Regret

Of course, the morning after making the decision, I'm filled with 'uh-oh'. Like I should have considered the insurance differences (significantly better coverage and lower out of pocket costs at former job vs. current job); retirement benefits (none at current job, yes at former job); etc.

I just have to believe that I'm here, working at a job in the town I live in (which anyone in Tracy will tell you is what we all dream about - to be able to find good paying work and NOT have to commute over the Altamont) for reasons that may not be clear to be now, but will be someday. And certainly, the ability to get myself to work without bumper to bumper traffic is a great thing.

I have, however, recently quadrupled my commute, since I now drive across town and back to get a Jack In The Box iced tea most mornings. I was getting TWO venti black iced teas at the Starbucks in the Savemart near our home every morning, but spending $4 a day on tea started to feel 'wrong' to me. So now I spend $1.84/day - I just have to drive a long way to get it.

And even doing that, I STILL make it to work in under 15 minutes everyday.

Resolved

I emailed my former boss this morning to tell him I was not applying for the job. Thanked him for wishing me back there. Explained that I wasn't going to let my 'flee response' urge me out of a job I know I am very good at; getting better every day at; and will be working at until I retire. I then also forwarded the email I sent to him to my current boss, to have him be the 2nd person who knew my decision. He has been on vacation for a couple weeks but within a few minutes of sending the email, my phone rang and it was him [current boss] thanking me for sharing the email with him and letting me know he was glad my decision was to be where I am. I was planning on telling him in person, but he isn't back until tomorrow and I didn't want to wait. I'm glad I emailed him and so glad he called. He has known that I am 'torn' between two places for quite some time and he knows it has been difficult trying to 'decide' where to be. And he has been exceedingly supportive and patient while I thought it all through and decided what to do. And the obvious pleasure in his voice said it all - he's relieved and glad I'm staying where I'm at.

I received a followup email from my former boss this evening, saying he thought the decision was well thought out - and wishing me well. He closed with 'take care' - which is the closing I use when I have no intention of speaking to someone any time soon. I hope that's not the case in this example, but I realize we won't be corresponding frequently. No need to.

I made the decision that is best for me and my family...it is not the decision that simplified my former boss' life. But I know they will be fine. They will find the right person for their new job. It just won't be me.

I'm not sad about it, which feels good. I have been torn up for 7 months about 'what to do'. And I'm done with that. I know what I'm doing, where I'm doing it and with whom. And I fully expect to retire from this district in 8 years. Though if I'm loving what I'm doing and the job is still fun, I'll stay longer. We'll just have to see how it turns out.

Farewell, LP College. I love you and miss you and accept that I probably always will.

Harry

We saw the latest Harry Potter movie this afternoon - and it left me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. The story line did that - but also the boys, who love these stories so much. I feel so blessed to have watched Harry and the boys grow up together. The books are just so great and then the adaptation to screen is just so incredible. I just can't describe it - and I know it's primarily because it's such fun to love sharing that with B. and H. H. said on the way to the theatre 'this is number 5, right Mom? And there's 2 more?' And when I answered 'yes', he said 'but why does she have to end after two more? Why? Why can't she keep writing them?' And I said 'she's had these stories planned out for years and she knows how she wants it to end - so it has to end.'

J. didn't go with us 'cuz he was feeling a bit under the weather. So it was me and the kids. B. is so sweet - during the really exciting, intense, kind of scary parts, I'd loop my arm through his and he'd patiently hold my hand until the scary part was over. He said 'are you OK, Mom?' I said 'I'm fine - I just need an arm and a hand to hold - I wish Dad was here'. He said 'it's OK, Mom, I'm here'. He's such a sweetheart - and he's growing up so much. I see him from 'afar' now and then - like when he drove to my office on Friday to drop off something I'd forgotten - I didn't recognize him as he walked up the ramp to our door. Or today, in Costco, standing near our cart - I thought 'where's our cart' - 'cuz I was looking for a boy - but he's not a boy anymore, he's a young man. Pretty handsome young man, too, though I'm a bit biased.

I rushed into the house and ran upstairs to find the books - #5 and #6 so I can read them again before the final chapter comes out in a week. Which we've already ordered from amazon.com so it will be delivered to our door the day of the release. I resisted buying two - which we've done in the past 'cuz there's 3 of us in the house that can't wait to read them so sharing one book is torture. But the boys have so much to read for their summer pre-school reading, I think I stand a chance of getting my hands on the book. I need to read #6 more carefully - and want to read #5 again to compare it to the movie. If we end up needing another copy, we'll get it at Costco and then donate it the city library when we're done - as we've done before.

I loved to read as a kid. Read every night before bed, sometimes with a flashlight under the covers to keep my mom from knowing how late I was staying up. I devoured my elementary school library's biography section. Also anything about marine biology, oceans, oceanography. And Nancy Drew. All of them. Yellow hard bindings - I had the entire set. I read them over and over and over - and loved them. Almost as much as I love Harry Potter now.

But I am clearly over the moon about these books. I know there are lots of families who will not let their kids experience these stories - in our family, also. Those who believe that anything 'magical' is against God and therefore, should never be read. For me, these stories reinforce faith - and love and friendship. Harry is learning that even as you get older, and you change - you resist authority and acknowledge darker feelings towards others, at times - anger is a part of life...but you also learn that you are loved - by many, many people. People you've known for a long time and people you've recently encountered - and in the end, that's what it's all about. Love, friendship, faith in yourself, in your beliefs. That's what these stories are about. It makes me sad that some kids will never read these books - but I am so glad mine can. We don't just read them in this house - we devour them. We can't wait for the final book to come out and then the final two movies. The ending will be sad - because it will be the 'end' of this magical set of characters and their growing up years. And my boys will be grown up as well. But I can't wait to read the books to my grand kids - cover to cover. And watch the DVDs together. I hope they love them as much as I do. And maybe, J.K. Rowling will decide to take the stories forward as Harry is an adult. That would be great. I hope she does.

We wait to see the ending of the final chapter. I have already warned the boys that I will be turning to the ending - that's just me. I won't tell them how it ends and then I will read the entire book cover to cover. But I just have to know how it ends. Like H., I honestly don't ever want it to end. I want the boys to always love going to the movies with me and to always beg me to order multiple copies of books. I want them to always have that excitement in their life.

Like all the excitement and joy they've brought to mine over the years. They are magical. It's the best word to describe being a mom. Magical.

Surprise

I'm attending a 50th birthday surprise party this afternoon for a coworker. I'm looking forward to it, pretty much - except for the 'fear' that I'll somehow ruin the surprise. That I'll pull up into the driveway too early or too late, somehow being 'seen'. That she'll recognize my car (though I plan to drive a car I never drive to work in the hopes that detail will throw her off). It's a 50's theme - and I'm not wearing a poodle skirt nor a pony tail. Well, I may put my hair into a ponytail but probably not. And I'm just wearing 'regular' clothes. No dress up. It will be fun. She's been a good friend to me since I've worked there and she's a hoot, so I'm sure her family and non-work friends are also. Interesting to see who (if anyone) else from work will be there since not a word has been uttered. Which is amazing since the place is usually buzzing about a variety of topics.

We received the annual statement for our car insurance yesterday - with B. added. OH MY GOSH. I was stunned at the number. Even though I'd done the math - seeing it in writing, and especially broken out by driver - to see that he is costing us more than THREE TIMES what it costs to insure me and J. COMBINED - it's incredible. Absolutely mind boggling. I gave him a 'gentle but firm' reminder to quickly take the DVD course they sent him 'cuz completion of that and entering a code on the website will save us 20% . And then to bring his GPA up to a 3.0 saves another 10%. And cautioned him that one accident will most likely result in him not driving since we can't afford more than this. No way. I don't know how we'll handle it when H. starts driving in two years. And then I reminded J. that he can call and take a course for 'mature' drivers (over 50 is mature for CSAA apparently) and that will save us another undefined percentage. We will do it - and I will take it when I turn the big 5-0 also, since every bit of savings helps. Criminy. Hope they get jobs soon to help with some of these expenses.

I think that's starting to be a stark realization in our lives - at this time in our earning history, when we are both making very good $$, and we should be saving hand over fist, we are instead raising two teens. WE ARE saving hand over fist - socking $$ away in J.'s retirement accounts like crazy. But we aren't at the time in our lives when there's 'extra' - more coming in than is going out. And we won't be there, it seems, until J. is about to retire - and then that income is gone and the opportunity to sock away additional dollars is gone. Forever. Scary. And for years - at this point, we're not sure how many years - but for years, I and I alone will be the income generator in the family. And I just hope that we don't end up feeling like we can never do without my income. I mean, as the boys leave the nest and get settled on their own - and start covering their own insurance, food, clothing, entertainment, etc. expenses - our expenses will dramatically decrease. But that decrease will happen at the same time as the decrease of J.'s income happens. So I just hope we don't feel compelled for me to work FOREVER to keep income flowing in. I know I will feel like I should, but hopefully, I'll know I won't need to. On the other hand, hopefully, I'll be loving what I'm doing so much that I won't want to quit until I'm in my 70's. And J. and I will be able to take many 'spur of the moment' trips all over the world, without kids or pets to tie us down. Oh, to dream.

Sugar

J. was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes a couple weeks ago. Definitely puts an entirely different perspective on eating. He doesn't have to inject insulin, thank goodness. He's on medication, losing weight (he's down 20 pounds so far), and watching what he eats. Like a hawk.

The DVD that came with his glucometer gave us some interesting information on carbs. 15 grams of carbs = 1 carb choice. And meals should have 2-3 carb choices max and one snack with 1-2 carb choices. Really makes you think about what you eat. A 1/2 cup of brown rice is a meals worth of carbs. And a half cup of rice on your plate isn't much. But when it's all you 'get', it's delicious and you eat absolutely every morsel of it. I, too, am now watching my carbs - because I'm trying hard to help him and I need to lose a lot of weight myself. It is hard - so hard. I love 'crunchy' stuff - and all crunchy stuff is carb-loaded. Well, carrots aren't - but that's not the 'crunch' I crave. So I'm looking for soy crisps, etc. where a few has some carbs but is mainly protein. I just have to have some crunch.

This evening, I made sugar free peach shortcakes. I bought the peaches weekend before last at Coscto - and then our 4th of July became the day of 'bed shopping' and our BBQ was just eating a regular dinner. I never got around to cooking the shortcakes and the peaches were sort of not ripe enough anyway. And then I went away this past weekend. SO I left work a wee bit early this afternoon and came home and cooked. I sliced the peaches and sprinkled with Splenda. Made Bisquick shortcakes and used Splenda instead of sugar. And I looked for sugar free whip topping but instead, made it homemade. With Splenda. And THAT, my friends, is the BEST part of a delicious low-sugar treat - the whip cream. Now that I know how easy it is, I will NEVER buy canned whip cream again. It is delicious!

My sister's lunch date yesterday was fab and they are officially 'going steady'. She said the waitress at the restaurant thought they were so cute and 'in love', she brought balloons and confetti to their table. So cute. They have agreed to see each other only (no more Yahoo personals for either of them) and take it slow. It is just so cool that her 'first' cyber-date turned out to be a keeper. How lucky is that?? Of course, she had some 'frogs' send her inquiries - and she ruled them out for various reasons. But she found the first one she chose to meet 'in person' and he's great. Lucky her! No one deserves it more.

I ruminated all night about her ex. Things I'd like to say to him, face to face. Like: you took her to Ohio for 5 hellish years for what? To take her happiness? To make her as miserable as you are, just in your day to day like? So messed up, love-less, life-less. Closed to emotions and feelings and people. And she was just too 'alive' for you - so you take her to cold and snow and things you know she hates - and then berate everything she does? EVERYTHING? She's never good enough, nothing she does is ever right? What's with you? You poor inept man. You wonder why your art doesn't sell? I'll tell you why - because it has no 'soul'. It doesn't speak to people. It's technically good but it's not 'art'. It doesn't bring out emotions in people - it's just 'accurate'. It's sad that you don't 'see' things with your heart. Or know things with your soul. You just can't. And that's not HER failing - it's yours. Totally yours. And as if the 5 years of slowly sliding into hell for her wasn't enough - she leaves that place and YOU and makes a life for herself in a state she loves, near people she loves - and you have to follow her there? And spend 8 months there trying to interject yourself into her new happiness? And when you realize that you can't break her again - that she is what she has always been - smart, fun, resilient, joyful, and happy, in spite of you - you still attempt to destroy her again - by announcing that yes, in fact, there is and always was someone else - and you're leaving to go back to that person.

Go. Good riddance. Don't hurt her anymore. She never needed you to be happy - she is happiness all by herself. She always has been. She was the best thing that ever happened to you - your family-less life you created that she found you in - alone, and lonely and longing - she gave you a family, and kids, and people who loved you. Who LEARNED to love you 'cuz loving you isn't easy. But we all did love you. For 30+ years. And just like that, we don't anymore. I sure don't. I can't forgive you for hurting her and won't forgive you, ever, for how you tried to destroy her. You could have just admitted early on that your feelings had changed - and you had found someone else. That would have been sad and hard and hurtful. But holy crap - as painful as that would have been for her, it would have been so much easier than what you did to her. You could have just been a man and admitted your failing. But no - it's all you, all the time. You had to try to make it about her. You immature, self absorbed sap. We see through you, you transparent ass. So leave her the hell alone, OK?

K., I love you very much and just had to 'let it out'. Forgive me. And I can't tell you how much I admire you for all you've done for yourself - to move forward, step by step. You are brave and bold and sparkly from the inside out. You are one of my best friends and I never imagined we would ever 'get' to this place as sisters. I'm so glad and it was worth all the time it took to make it here. I am very proud of you and honored to be your sister.

Go getta 'im, kiddo!

Party

The party was a smashing success! The butterfly theme was predominant - from the butterfly shaped sandwiches (deviled ham and chicken salad - much meaning in those selections given the dissolution of an over 30 year marriage) to the butterfly cake (which I decorated with my sister's help - she's crafty, I sadly, am not - but she taught me how to trace a pattern and make a stencil) and while it was not symmetrical, it was lovely anyway and delicious to boot. And butterflies throughout the house - napkins in butterfly shapes, hanging on the walls, etc. Her neighbors are all absolutely lovely - and honestly, made living in an 'active adult' retirement community seem like so much fun - just full of nice people, all watching out for each other. K. has instant friends who watch her every move (which is lovely though offers some challenges). We had a great time and were busy, busy from morning till night.

Her new 'friend' was there and I have to say, he seems lovely as well. He mingled well - and isn't that a good sign when a guy can be invited to a party full of people he doesn't know and he manages to join in and make conversation, laugh a lot, etc. He is obviously enchanted with my sister - which doesn't surprise me because she is enchanting in many ways. But, this is her very first 'post-divorce' relationship so it is just so 'scary' to see it moving at lightening speed. But she's cautious and careful and has no intention of being swept off her feet. Or at least thinks she doesn't. Still, it's pretty hard not to be swept when the guy doing the sweeping is sweet and nice. So I'm holding my breath and wishing her well in this new 'friendship'. He called first thing this morning - like he'd been sitting by the phone since the crack of dawn, just waiting until 8 AM and was finally able to call just after 8. And she met him for yet another lunch. Fun, I'm sure, and now I'm obsessively checking my emails for an update.

The flight home was delayed - plane was from DFW and there are thunderstorms there today. I did my 'angel' routine - the two young girls seated next to me both were horribly airsick. The younger one pretty much slept the entire way - though she did start throwing up as soon as we landed. Her older sister (sitting next to me) was sick the entire trip - and so I held her head, offered cold towels, sips of ginger ale and 7-up, comfort, distraction - anything I could think of. And when she was throwing up, I held her long hair out of the way and gave her a cold towel to wipe her face with. She was so sweet and such a nice young lady - 13 years old and beautiful - and a great conversationalist. Her parents were refugees from Bosnia who went to Denmark, where she was born. They moved to Dallas where her younger sister was born. They were on their way to Hawaii for vacation - so she was most definitely not looking forward to another 5 hour flight. I suggest Dramamine to the mom as we left the plane - she was sweet and grateful for my help and thanked me a zillion times, as did the flight attendants. Funny how I can't handle it with my kids - but with two strangers, it was do-able.

Glad to be home and anticipating a busy week at work, as always.

K, I'm checking your blog shortly and sure hope you're writing!

Beds

We have been planning to redo B's room this summer. He's been in a 'loft' bed - with a dresser on one end and a bookcase on the other and a desk underneath. We bought the loft beds the summer before we bought the house - and then left them in storage until we moved in here. Didn't see any reason to set them up in the condo only to move them a couple months later so once we were sure we were moving, we just brought the beds out to our Tracy storage unit and left them there. They were perfect for the kids when they were 9 & 7 - and they loved them. But they're now 16 1/2 and 14 and the loft has lost it's charm. H. converted to a 'captain's bed' from IKEA last summer - but he's too big for that, apparently. The sides of the wood frame 'give' just enough so the slats that support the mattress fall out every night. It's a PITA.

So J. and I spent yesterday shopping for beds and today, two full size mattresses, box springs and bed frames were delivered from Sleep Train. J. spent yesterday taking down the loft bed and taking apart H's bed in preparation for delivery. That led to cleaning and culling and sorting clothes, etc. The rooms look 'nice' and far more grownup. While we were in their rooms perusing the 'change', I said 'this will be so much fun when they are gone - we can have an exercise room, a yoga room, a music room, etc.'. Not that I'm ready for them to go - but all that space will be 'fun' to fill up someday. We will probably just leave them as is - like my mom did - so they'll always have a room to come home to.

We also got an estimate for a 'massive' cleaning - including windows inside and out AND screens off and washed. Can't WAIT. They come on Monday, the 23rd, and will be here the entire day. After that, we will have the same company come every other week - which will be completely heavenly. This company came highly recommended - and it turns out, we know the owner from church. The name didn't really 'ring a bell' with me - but when he was at our front door, it was one of the greeters at church every Sunday. Very, very nice man and his pricing was incredibly reasonable. We are so excited about having a 'cleaning service' - it's a splurge but do-able and it will let us spend our time on culling and organizing and other stuff vs. chasing after cleaning one room at a time. They will come every other week and will do things on rotation. But the entire kit and caboodle will be cleaned from top to bottom so we start off 'done'. It will feel great to have that done - and the windows have been on my list for a long time - I can't wait for that to be done. They'll look terrific!, I'm sure.

B. is now referencing that he wants to go to a 4 year university - so I'm panicking about where we'll find the $$ for that. I thought we were agreed he would go to a Community College for a year or two - a huge savings. But he wants to get the heck out of dodge as soon as possible, it seems. I hope we can figure this out. I'm so worried about how we'll pay for it and hate having him go into debt to go. And then I remind myself that going into debt is exactly what I did - student loans got me through. And if he needs to work and/or borrow to help with expenses, that's what he'll do. If he wants it badly enough, he'll be motivated to work hard for it. I was - and so was J. And we will hopefully be able to help him far more than my mom helped me. And even more than J's parents helped him - which was quite a bit, considering their financial situation. It will all work out, I know - and we have two more years for all of us to keep saving and build up as much as we can towards his tuition and dorm fees, etc. A lot can happen in two years. YIKES! Two years from now, we will in all likelihood be shopping for his dorm room! Tempest fuget....

That's it for now. Have packing to do and lists for J. and the kids to keep the culling and straightening up moving forward in my absence. They will enjoy 3 days of a 'mom-free' zone....body noises will abound, I'm sure. It'll be a guys world!