First of Many

We attended church this morning...and with my careful, deliberate cajoling, H. attended also.  We were able to be there for B.'s last performance with the music group.

I didn't think much of it - though I had told J. I didn't think I would go and then texted him (and called him, too) confirming that this would be the last time B. would play - and when he confirmed it was, I decided to go.  I got H. to go too - it's a Christmas miracle sort of.  I think he would have preferred not to go but he did.

Somewhere in the first song, I really 'noticed' the drums.  The things they added to the music.  And then it hit me - it was B. playing....and it was his last time.  And the tears started.  So I stood and sang at the top of my lungs with tears streaming down my face.  Poor H..  Bad enough he 'had to' attend - but now his Mom was losing it standing next to him.

When the entry music ended and J. and B. joined us in the pew, I was totally emotional for a few seconds.  It passed....

I was just thinking a few days ago - before yesterday's events unfolded - that I rarely cry these days.  I accept it as a sign of age and emotional maturity.  Still, sometimes I think it's more just tamping down all the emotions I do have and just not letting them percolate up to the surface.  Crying felt kind of good this morning - and if/when it happens again in the next couple weeks, I think I'm going to give in.  Just let the tears come.

Maybe without yesterday's events, the tears today wouldn't have come....I will never know that....but I know that sitting there with one son watching the other play at church for the last time in who knows how long, I was so grateful to have my kids with me.  Both of them - safe and sound sitting in God's house.

And that feeling was most definitely part of yesterday.  All those families who are missing someone today....

We still have a lot of changes to get through in the next couple weeks.  And many more 'last times'....Christmas Eve; Christmas morning,etc. and I expect them to be hard.

I ran a few errands today and cooked cream of potato soup AND home made mac 'n cheese for dinner.  There's tons left for lunches and dinner tomorrow.  I also got supplies to make chicken fried steaks and then meatballs for spaghetti another night.  My idea of comfort food, I guess.

Tomorrow is wrapping and tidying.  And sleeping in, I hope.

Hug your family -