing for the honeymoon, piddled around the house. I woke my mom up at 5AM while I was vacuuming. She came out of her bedroom in a robe and said 'sweetie, what in the world are you doing?'. I said 'well, I'm not sleeping so I thought I'd tidy up a bit'. She made me coffee and politely suggested that the neighbors (thankfully, the garage was underneath us) upstairs would probably prefer that I wait awhile for that chore. We laughed and talked and she said 'you're sure, right'? And I replied 'absolutely, without a doubt'.

I include the story of my relationship with T. because through that entire 'engagement', I knew it was not going to work. I knew it. My gut told me over and over and over that he was not who I was meant to marry. It took a huge 'life event' to give me the courage to take the steps to end that relationship - and I regret the pain I caused him by forcing us to end the engagement. But it was the right thing to do. AND, having been through that - I knew with J. that it was right - no doubt, never a doubt, never a hesitation. Never. Not one second. I'd like to think that if I hadn't had that experience, I would still have known that J. was the one. I'm sure I would have. But having been through that life experience, it made the assurances in my gut more certain. More confirming. We were meant to be.

We were married at noon that day - a Sunday. The ceremony was very quick and then the party that followed was so much fun. My sisters, my niece and my good friend S. were my maid of honor and bridesmaids. J.'s brother and cousin were his attendants. It was a fun day and went by so quickly. We had a terrific time. I didn't sleep much that night, either (yes, there was that but mainly I was just too excited to sleep). And J. snored. Like a freight train.

We left for Cancun the next night - after a day of running errands, etc. My mom took a cab to the airport in mid afternoon after J. and I had unwrapped gifts with her. We kept saying we'd drive her but she said we had plenty to do. We packed, got the house ready to leave for 2 weeks, accepted well wishes from our neighbors and friends. We left for the airport after dinner for an all night flight. And I finally crashed. The plane had 4 seats in the center and 3 seats on each side of the middle section. It was thankfully a very 'non-full' flight and I moved into the center section, took up 3 seats and passed out. Didn't hear the dinner service, missed the movie. By the time I woke up, J. was asleep and we were almost there.

17 years ago I married the man who has redefined love for me. He has given me everything I've ever wanted - a family, a home, someone to grow old with, someone to come home to. He is quite possibly the only person I could ever be married to - I'm not easy and he is patient, loving, forgiving, kind and adores me and the kids. When I thank God for my many blessings every night, J. is top of the list. He is my best friend and I am the luckiest person on the planet to say 'he chose me'.

I love you, sweetie. Thank you for making me your bride and for being the father of my kids. You are amazing and I love you with all my heart - and so much more than I ever could have imagined 17 years ago. True love grows and our relationship is proof of that.