Reconnecting with the Amazing Bug

I've been pondering relationships and friendships a lot lately.  They say the friends from work usually last two to five years once you stop working.  I am finding that to be a little true.  I still have a handful of friends that keep in touch regularly - if you are reading this and think 'is she talking about me'? probably not - but I am/have losing/lost touch with people I never imagined I wouldn't be in touch with.  

My handful of friends (some go back 30+ years) are treasures and I'm blessed.  I know I lean more toward reclusive vs. social and it's a constant struggle for me.  I get so much in my head - pondering/feeling the effort to be in touch seems/feels often unreciprocated so my psyche convinces me 'people don't want to hear from you.  They don't care about you anymore'.  I know it's not true - but that's another thing that I've been experiencing post-retirement - my mind can convince me of really stupid shit.  And when it's not convincing me about a bunch of nonsense, it's creating staggering anxiety which is also about stupid shit.

And truthfully, people are busy.  Busy living life.  Busy doing all the things we all do.  And then some in the case of the many work friends who are still working.  Time flies by so incredibly quickly and I'm always saying that.  Pondering 'what day is it today' and realizing I think it's mid-week and it was Saturday.  Crazy.  Our days are full of doing whatever we do and they are flying by.  True for us and true for others as well. 

I reconnected last week with a former boss - my boss from the Community College I worked out from August 2002 through December 2007.  He is retiring from his job as the President of a Bay Area community college (not the one we both worked at way back when).  The call was....perplexing and hard.  I realized during the call that the friendship I thought would be there no matter what - wasn't.  True, we hadn't been in touch much - and maybe I should have realized the relationship would have most certainly morphed in all that time.  I don't think he felt the same about the experience but mostly, that's because he was aloof and guarded which may just be his constant mode....so the call didn't seem off to him in any way, probably.  He kept his guard up, said some things that made me feel bad and that's where we left it.  Dredging up things that happened decades ago....way to kill any kind of re-connection.

Anyway, it was a hard call I regretted making and I've been beating myself up about it for a week.  I don't know why I do that because I'm pretty much a 'let it go' kind of girl.  But retirement has freed up brain cells and apparently, they keep firing in ways to focus me on things that perplex me.

My dear friend Bug is who gave me my former bosses phone number and encouraged me to call.  She also suggested the two of us do a catch up call soon - and when I messaged her a couple days ago to set up a call, there was a part of me that was not sure I should.  My heart couldn't take another not great phone call with someone I've always treasured and I was really afraid.  I needn't have been.  We picked up right where we left off - and talked for two and a half hours straight.  

Oh my goodness, she is a gift.  Truly, I don't know how she is always so spot-on and wise about the things she says.  I wish I had recorded the entire conversation because she said so many on-point things about so many situations - each one helping me more and more to let stuff go.  I've got lots of things to find - books she uses to focus herself daily and also some local happenings in her area (related to a community college where she lives) to spend time reading and pondering.  She and her family moved to Coure 'dAlene, Idaho a few years ago.  She wasn't working when they first moved but now is working full time at a chiropractor's office - a job that pays the bills and she enjoys.  

She suggested some books she reads daily - positive affirmations and ways to start the day intentionally.  She suggested a lot of other stuff and as always with her, I marvel at how truly wise and grounded she is.  God is her focus and she ties all things around Him.  I needed that regrouping around faith.  

I hope we will reconnect again and again.  She has two young kids so her busy quotient is considerably higher than mine but when she heads out to Target and has dropped off the kids at her parents (who live nearby), it will be great to chat again! 

Love you, Bug.  Thanks for being the most amazing friend even after a long gap from contact.  True friends are never, ever apart. 

Christmas Memories

Taking a walk down memory lane today decorating the Christmas tree.  Lately, even the simplest tasks turn into projects - culling through ornaments and letting some go.  If an ornament isn't immediately triggering a warm, fuzzy memory, it's worth considering letting it go.  Thankfully, there are SO MANY with memories attached.  

I bought small silver box ornaments ages ago fully intending to use them for a Christmas gift to co-workers back in the day.  I've moved them into the donation box along with a bunch of others.   We also ended up with four glass stagecoach ornaments from J.'s former employer - they are all identical and I honestly have no idea why we purchased so many?  Probably thinking he would share them with co-workers, too - but we never did.  Destined for the donation box.  Keeping one of each and passing the others on.  Someone will be blessed to find them.  J.'s going to take them to thrift store this week so someone can find them to use on a tree this year. 

Anytime we're culling things out, it feels good.  It really does.  It will consolidate  ornament storage quite a bit to finally let go of some.   

Muf headed to the tree skirt and is convinced they are hiding from us as her fuzzy tail hits the lower branches as she 'hides'.  Nala has made herself at home in the empty plastic storage bin - it's the hugest box and she is blissfully content (also) thinking she is hiding.   

Now that we've started, I'm determined to go through every single box of Christmas stuff in the garage - something we did before we left Tracy and again when we were in the rental before moving to the house.  So much stuff!  

The weather forecast said snow all night as we headed to bed last night.  It looks like the hills around us got quite a bit but we didn't have any new snow on the ground when we woke up this morning.

To Fly or not to Fly

While attending the buffet at Atlantis on Thanksgiving Day, I played slots.  No surprise, right?  I saw my friend C.'s mom who was with another daughter visiting from Florida.  I asked K. (C.'s mom) 'is C. here too?'.  She said 'C. has too much to do so'.  

I saw C. today - she hosted Thanksgiving which is why she was too busy to bring her mom to the casino last week.  C. told me that her mom got COVID AND Type A flu - most likely from her daughter visiting from Florida.  9 people at the get together were infected with one illness or both.  C.'s mom ended up spending two days in the hospital - she's 91.  She's doing fine, back at home with 24 hour nursing care.  C. owns a company and many of her employees were among the guests at the dinner and all are so sick, they have been in bed.  Yikes.

She said her sister starting having symptoms on Thanksgiving Day but she truly thought it was the change from humid climate to dry climate.  Never imagined she was sick.  Never imagined that she was infecting a ton of other people with two viruses she very likely got from being on a cross-country trip on multiple airplanes.  

The sister and her hubby were finally able to fly back home today - though C. said 'they shouldn't have but they wanted to get home'.  

This scenario is exactly why I don't want to fly.  Truly.  Don't want to.

Tales of a Gambler

A casino 30 minutes south of us sent me an offer too good to decline.  Claiming the offer involved calling the marketing department rep of the casino.  She asked me 'is there anything wrong? (that is keeping us from visiting - parenthetical thought added by me).  At the time, I replied no.  

Today, we ventured there because in addition to the special offer from the marketing department I had a previous (also pretty good) offer - so I felt like it was a good amount of free play and worth going there.

Within the first hour, I was down [$x].  It wasn't huge but it WAS (felt) huge when you're in the mode of trying (so hard) to stop putting all of the play (including any winnings) back.  

I was discouraged and down.  I took my last $200 and headed to a different bank of Dragonlinks and decided 'what the heck' and bet big.  I recovered all I had lost plus a wee smidge  In the mean time, a machine with a $900 plus major on the other side of the same bank of machines opened up and J. saved it for me.  

Jokingly, as we headed out this afternoon, I told J. 'my goal is to get my first hand pay at CVI today'.  I truly was feeling like it was an impossible challenge when I'd played a fair amount already and had a good list of 'things' to share with the marketing department when I phoned them later this week to share what I remembered upon playing:  we don't win here so why do we play here?  

I decided to go for it.  A Hail Mary that could be epic or could bomb spectacularly.  The 'new month' is a few days away so I knew I had 'new money' available in a few days so I felt the risk was worth it.  

At 1:44 PM, this happened.  Just under a hand pay!  ($1,165 total). 

 

At 1:52 PM, this happened.  $2,190 total.  Handpay # 1.  Angle of picture is due to me taking it standing to the side while the slot attendant cleared the win so I could keep playing.

At 2:47 PM, this happened.  The Major was $1,000 - it had topped out (the limit is $1,000) while I was playing.  Handpay # 2.

Two hand pays an hour apart.  We hightailed it out of there.  I covered all of my losses today and then some so yay for that!!  

Gambling is a head trip, always.  I visited the local casino I mentioned in my last post this morning for my last November free play - and played a 'farewell' amount.  The wins at the other casino more than covered the loss from this morning and I am super grateful for that!  A friend of mine was there and I told her 'this will be my last visit here until maybe January'.  She asked why and I told her - and she very quickly said 'you need to talk to R.. You are right, that decrease makes zero sense'.  I hope it is a fixable thing - but am totally OK if it isn't.  As I mentioned yesterday, I feel a break would be a good thing. 

Our next play date is Atlantis on Wednesday for our weekly free play and then again on Saturday for another free play round.  

The freeway and all major streets in Carson are freshly brined so we know there is weather on the horizon.  J. gently prepared me for 'if we can't get to Reno on Saturday' and it will be totally fine if that's what happens.  Though fingers crossed we can go at a point in the day where weather isn't an issue.

Our post-Thanksgiving feast was great but oh my Lord the process is taxing.  The sink (disposal) clogged badly leaving us no option but for J. to trek to Home Depot in search of a 'proper' sink plunger.  It did the trick (thank goodness).  Note to self:  NO PEELS.  EVER.  Not potato, not cucumber, not carrots.  TRASH ONLY. 

Grocery Store Dilemmas

After we watch our evening shows, we usually take a break from whatever death, mayhem or drama we've been watching and wind down with an episode of West Wing.  After that, J. goes to You Tube.  We watch Jeopardy highlights and lately, he's been watching a guy giving tips for how to do things with your iPhone.  

J. learned we can create shared reminders and/or lists so now we have a Costco list and a grocery list.  We can both add or delete and changes are made on both lists (his and mine).  It's revolutionizing everything.  We started a 'to-do' list to keep track of the many things we know we need to do but often don't get to 'cuz there's not a list.  It's nice being retired and having things be 'get to it when you like' but...a list keeps reminding us and that's a help.  

We spent Thanksgiving at Atlantis in the Grand Ballroom Buffet which was epic as always.  Somehow, I missed all the side dishes - no stuffing, mashed potatoes...I just never made it to the 'side station'.  I got a delicious turkey wing, a crab cake, some cranberry sauce, lobster ravioli.  All delicious.  And berry pie for dessert.

We had already decided we would get the fixings for a small holiday meal to make at home.  I thought of a turkey leg and maybe a turkey roll.  With stuffing, green bean casserole, etc. .  I made a shopping list and prepared to go to Walmart - usually do an online order and pickup but I wanted to choose the best options available for turkey - so thought I would go myself.  Then I remembered it was Black Friday and there was no way I was going to head to Walmart on Black Friday.

J. accompanied me and we went to our (very) nearby Savemart.  Found a turkey leg for $11.  Found a whole turkey for $4.90 - 39 cents a pound.  There was no way I could spend double that on one turkey leg...so we will be cooking an 11 pound turkey on Sunday along with all the trimmings.  It will be delicious!  And we can make all sorts of yummy things - including turkey tetrazzini which is delicious!

The store was also having their $5 each when you purchase 5 in their meat section so we got a bunch of meat.  We have been successfully eating off the freezer for the past month or two so we have plenty of freezer space.  We are well stocked as we head into December.  

In other news, I received my December offers from the local casino here in Carson I frequent - and they dropped my freeplay down a ridiculous amount.  I talked to the marketing department and they will be double checking it because it is a very steep drop.  On a good note, I've been feeling like I'm ready to take a break so....might make it a very easy 'nudge' to do that.  Skip going there twice a week starting in December.  I think that will help my psyche a lot, actually.  

Hope everyone had a great day of giving thanks and eating delicious food.  

End of Month

Can't believe it's the end of October and not a single post this month.  I have a couple drafts pending but pretty sure I won't post them.  I find myself editing and second guessing myself about putting stuff out into the cosmos.  Chalk it up to having re-read a lot of old posts and feeling so often that I wish I hadn't posted.  All of the history of H. that now seems stupid to have shared.  Fake jobs.  Fake school activities.  

It's hard going through all of it over and over.  

On that note, I told H. (when he called on Saturday) that I felt like the best approach was to try to just go forward, taking one day at a time.  I flash angry (to myself and sometimes sharing with J.) pretty often but I have to just let all that go.  I'm still holding onto a huge amount of anger about things that happened when we still lived in Tracy way back when - and Lord knows there's way more than that now to still have to work through.  

H. sounds really good and seems to be doing OK.  He was moved from 'intake' (where he spent two weeks) to 'the program' where he will be until early April (at least).  J. and I are so glad this type of program exists - yes, it is his 'sentence' for his possession charge but it's a program designed to give people who are willing to change the opportunity to do that.  They have reassured him they will find him a bed in a sober living environment and assist with job placement as well because they don't want to waste resources by sending someone out to the streets again.  

Of course, even as I write the above I think 'we have absolutely no way to know if anything H. has said about the situation is true'.  That's what's so hard about sharing anything lately - realizing that there's a chance it's all bull shit.  

And still have to try to give the benefit of the doubt and hope he is being truthful.  

October gave us a good glimmer of winter.  As I type this, the skies are overcast.  We've had the heater on a bit - taking the chill off the rooms we are in.  There is a storm heading our way tonight and snow is predicted - we still hope to get to Atlantis for free play on Wednesday. 

This morning, I ended the month with a hand pay at our local Gold Dust West.  Had a fun hour or so of play on my last spin of my free play.  

(It's now November 1st technically).  Not a single trick-or-treater last night - disappointed a bit but not really surprised.  This is a neighborhood with very few little people - some, but not many.  And those that are in the neighborhood must either be not participating in Halloween at all?  Or going somewhere else to celebrate.  

Time to post!  Hello, November!

Quiet Sunday

I slept in until 7:40ish.  Made a cup of coffee and headed to the study.  J. was up not too much later.  Miraculously, I remembered I wanted to get a pot roast going for Sunday Dinner.  To have it cook 8 hours I needed to get it started by 8AM - I eat dinner very early because I mostly eat two meals a day - so J. got the crock pot out and I got it going.  Easiest recipe EVER - chuck roast in the crock pot, sprinkle a packet of Hidden Valley Ranch dressing mix and Au Jus gravy mix over the meat, add 3-5 pepperocini and cook on low for 8 hours.  

I've already had two servings (small) and it's just approaching 2PM.  SO GOOD.  Yikes!  I wish the roast was bigger for more leftovers but we will definitely add this meal to our favorites.  Super easy and super delicious. 

H. called this morning - he sounds good.  He used the commissary money we sent him to get canned mackerel (cheaper than tuna), instant coffee, ramen soups, dehydrated refried beans (add hot water and let sit then eat).  He's eating as much protein as he can.  I was surprised about the mackerel but then impressed that he was choosing the protein source that was the least expensive.  And when I suggested he should eat that outside, he said 'oh, there is definitely a rule - eat anything fish(y) and you need to eat it outside.  

He said the environment is a lot less chaotic compared to the jail.  When it's lights out, everyone is quiet and goes to sleep.  The jail was just loud pretty much all the time.  

We ordered some basic clothing items - he had only one long sleeve t-shirt and shorts when he was arrested - and they should arrive there tomorrow.  New shoes should arrive a couple days after that.  I really pondered helping him - but in the end, we are his parents and we have them means to help provide basic things he needs.  He will be in the program for four to six months and then need to find work and a sober living environment to live in - and feeling OK about how you look - having clothing appropriate for playing basketball and for keeping warm is important.  

My mom-ness always overrides the thoughts I have about 'we shouldn't offer any financial assistance ever'.  

We set up his next call for Wednesday evening - this week coming up is pretty busy.  J. is playing golf Monday and Tuesday and then Tuesday evening, we will drive to Reno for dinner at 5PM with our friends before the 7:30PM performance of "Hairspray" at the Pioneer Center for the Arts.  Wednesday we will head to Atlantis for our weekly free play - and J. has a tooth procedure that morning.  If he's feeling punky after, I will head to Atlantis solo on Wednesday.  Or maybe I'll go on Thursday - 'cuz J. is heading to California on Thursday for a concert at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino which opened recently.  He and his friend R. are seeing the Doobie Brothers.  J. will be home Friday.  

Weather has been beautifully clear and warmer - my winter weight comforter is back in the closet.  

Our every three week coffee order from Amazon has increased $15 in the past month or so.  I cancelled the order, went to the Costco website and found a similar coffee (we love Sumatra) on sale so I ordered five boxes.  A much larger expenditure for this month's budget but we will have plenty of coffee for a few months.  

There are homes in our neighborhood for sale and they aren't selling.  Interest rates are double what our current rate is and I think that is definitely hindering home sales.  The builder of our home is building dozens more in a new area of the golf course just around the corner from our neighborhood - small, patio homes with very little backyard.  They seem to be moving and last we heard, still had a huge waiting list of people wanting to buy.  

B. lost a buddy from Ft. Campbell to suicide earlier this week.  Always so hard.  B. is heading to El Paso, TX for work for a week or so - his new job is doing trainings with all sorts of public service entities.  He said these trainings are a lot easier than the maneuvers and exercises he had constantly at Ft. Campbell.  

September has been a truly epic month on the play front - so many wins.  I don't want to be specific because the numbers are making me pause considerably - for the total of the epic wins but also for the ease with which those wins become play.  It's a hard hobby at times.  I'm grateful for the wins and plan to spend the next three months enjoying some low and slow while trying to build up additional play cash.  We are so far above what we need to maintain our level at Atlantis that we may spend more time at local casinos here in Carson and also one we really enjoy that's in Minden - about 30 minutes south.  Our Atlantis casino host is very likely retiring at the end of February and I told her yesterday that we may move away (more) from Atlantis without her there.  I feel very loyal to her - but not necessarily loyal to Atlantis.  We'll see.  She is going to make sure our new host is someone J. and I will both love - and I know she will do that.  Having a great host makes a HUGE difference in the experience.  She makes everything easy.  Call or text or email, ask for what you want or need and she makes it happen. 

J. just came in to remind me that today is the 34th (!!!) anniversary of the day we met.  It was also a Sunday - which I remember because it was rare for me to do a social thing on the eve of a new work week...but I was trying to step out of my comfort zone and do things more spontaneously.  Y'all know the date turned out pretty well - and in fact, 10 days ago (9/15) was the 32nd anniversary of our engagement.  Time flies by so incredibly fast.  Margaritas at a (long time closed) restaurant at San Leandro Marina.  He tells everyone he was most impressed when I bought the 2nd round.  Seemed a common courtesy to me.  He had the most beautiful blue eyes, a great smile and a quick wit.  We were together from that date forward.  

Life is good and blessings abound.  Often complex - definitely.  We are a good team.