Returning

It's been a week of feeling on pins and needles with three family members in the hospital.  My cousin and brother-in-law (both in Arizona) came home today.  Both post surgery patients and glad they are home in the comfort of their own beds and on the road to recovery.  My Oklahoma City cousin is in the hospital post a blood marrow transplant so her road is longer - but she's on it!  I'd send her massive amount of flowers to bring her cheer and well-wishes but she can't have flowers in her room, so cards and notes and emails have to do.  Thankful for social media and technology which give us great ways to keep in touch.  She has a CarePages website so that makes keeping up to date so easy - and it's a way to keep in touch that I know she'll see when she feels up to reading.

My Arizona cousin and I Facebook chat most mornings and many evenings.  It's been a long week of missing her green light signaling she's online.  I've been humming the England Dan and John Ford Coley song "Nights are Forever Without You" and just subbing in morning for night.  It works.  I've missed her so much this week and am so glad she's home and doing well and the surgery she was dreading is over and done with!  Now, we will catch up.  I've been getting up at 5:45AM 'cuz without her green light, there's no reason to get up too early -

It is now very late Friday evening....and I am officially announcing my Titanic slot machine progressive obsession has abated for the foreseeable future.  Why?  'Cuz someone won it around 5PMish PST, that's why!  How do I know this?  I had a compulsion to drive up there today - so I did.  Just felt like I should go and then also remembered that the Bingo promo expires tomorrow at midnight.  So I went up today.  Played all afternoon (including a remarkably long time on my weekly freeplay).  Finally broke away to get something to eat and take a bathroom break.  Returned and played some more.  I stopped playing and cashed out (to move to another machine just two steps around the corner) and the machine I left malfunctioned as I took the pay slip out.  Had 'Call Attendant' flashing.  I walked around the corner and saw the progressive drop from $1.53M to $650K in a matter of seconds.

I will never know if the malfunction was caused by MY machine about to win that jackpot when I abruptly stopped playing.  What I do know - and am glad to know - is that the jackpot was not won at the casino I play at.  It was won somewhere in California but not at Jackson.  I am pretty sure the malfunction had nothing to do with it - I had already stopped playing.  And that machine had jammed before last week when we were there.  And I doubt I would have played $4 at that point, anyway.  '

But I might have.  Just not meant to be me, I guess.

I take comfort in that 'cuz I was planning to go up on Sunday and if the jackpot had been lower when I got there on Sunday, I would never know if it might have been won in 'my' casino.  I do know it wasn't.  Not this time, anyway.

So with sort of a 'WTF' attitude, I played into the night.  Lost what I brought to lose except $20.  I would have lost that, too, but the $20 bill I got from our bank's ATM this morning was all messed up - had something all over it and the casino slots wouldn't accept it.  So at least I came home with $20.

I thought a lot about my obsession on the drive home - with a pretty crescent moon lighting the way.  Drove carefully and thoughtfully while navigating headlights of oncoming traffic.

On Facebook, someone challenged me to post three things I'm grateful for five days in a row.  I haven't done it yet - not 'cuz I don't have plenty to be grateful for - but 'cuz I do, and I don't know where to start.  And that got me thinking about this obsession with the damn jackpot - living in the future of possibly winning vs. living in the now.  Now is good. Now is actually pretty great most of the time - yet I'm spending so much time inside my head, obsessing about changing this life.  THIS LIFE.  The right now of it.  There is nothing wrong with this life - so what needs changing?

So I quit.  I'm not doing that anymore.  I'm going back to the days of trips up to Jackson being a once in a while thing vs. weekly.  We don't need the money.  And how blessed am I to be able to say that?  Yes, it would be amazing...but we don't need it and other than possibly quitting my job sooner than planned, it really wouldn't change much.  Honestly, it wouldn't.  It would just go into the bank where all 'extra' money goes.

If it's meant to be, it will be.  And no amount of fretting is going to change that.  No amount of wishing or hoping or obsessing is going to change that.

I'm going to work harder at living in the now of things....instead of in the 'how I want it to be' of things.  Now is pretty frickin' awesome, actually - and I think I need to work harder at practicing that.  Living in the here and now of this life.  And being incredibly grateful for how amazing it all is.

Family Fun

We all headed up to Jackson this afternoon and I am pleased as punch to report that we had a really fun time together.

J. & H. had quite a hot streak at the craps table and while I ended up slightly down in my slot action, I didn't do too badly, either.  We came home ahead of what we took to lose and we had so much fun!  Pretty drive, nice dinner and a great time playing - with slots a little more loose than on Friday evenings, I think.

I voiced my opinion again at the players club window that the bingo pull tabs that have compelled me to head up there weekend after weekend in August have been pretty much a bust.  $10 food credit times four is the current count.  I said that because they offer weekly free play to members just to get us up there, I never imagined the prizes wouldn't be more free play - and am more than a little disappointed to have 'won' absolutely no free play.  Just free food.

Still, we have had fun and I plan to go up next Sunday for the final Bingo tab event.

It was hard to leave a very hot machine on a Sunday evening but I had to 'cuz I wasn't alone and the guys were ready to go.  If I return next weekend and find someone won the progressive after we left, I will be upset....though the odds of that are pretty slim.  Still, the machine felt 'hot' (like it did the night I won a lot of money on it) and it was hard to stop.

H. is pleasant company - good conversation.  It's so fun to hear him laughing as he watches some crazy video on his phone.  He is always so inquisitive about everything.

I was thrilled to have two one hundred dollar bills in his wallet - a good evening for him.

I didn't work a bit this weekend and I still feel confident I will be totally OK.  I am pretty much 'done' with my big report - just double/triple checking.  And I did take time last week to cull out and reorganize stuff so things are tidier and filed, which always makes me feel lighter, somehow.

Smite is our new family verb.  It's defined as 'striking' (hitting) but we sort of use it in the context of 'getting you' vs. hitting.  We don't hit...ever.  H. used it in a sentence a few weeks back....and it's sort of become our 'go-to' word.

Both H. and I now have been smited by some stomach bug.  I am relieved 'cuz it helps me worry about H. less to find myself also frequently hurrying to the bathroom.  A bug is just a bug and we will be better in a few days.  Vs. something seriously wrong with H. that needs attention.  It's just a bug, I think.

Monday....you smite me.

Stuff About Stuff

Facebook is becoming a place where the only thing happening is people pouring containers of ice water over their heads.  Hey, I'm all for a great cause....but can we all please move on to something else?

Finally filed our 2013 taxes today and was relieved to review the IRS code and realize that the absolute most they can penalize us is 100% of amount due - which was a whopping $65.  Interest on that too plus whatever the penalty is but oh well.  Just couldn't wrap my head around finishing until this morning when I finally just did it!

Made my once every couple months trip to Walmart and left for under $100 - and that included a tidy sum for greeting cards.  And some groceries.  And a splurge:  a packet of 10 multi-colored Ink Joy pens.  The desk is full of pens but a lot of them don't write.  We were due for a new pack.

It's only a splurge 'cuz we do have pens.  But aren't new, pretty colored pens so much fun?  Sometimes a girl just needs color.

We are all heading up to Jackson tomorrow - making it a family afternoon and sharing a buffet dinner together.  Yes, it will undoubtedly 'cost' more but oh well.  It's entertainment for us all.

H. hasn't been feeling too well the past few days.  Stomach issues.  Not sure if we should be worried?  But we know he's really under the weather when he says he doesn't feel like eating much.

B. was out last night and went to the restroom and left his phone on the table.  Why would he do that? Would he leave his wallet on the table?  A $100 bill on the table?  So now he has to buy yet another phone and this time, I'm not bailing him out.  If he has to save up for the deductible for his insurance and be phone less for awhile, so be it.

I know we will help him pay for the phone 'cuz he's heading out our way soon and he needs a phone while he's there so we can figure out where he is when we visit.  Just makes me doubly glad that when he tried to guilt me into loaning him money to purchase a pistol from a friend to use for marksmanship practice, I said a firm and repeated 'no'.  Reminding him that if he'd stop living from one check to the next spending every dime he has, he'd have plenty of money to buy what he wants when a 'great deal' comes around.  It's really hard for me to say 'no' to him - I mean, I want to always be able to help him.  But helping him buy completely discretionary things is not happening.  Fixing his truck?  Yes.  Helping purchase a new phone (again)? Probably happening.  But not purchasing a gun for target practice.

This is the fourth weekend in August and I have not worked any of them.  Pretty amazing!  Not planning to work much of next weekend, either though we'll see.

Working is a lot less expensive than going to Jackson.

We hired a new gardener and for $5 more a month than we've been paying, we have someone who will come weekly!  And will plant whatever we leave for him to plant; prune and weed regularly AND mow and edge.  OH and blow off the debris from the patios, walkways, etc. .  Our current guy pretty much spends 10 minutes mowing and edging every other week.  So we're upgrading.  J. stopped at a house on one of his walks and asked the lady (who is an acquaintance - her son and H. were good friends in grade school and she and her family own the best Thai restaurant in town) who they use.  She gave us the referral.  Nice guy and speaks good English - which will be a help as well.  We're paying a very reasonable $100 for a huge 'catch up' effort - and the yard needs it so I'm happy to pay for it to look nice.

My cousin and brother-in-law are in the hospital currently and another cousin goes into the hospital Monday. So far, everyone's doing well and I'm sure my cousin's procedure on Monday will go well.  All of these family members are tough cookies and are or will be making huge strides daily towards full recovery - and I'm so glad to report that.  Sending prayers and thoughts to all, everyday, all day.

Milestone

Today, I celebrate making the last car payment on my car!  Yippee!!  And also celebrating that the car only has 54K miles on it so it's pretty likely it will run for awhile longer.

Plans to put that amount into savings each month - and/or paying down the swimming pool.  Little by little, we whittle away.

My brother-in-law is having major surgery today - so my thoughts will be on him and my sister pretty much most of the day.  A day to just quietly toil away in my office whittling away on things there, too.  Praying for a good result - the surgery will be 6-8 hours with 2-4 in recovery and then ICU for a few days followed by a week or more in the hospital.  Long journey ahead.  It's times like these I wish I lived in Arizona.

More thoughts simmering but will refrain for now.  Too early to put on paper all the things swimming in my head about the state of things in our world right now.

Second cup of coffee sounds good.

Followings

I made reservations for a trip to Phoenix - my aunt is turning 90 (!) in November and we're all going to celebrate her special day.  B. is meeting us there, too - hopefully around the same time our flight arrives so we can deal with the airport only a couple times during our brief stay.

I booked our hotel through a popular travel website - and even though I've booked and prepaid for our entire stay, this morning my Facebook feed was full of suggested places to stay.  And since I actually visited several of those popular travel websites, I have feeds from them, too.

It's like Facebook follows your every move.

I think it's safe for me to officially mention that B. did indeed get promoted up a rank - his paycheck reflected the change in status.  We Skyped with him yesterday.  They are gearing up to head to Cali on September 1st and are traveling by a 'coach' bus.  Long trip but guess it's a lot less expensive vs. flying a ton of guys out to an airport that is a ways away from where they will be stationed.

Always good to talk to him.

H. finishes radiation today and is gearing up to find a job.  I thought/assumed he would stay on disability through the end of December but he said 'I've got things I want to do' and he needs a job to do them.  I just worry that his appointments, etc. will lead to him being fired over and over and over.  These days, his work will likely be temp work and absences get you gone.

Yesterday was the laziest of days. I stayed in my PJ's all day.  It was awesome!

Updates Great and Small

B. is heading to Cali for six weeks from what we know so far.  We're not sure what changed, but we're glad he will be in his home state and sure hope we can wedge in a couple long weekend road trips down to see him.

H. finishes radiation tomorrow!  He's got sore skin on his chest and back - the radiation goes in on his chest and exits through his back - so both look like a really bad, painful sunburn.  I procured items recommended to try and will do my best to get him to actually apply them.  Parenting an adult is impossibly frustrating.  But we will continue to try to get him to do what needs doing.  It's not that he resists the big things.  He drives to Modesto five days a week and never complains.  He's never complained about any of it, really.  Not an ounce of self pity or struggle about what needs doing - he's just done it.  But the little things - urging him to get proper rest; eat better; apply things to his skin daily as he's been advised to do by the doctor - those things he resists.  Typical, I guess.  He'd be resisting sleeping more and eating better even if he didn't have cancer.

I have two other family members approaching surgery dates in the next couple weeks and it makes me wish I lived closer to those family members.  I also have a cousin going through a bone marrow transplant for leukemia - also far away.  Praying for everyone with all my might.

I worked minimally yesterday and realized I was way ahead of where I thought I was - what a treat it is to have weekends free.  I don't think that's happened in my entire tenure in this position and it's just so welcome.  It feels weird, though.  But I'll get used to it.  Fewer meetings and shifting things off my plate has really helped me accomplish my personal goal - work fewer weekends.  And it's happening!  I could get used to this.

J. and I enjoyed headed to Jackson again on Friday really early and finally enjoyed the seafood buffet. We're not sure why the buffet last week was so incredibly crowded - 'cuz we rushed up there very early (and J., bless his heart, stood in line for an hour+ to secure our place) and yet we could have easily gotten a table without being there so early.  Guess it's just dependent on when people get paid; bus schedules; etc. .  The food was good but as always, it's just way too much work to get lobster and crab meat out of the shells. Splattering liquid and other stuff all over the place for two bites of meat.  (I've had those same thoughts every time we've done a crab feed fundraiser, etc. .)  Yes, it's delicious - but it's a lot of work - and I'm just not that patient.  Thankfully, my wonderfully sweet hubby helped - and found melted butter, too.  It was a nice dinner though I was itching to get back to my machine - I was on a hot streak when J. got to the table.

Though we ended up leaving in the red, we weren't down as much as we brought so that's good.  We're going to all head up next Sunday for a nice dinner.  I'm urging H. to save a little of his weekly $ for our trip up and J. is going to play Black Jack with him, I think.  I'm also thinking we could all play video poker which at least helps you learn the basics of the game.

So far, the promotion that has me going each weekend has been disappointing - meal credits vs. any free play.  I plan to write a letter if I end up getting only food credits for the entire promotion.  They give away weekly free play just to get you up there - so I never imagined in a million years that five weeks of 'pull tab' prizes [that are invalid if not opened by a casino employee] would result in not much play at all.  It bums me out - and I've promised J. that as soon as the event is over, I will go back to going up there once in a blue moon vs. weekly.

My obsession with Titanic slots will abate.  Once I win the progressive!  Let's do this thing!!

Today, I'm going to work on closing out our 2013 taxes.  Hoping to hear from B. tonight via Skype. Piddling around the house and probably getting in the pool for a bit, depending on how hot it gets here today.  It's still a mild 70 at the moment so perhaps it won't be a scorcher.

Here's to a productive week!

Farewell, Robin

As promised, I'm sharing things that put into words things hard to fathom in the aftermath of losing the light of Robin Williams to suicide.

My cousin H. of San Francisco posted the above and followed it with this:

And the wild things cried "Oh please don't go!  We'll eat you up, we love you so."  But Max stepped into his private boat, and waved goodbye.

Robin stepped onto his private boat and waved goodbye to all of us.

I noted the news releases of his death were in the afternoon but the press release of the sheriff's department indicated the 911 call came in the morning.  I truly, deeply appreciate the family allowing the press to report it was a suicide.  For giving us the word to describe what happened honestly and openly.  So many times, suicide is never mentioned.  Like it's shameful.  Maybe it is, maybe it isn't - but someone like Robin, who struggled with darkness for much of his life helps shine a light onto mental illness.   His family being honest about the circumstances of his death shine a light on mental illness and people who struggle with it.  

Depression isn't something people choose.  It isn't something you can 'shake off'.  You can't snap out of it.  It consumes you in a way that defies description.  I say all those things because I've lived it - so I feel like I know enough about it to at least state those basic, simple truths.

He was in a dark, dark place and so tired of being there.  Desperate to not be there.  And from that perspective, I feel relief for him - that he's free of such enormous pain and suffering.

I am so sorry for his family.  So sad that he left them abruptly and that he chose to leave them.  At it's core, I think that's what is so hard about suicide and why it's not rarely spoken of openly: the person chooses to leave all they are leaving behind.  And how can you fathom that of someone you adore?  Who adores you? Not something any of us could easily wrap our heads around.

Lastly, I share what his daughter Zelda posted on Twitter -

Now we all have stars that can laugh.  His final gift -