Gone

This is my 100th post! Somewhat of a milestone, which I seem to be having many of lately.

So, I've officially 'left' my job. I drove up to the PE building to clean out my locker, and drove back down by my building and asked my cow-orker (inside joke) N. to meet me in the parking lot so I could give her my keys and my parking pass to give to my boss. No point in going back in the building. BUT N. had a 'committee' waiting for me so I got the official 'send off'. Waves, thumbs up, etc. It was sweet.

I thought I'd feel a huge sense of relief upon leaving the parking lot. To have finally DONE IT - and be officially 'gone'. But I don't. I just feel sad. Very sad. Like I left a part of my soul behind and I'll never, ever get it back.

It didn't help that my boss left the door 'open' - WIDE, HOPEFULLY, OPEN - to return there someday in the not too distant future. And I'm grateful for that - grateful that he said I'll always have a 'home' there. But I worry that having that 'possibility' in my mind, combined with missing that place and those people SO much will make me being happy at the new place impossible. I mean, I have to go there with excitement and desire to do well...and if I have the 'out', I worry that I won't be 'all there'. I have to think that through over the next few weeks. To be sure that I walk in the door ready to 'be' as successful and happy at my 'new' job as I was at my old. I don't want to NOT be successful there. But I am open to being sure that I AM really, truly HAPPY at the new place and if I'm not, then returning to my college job wouldn't be a bad thing. I left on very good terms. Got a glowing 'exit' interview/final review. Acknowledging that I am leaving for a better opportunity; that I gave plenty of notice; that my boss knew I was applying and was supportive of my pursuing the new job. It was a 'good' exit. So I can go back there if I'm not happy at the new place.

I am ready for something 'new'. And for new challenges. And new opportunities. And no commute. I am ready. I want to be at the new place. Even if my heart is missing the old place.

I am officially on vacation now for a little over a week. Can't wait for sleeping in, Christmas, time with the boys and J. and just time OFF. Let the holidays begin!

Loved

Over the past week, my college has said goodbye to me in so many amazing ways. Today, there was a potluck in my honor. AT LEAST 75 people showed up, including many folks from our district office who stepped away from their busy, busy days to say goodbye. I am so incredibly touched and overwhelmed. I was honored by my 2nd standing ovation in a week. UNBELIEVABLE. I can't begin to describe how amazing it feels to have so many people thank you and tell you how much they will miss you. The President called me a 'treasure'. One retired VP returned for the party and said 'they will never replace you. YOU are just not replaceable'. It was such an amazing day and I am so 'in love' with that place and those people. Really, 'in love' is the only feeling to describe it. Their genuine outpouring of loss and sadness and yet also being so genuinely happy for me is just a once in a lifetime experience. I have NEVER had so much 'thanks' and appreciation in my life and honestly, I don't think I ever will again. It has felt like a 'once-in-a-lifetime' moment, every moment of every day this week.

I have felt more overwhelmed and exhausted in the past week than ever in my life. Yesterday, because of an 'event' which I cannot discuss in a public forum, I ended up leaving mid-day. Just too overwhelmed and sad about leaving to be there one more minute. Called my boss on his cell phone and told him that I really didn't think me sitting at my desk sobbing was a 'good thing' so if it was OK with him, I was going to head home. Hoping that a nap and a good cry would help. There was a good cry but alas, no nap. And no good night's sleep, either. The zillion things I want to get 'done' before I leave there ran through my head all night long. I sort of 'dozed' off and on but know I was not actually 'sleeping'. Was too wound up. Headed in this morning and buckled down and did get a lot done on my list. But I also had a long conversation with my boss (via email, where we, frankly, have our best conversations) where I explained that my instinct is to keep trying to get stuff done. But my 'job' isn't the kind of job that is ever, really DONE and it is affecting me in ways I don't think are healthy. I mean, we could drag this out forever and the work would still never be done - so while we could throw more days at it next week, I didn't think I wanted to do that. So we agreed that Tuesday is it. I will work Monday and part of Tuesday and then leave. Finally. Turn in my keys, parking permit, etc. and exit the building. Most likely for forever. I will cry (again/more). My boss will cry (again/more). Yes, my boss, the kindest, most amazing man I've ever known - next to the man I'm married to - has cried because I'm leaving. And today, after he gave another heartwarming speech in my honor, filled with his amazing sense of humor and laughter, he cried and hugged me tightly and whispered 'I love you' to me. And I told him 'I love you, too'. And I do. And he does. Not in any 'inappropriate' marriage-risking way. But I do love him. He has impacted my life in so many incredible ways. He gave me a chance to 'choose' something different for my life and for my career path and my new job is only and completely possible because he hired me and gave me his confidence to 'take the ball and run with it' when I arrived there. Making such a 'difference' there has made me want to choose to do more. To be more. I would have loved to be an administrator at the college - but that won't happen for a long, long time, if ever. So I had to make a 'leap of faith' and leave somewhere I am completely, totally happy to be and move to somewhere I am 'new' and 'unproven' and 'different'. But there is no reward without risk. Everyone said 'they are so lucky to get you' and 'they will love you like we love you in a very short time'.

I hope they're right. It is hard to leave such a wonderful place. It has been the hardest thing I've ever done. To walk away from such a magical place into such an 'unknown'. But I've dared to reinvent myself before. And I can't stop now.

Onward. One day at a time. And I have LPC in my heart so I am not alone. Never alone.

You touched my heart, you touched my soul
You changed my life and all my goals
And love is blind and that I knew when
My heart was blinded by you
- James Blunt

Nick

at Night is running a 'That Girl' marathon this weekend. I LOVE this show - one of my favorites from my childhood.

I couldn't help but notice that Ann serves a lot of coffee - and she always has a different, really nice china set to use. How does one single girl - a supposedly 'starving actress' in the late 60's end up with so many coffee serving sets?

And they played the episode where Donald finally (FINALLY) asks Ann to marry him and I had J. watch it - when Ann 'reacts' to the engagement, I told him that's what girls are SUPPOSED to react like when they've been proposed to. THAT EPISODE is what I dreamed about all my life for my engagement experience.

Our engagement was lovely and I wouldn't trade it for anything 'cuz it ended beautifully. And having watched that episode twice this weekend, I admit it's a 'hard act' to follow. I mean, the 4 year buildup to that moment is what created that moment of 'relief' and joy for Ann. I'm grateful I didn't have to wait that long for my 'moment'. Just 12 months. And then 6 months to the wedding. Which seemed very fast for J. And seemed incredibly 'long' to me, at the time. Thank goodness I didn't have to wait the 4 years Ann had to wait. I wouldn't have made it that long.

Wild

Wild, wild week. Busy. Exhilarating. Challenging. Sad. Happy.

Let's see - where to start. We had busy days with jobs and school and busy evenings with kids and church. I'll try to hit the highlights documented here for all eternity.

Wednesday evening, we attended a meeting at church about the kids being confirmed. Classes start in January. For H. (8th grade), classes are every Wednesday for 3 hours and every Sunday for 1.25. WOW. But he will be confirmed in May, 2007. B. got off easy - there are only a couple high school students that are wanting to be confirmed so the pastor is allowing them to attend the 'adult' class - one Friday evening and one Saturday. That's it. Guess they figure if the young men are coming to church every weekend, they don't need as much 'book lessons' as the younger kids? Anyway, that's the plan. Makes no sense to me in terms of the difference between the 'kid' confirmation process and the 'adult' confirmation process...but a lot of things about this church often don't make sense and it all works out OK. The new pastor is great but I get the feeling that he's wanting/trying to 'change' things - he talks in very broad terms and things don't feel really 'nailed down' procedurally. But it's been fine and we have no reason to think it won't work out. We like the new pastor a lot and he seems very 'impressed' with the boys. So that's nice to hear.

On Wednesday, we had our regularly scheduled Town Meeting - first Wednesday of every month. Mandatory attendance for faculty and staff. And my boss came out into the audience with a microphone, stood near my chair, took my hand and said 'follow me up on stage'. He then told folks that as they knew from his email, I was leaving - moving onto my new role as CBO in my kids district. He said that when they went out for my position, they were looking for someone who was good with numbers and proficient in many things. And he said 'and what we found was Mindy, who has done such a wonderful job for all of us. So I'd like to take this opportunity to thank her and to have all of you join me in thanking her'. And the entire auditorium of people stood up and gave me a standing ovation. It was so amazing. I was so overwhelmed. I put my hand over my mouth for a bit and then over my face for a bit - and I cried. And then I composed myself and took the microphone from him and said 'thank you for making my 4 1/2 years here so amazing. I will miss all of you very much and I'm sorry to be leaving - but it IS a really great job and it's TWO MILES FROM MY HOUSE'. And I thanked everyone again and then said 'and I have a couple 'parting gifts' I'd like to give out'. And I had put backstage (good planning, huh?) a box which held hard hats. And I explained that recently, my boss had tasked me with finding hard hats 'cuz we have an acute shortage. And we're going to have a lot of new buildings (one is almost finished and doing the walk throughs is what highlighted the hard hat shortage) and we needed more. So I pulled out bright pink hard hats for our 3 female Senior administrators and presented them to the 3 of them. And everyone loved them! And then I said 'but Bob is way too cool for an ordinary hard hat'. And I pulled out a Stetson hard hat - tan color. And the place went nuts. And THEN I pulled out a 2nd one, gray, and explained 'he needs two colors to match his suits'. Bob gave me a gigantic hug and a kiss on the forehead and said 'I'll miss you'. And I know he will. And I will miss him and everyone. It is honestly such an amazing place to work. The whole Town Meeting experience made me sad all over again - but I reminded myself over the rest of the week that there will be a lot of changes there in the next year and who knows what it will be like going forward? And I have a new group of really neat people to get to know - and if I end up hating my new job (which isn't likely), I will still be only a few minutes from home and only have 9 years to work. I can do anything for 9 years.

And the winding down continues - one week left. I have so much to do. I am planning to work tomorrow. And may even work next weekend, 'after' my official last day but that's just less vacation time I'll have to dock for my time off the week of the 18th. And I am really, REALLY trying to get things nailed down before I leave. I made a lot of progress this week and will get a lot more done in the upcoming days. I hope.

Thursday was quite an adventure. I had some tests at UCSF Medical Center - so I got up at 4AM to do the 'prep' (I'll spare you the details), left the house at 6, got to BART in Pleasanton around 7:15, was on the train into the city by 7:30, in the city hailing a cab by 8:14 and at the office (via cab) by 8:30. The cab ride was 'wild' as most cab rides are - I didn't look out the front window at all - I just stared out the sides. I had to argue with the driver that the building he was trying to drop me at was NOT the address I had given him. Thank goodness I had a map and had just looked at a street sign and knew I was on Sutter Street, not Post. So finally got there. Checked in and was in the waiting room when the fire alarms went off. The receptionist was very nice and said 'Mrs. M., I know this is a drill so technically, I can leave you here. But the alarm is really loud so if you'd like to evacuate with us, please follow me'. And I had a nice 'coffee break' out on Post street with the entire office of people - including the RN who was assisting with my procedure, so we had a brief 'consult' out on the sidewalk.

The procedures went well. I was amazed and a bit relieved to find out that a LOT of women have the kind of issues I've been having. And I was amazed to see what they can 'do' in terms of assessing the workings of a persons 'poop functions'. Incredible. Good thing I gave up being modest upon having children. And while surgery is almost always what most OB/GYNs recommend, it is not the 'only' approach. The RN spent more time talking to me about my issues, and 'poop' in general and I got some good information and things to try to help the situation. AND the tests supported the no surgery approach - the muscles that the surgeon says are torn are actually intact and fine, though there are issues, created by childbirth and the two corrective surgeries I had last year. But they are in 'working order' and the Dr. at UCSF said she really didn't think a third surgery was going to make the situation that much better. So she sort of recommended against it but we'll see what the surgeon says when I see him on the 20th. I have a new fiber to try - very expensive but has twice as much of the kind of fiber I need as the cheaper, more commonly known brands. And I will be trying (still, always, forever, again) to modify my diet more. Seems like my entire life revolves around pooping (or not pooping, depending on the day). And I need to 'relearn' how to poop. To give myself plenty of time, not rush, etc. Fun, huh? So the no commute will be a big help - get up at my 'usual' time (6ish or earlier depending on when I wake up) and then have breakfast and give my system time to 'work'. Which I don't do enough now 'cuz I'm rushing out the door between 6:30 and 7 to get to to work in Livermore.

I'm glad to have the 'testing' over with. So many appointments all over the bay area. The nice thing though, was an excuse to visit San Francisco. I got to visit J. at work, meet some of his coworkers, see his office (really COOL set up and furniture and a nice 'look'. Really modern - IKEA like. I loved it!) and I also shopped a bit for some Christmas gifts at L'Occitane. Could have spent a FORTUNE there. But used restraint. J. called to say he was in a meeting and I told him 'call me back when you're done but you'd better hurry 'cuz the longer you take, the more it's going to cost us'.

I love SF. LOVE IT. And I think my introduction to cabs will free up my desire to go there more often. BART is so great and there are so many places to go - and it's all do-able with cabs. Call 415-333-3333 and a yellow cab will be there within two minutes. AND THEY ARE THERE IN TWO MINUTES and they call your cell phone to tell you your cab is here. And there it is! Great! If I could just get over the 'control freak' in me that can't handle not being behind the wheel. They are a scary bunch of drivers but they manage to get a lot of people to and from. So cabs it is!
We may take BART into the city for dinner with my sister and just take a cab to the restaurant. And maybe take a cab or two to shop a bit. LOVE post-Christmas shopping ESPECIALLY in San Francisco.

Got home after an exhausting day - needed a nap. But resisted 'cuz we didn't have any plans that evening (for the first time in a few nights) and then decided to take Dani to the vet - she was having 'issues' and it turns out she's got a cracked (down to the gum) back tooth that needs to come out. But they wanted to redo all the bloodwork, etc. (which came back fine - $250 worth of fine) before scheduling the procedure (planned now for the Friday before Christmas). So I took her in and on the way there, H. reminded me that he had to be back at school for his Winter Performance. I won't repeat the profanity that came out of my mouth. H. said 'nice, Mom'. I said 'sorry, Hunky (that's one of my many nicknames for him), but I'm really tired and Dad said we had NO plans for tonight and that's apparently not correct. So we leave Dani there while they do bloodwork and get an updated chest xray - then have J. pick her up on his way home while I got H. ready to go and out the door. Met H. & B. at school - B. saved seats (it's sure nice to live close enough to school that they can walk there) and waited for J. In the mean time, the vet called to say the xray machine was broken and they couldn't get the xrays. So I had to call J. to tell him to be sure NOT to pay for them. And that was a smart move 'cuz now we can wait awhile - why pay $200 more if we can wait on that. I crashed into bed around 9:30 and don't think I moved an inch until 4. Then dozed until 6.

So, that was the week. Received my first (and probably last, ever) standing ovation - how many jobs on the planet do you get a crowd of people giving you a standing ovation? And they're having a huge party for me next Thursday - that will be a pot luck lunch which I'm sure will be lots of fun!

Heading up to bed shortly. I need to catch up on some sleep.

Weekend activities to include: trimming the 12 foot Noble Fir in our living room. Wrapping some gifts. Shopping for more gifts. Getting cards ready. Tidying up the house. Assorted laundry. Etc.

Stay warm. It's stormy here. Cold, windy and a bit of rain.

Secret

I'm going to tell you a secret (or two). Maybe 3.

Driving home tonight, the moon was bright and huge. A full moon and bright enough to make the car lights and street lights look dim.

When I was little, I thought the 'face' on the moon -the man in the moon - was my dad. I always felt it was all going to be OK 'cuz he was up there watching out for us - for me. I still had that feeling of safeness on the way home tonight, looking at the bright moon.

I also dreamed that I had the Pillsbury dough boy and Dumbo the Flying Elephant in a shoe box under my bed. They were my 'best friends'. Cute and fun and completely happy to stay under the bed until I was ready to bring them out to play.

And, I dreamed I could fly all the time when I was a kid. Pretty much every night. I would take a running start and just lift off and while all my friends and my little sister were on the ground playing tag, I was playing tag in the air. I would zoom around watching them though they (oddly) never seemed to notice I was flying.

Lastly - my dad would frequently come visit us (me and my little sister) in our room after he died. He would always sit at the foot of my sister's bed - never mine. I guess 'cuz he knew I was awake? Anyway, he would sit there and watch us for awhile. He didn't really look like himself - he was a 'spirit' - white, and sort of 'lumpy'. I was terrified. But I would wait quietly while he sat there. He would never approach me but he would sit for awhile - or stand in the doorway. One night, he waved at me as he left - and then he didn't come back anymore. Which I was fine with because while I missed him, I was scared and really didn't want to 'see' him like that. I've always felt a little guilty about that - that I was so afraid of him. But he was a ghost and it's pretty hard not to be afraid of a ghost.

Strange the things you remember from when you were young.

Found

Today at church, a woman and her family sat in front of us. At the beginning of the service, when we all greet those around us, when she shook my hand, I recognized her. I waited until after the service when I tapped her on the shoulder and said 'excuse me, but are you Wendy?' And she said yes - and when I said 'I'm Mindy' she gave me the biggest hug. She and I worked together at my old corporate employer many, MANY years ago. We lost touch after she had a baby and quit working. I knew she and her (then) husband lived in Tracy and kept hoping to run into her. I've searched in the phone directory for her; driven by her address (not too far from our house). No luck. Learned today that I couldn't find her 'cuz she and her first husband got divorced and she's remarried. We are planning to meet for lunch one day during the break - it was so great to see her. She looks just the same and since the birth of her son (she almost died during childbirth and she can't have any more children as a result) has adopted a beautiful little girl. She's remarried to (by all appearances) a really sweet guy - he had his arm around her shoulders all during the services and I thought that was so sweet - and still living in Tracy. She's a stay at home mom. I'm really looking forward to catching up with her - she was a really good friend and we both commented how we were so sorry we lost touch.

AND our church has changed their policy of allowing only 'members' to take Communion - guess they realized that any Christian who's been baptized and confirmed in any Christian church should be allowed to participate - so today, for the first time in almost 20 years, I took Communion. So did J. The kids are also starting confirmation classes there this week and hope to be confirmed soon, though it will be a year or so before they will be able to participate. We still love the church and are really enjoying the new pastor. He's in his early 40s and is really 'cool' and we like him a lot. They interspersed Christmas music throughout the service since it's the first weekend of Advent.

We then went to Ace Hardware and bought our Christmas tree - a 10 foot Noble Fir. Beautiful and HUGE - but it's safely in the house and we will put lights on it this week after the fire retardent dries. We have decided to do all white lights this year - and then resisted the urge to spend another $60 on white and gold ornaments. Maybe next year we'll get ornaments to do a 'theme' tree.

We have a very busy week - Wednesday night we attend the kids confirmation meeting, Thursday night is H's school holiday performance. Thursday AM I have to be in San Francisco at UCSF medical center by 9AM for a test - THAT will be fun. Have to leave the house by 6 to get to BART in time to get to SF then take a Muni train to the hospital. The surgery will now be postponed indefinitely since my change in jobs makes taking time 'off' problematic. I figure I've lived with these 'issues' for a long time so I can probably manage another year. I will meet with the surgeon on the 20th just to see what he thinks about the test results and then we'll start making plan B since plan A is officially on hiatus.

Work is crazy. I sort of regret giving so much notice - not that I don't want to be helpful and get as much done as I can. But because on Friday afternoon, I realized that the work is still pouring in and there will be no 'I'm done' point in this transition. I have a list of things I absolutely, POSITIVELY must get done before I leave - after that, I'll just make folders, type notes and leave it for my coworker and boss to deal with. I can't get everything done - no way. I worked several 12 hour days this past week and felt the exhaustion in my bones. I can't do that for the next two weeks. Well, I could. But I'm not going to. They will muddle through without me. It will not be 'pretty' nor seamless. I have agreed to stay on email for awhile to help answer questions, etc. But at some point, the ties will be cut and I will have officially moved on. I will be meeting with the consulting company that has been hired to write a new job description for my job. Not sure I want to be involved with that process since the last project this company did for our district is what sent me 'over the edge' into 'officially looking for a new job'. Makes me sad to think about it and I don't really have anything constructive/positive to say. But I will try to give a description of what I am doing vs. what my job description defines what I'm paid to do and hope they come up with something more appropriate.

Two more weeks until my vacation. Can't wait. Have no 'plans' other than the usual holiday stuff - and can't wait to sleep in for days on end.

Thanks

Typical Thanksgiving. Have been cleaning and/or cooking non-stop since 8 AM this morning. The dishwasher has run no less than 7 times so far - with at least one more load to go to get all the crystal wine and water glasses washed and put away.

It was a smashing success and we gave away so many leftovers to the two single men attending that I will probably need to cook more tomorrow for us to have leftovers. But that's OK. It was delicious and filling and I am most thankful for the fact that this holiday comes once per year.

Nov. 21st was the 40th anniversary of my dad's death. Today (Thanksgiving Day) is my mother's birthday. November is a hard month for me and this November has been no exception. The 40th anniversary of the day that changed my life FOREVER is staggering to me this year for some reason.

I don't remember my dad much since I was only 6 when he died. I have a few memories of 'events' but no real memories of HIM - what he was like, what he looked like or sounded like. In talking more to my older sister this past year, though, I realize his death was much harder for her. She was a teenager when he died so she has lots of memories. She 'misses' him more than I do since she had more time to create memories with him and to really know him. And I'm getting to 'know' him a bit more through talking to her which has been really good for me. She said he always made sure he spent time with each of us every evening. I don't remember that but I know from her that he loved us very, very much. I wish I had known him better.

I wonder sometimes what our lives would have been like if he had lived. My mom would have stayed a 'traditional' stay at home mom. She would have been much, much happier and (to me and my little sister) a much 'better' mom. As it was, she was pretty much a shattered mess for most of my childhood and being 'happy' wasn't in her vocabulary. Still, she did a pretty darn amazing job of raising us and I'm grateful to her for that.

The dogs were miraculously perfect angels today. They didn't make a single bark toward our guests. Perhaps it was because they were out for a walk when all the company arrived so they didn't feel 'invaded'? Not sure but their NOT barking was a rare and wonderful thing. They stayed 'out' all day, running around downstairs and there wasn't a single accident - also a miracle. They are now wrestling in the study while I type this - we keep thinking they'll crash soon but they don't seem to be inclined to rest anytime soon. But I am heading upstairs for the night shortly. Glad the day was a success and admittedly, also glad it's over for another year.

Oh, and yesterday was Dani dog's 5th birthday. We celebrated by giving her one of the 'weiner dogs' from the Petsmart commercial which (like in the commercial) she carries with her off and on throughout the day. Too cute. Chloe got a pink one just like it - it's almost longer than she is. A new favorite 'game' is for the dogs to each have their weiner dog and one of the kids to be in the middle holding onto the weiners while the dogs wrestle them out of the kids hands. Too cute. We keep saying 'you really shouldn't eat your own kind' as they carry them around - but it really is cute.

I'm thankful for my family, for my new job and for my amazingly blessed life. I'm especially thankful for my friendship with my sister K. and for my husband J. who is my best friend and my 'love'. I am very blessed and I think knowing that is the thing I'm most thankful for.