Thinking of You & Be Well

M. (H.'s friend from rehab) reached out again - sent two pictures.  

H. gave M. this when they were in rehab together.  She said 'H. gave me this in New Hope (rehab facility)....just wanted to let you know I'm still praying for him every day and I pray that one day soon, I can show him I still have it!  

Bless her heart.  

I have one of these in my desk drawer here - I gave this to H. (along with an extra, I think) when he was in rehab to remind him we were always thinking of him.  

So sweet that M. kept it all these years.  

She said she really feels in her heart that he will come around soon.  Time will tell. 

Non-Stop Thinking

There have been moments lately when I think 'I wish we knew someone in Texas who might be able to try to find H. so we know he is OK.  (OK = alive.  Never imagined in a zillion years I would have to think that about one of my kids but here we are.  That's where we are pretty much most of the time).  

Yesterday, out of the blue, a friend of H.'s from when he was in rehab in Modesto in 2018 reached out.  She had just celebrated her 4th year of sobriety and shared that she had a six month old baby and had left her husband because he started using drugs and she refused to be around that.   She moved to Texas to live with her mother temporarily.  

Her mother travels to Houston for business all the time - they live in the Dallas area so it's a 4 hour drive but M. said her mom will keep an eye out for H. when she's in Houston.  We sent her a snip-it pic of the area where we think he was hanging out.  

As expected, her contact brought everything back to the surface.  Trying to explain to her all the things that happened (keeping it brief) and also wanting to be sure she protects her sobriety above all else.  Trying to gently explain how little trust we have in anything H. does or says.  And not saying (but wishing we had) that while we would love to know someone has seen him, we aren't looking to step back on the daily roller coaster of his life.  He has to help himself - first and foremost - and I'm hoping we didn't just introduce people into the 'story' that might decide helping him is their priority.  We've been there.  But we can't go there anymore.  We won't.  

We did tell her that we won't be at all surprised to learn if they do see him that he 'doesn't want contact with his family at this time'.  That's a line he used with his friend P. (who we met when he was in rehab in 2010).  P. hasn't heard from him in ages either.  

My heart which hasn't felt light in a very long time feels staggeringly more heavy today.  I remind myself I'm fretting about something that may never happen - Houston is a huge city and we have no idea where H. is exactly - so the odds of M.'s mom seeing him are slim.  

Other happenings:  we have to pay for our Bahama cruise in 7 days so we're in a constant state of all the what ifs.  I'm pretty sure when we booked the cruise (which is Thanksgiving week), we were assuming we would spend time at Disneyworld at the end of the cruise because there is no way I would voluntarily fly anywhere the weekend after Thanksgiving.  No way.  I foresee us ending up taking 24+ hours to actually get back home - and I don't like the idea of setting ourselves up for that out of the gate?  [I'm honestly not sure how/why we thought that timing would be good - but it isn't].  Every ounce of my being is telling me I don't want to go.  I just don't.  And J. does.  Which is pretty much where we've been on the travel question since we moved into this house.  

It's been five days since I wrote everything above this line and there's more to update.  

We cancelled the cruise.  J. understood my concerns about traveling home from Orlando on the busiest travel weekend of the year - something I would have NEVER booked so I know we thought we'd do Disneyworld after the cruise - but that's not happening.  I looked into it and it was do-able - it seems like the parks are more 'open' than they have been - but still, it's a gazillion more things to coordinate and my heart just isn't in it.  

I think I'm coming to grips with some things that have hit me since retirement and I just can't undo it all.  It's like the daily high stress I had in my work just kept me in hyper mode all the time - so big trips were 'easy' - stress was my norm so travel stress was nothing.  But now?  I feel 'anxious' about having a dental appointment.  Or a doctor appointment.  Or a trip to the bank.  I leave the house as needed for those things and our weekly trips to Atlantis - but mostly?  I just want to be home. 

It's a constant back and forth 'struggle' for me to commit to 'stuff'.  Pretty much any stuff.  Last night, our friends reached out to offer us two tickets to Hadestown in Reno at the Pioneer Center for the Arts.  They are traveling and can't use the tickets - and their friends (who they have season tickets with) will also be attending - so it's spending time at a 2.5 hour show with two people we don't know very well (at all).  And the one time I've met them, the wife was incredibly surly the entire time - kept to herself - didn't speak to anyone.  Not exactly sounding like a great time - but we said yes.  And we will go.  And I will be dreading going until it's done.  

My psyche is a puzzlement.  

In another out of the blue moment, the person who I communicated with about a year ago (and in that conversation (via FB Messenger) realized our son hadn't ever lived there as he'd said he was) reached out with a 'did you find him'?  Completely out of the blue and strange.  She said her brother M. thinks about H. a lot (including telling me the brother thought H. would be dead by now).  I told her we had spoken to him last in February and aren't in touch with him much.  

So my heart is even more heavy than five days ago.  And that's pretty damn heavy.  

After two days of golf, hubs is home today and we will head to Atlantis this afternoon for weekly free play.  I played at our local casino yesterday and hit two Majors six minutes apart - left up a good amount and was down a huge amount before those two wins so it was a good day.  I remind myself our intention is to play a bit, do free play, get food and come home.  Not intending to do a marathon day of play - but I always tell J. 'the machines will decide'.  If I'm on a good streak, I will play!  

I applied for Social Security in April - the website says 'most applications take 2-4 weeks to be completed'.  This past Friday, I logged on twice and even tried to call (gave up after being on hold for many minutes).  And 'lo and behold on Saturday morning, the website said my application was approved so yay!!  Beginning in August, my deposit will arrive on the second Wednesday of the month.  I am super excited!!  And super blessed because that 'extra' income is now fun money!  Woot woot!  (It will also be available for other expenses as needed but it's mostly fun money which is glorious).  

Next big financial change will be making my final car payment in December!  Cha ching!  

That's it for now.  More soon.  We spent a wonderful afternoon with our new neighbors and I will share more about that visit in an upcoming post.

Air Supply

Amazed at my ability to sing an Air Supply song from 40 years ago (holy crap!) at the top of my lungs in my car easily recalling every lyric.....while minutes later back at home sitting at my desk, I have to sit and stare into space for a minute trying to remember what I was going to do next. 

Waning June

Hard to believe June is almost over!  It absolutely flew by in the blink of an eye!  Days just pass quickly filled with the daily stuff of living.  I think about that a lot lately - how we're all just living our lives.  Houses full of families and activities and the day-to-day stuff of life. 

Our neighbors T. & G. have the most active social lives of anyone I've ever known.  They are out and about more than not and I think about that a lot.  I suspect my reluctance to be super social and/or heading out for constant activities is having spent my early years schlepping from cabin to cabin pretty much anytime my mom wasn't working.  Sure, in my adult life of working and raising kids, those days were sharply idyllic memories of things I missed - most especially the time we spent on the beach at our cabin in Mexico.  My sister sent me a picture recently of our beach - now full of so many houses, the dunes are practically non-existent.  When we had our cabin, there were maybe 30 homes on the 18 miles stretch of white sand and beach - and now there are 100's.  It's changed a lot....and I still miss it.  But when you're a teen and school is out in late May and you are immediately heading to a beach for a month or more - leaving all your friends behind - it wasn't all that idyllic.  A two room (one room being a screened porch) full of lots of other people - always a zoo, really.  I'm an introvert - big time - and it was a constant struggle for me to be with so many people.  Way too people-y.  (As Facebook memes proclaim). 

I've always just loved being home.  Wherever home is - and at this stage in life, it's wherever J. is.  We can pass time together easily - sometimes silent with both of us piddling around doing our thing and sometimes full of chatter.  Home is where I most want to be and as I've embraced retirement and let go of all the stuff that used to fill my head when I was working, I truly barely ever want to leave.  

I wonder how many special memories we created for our kids - I know we did.  I have pictures of lots of stuff we did and we did make a lot of effort to get them out and about doing stuff.  Especially during the 'penthouse condo' years when being home meant our downstairs neighbor would be pissy about any and all noise.  Imagine - two little boys and a mean, surly neighbor who yelled expletives constantly with every foot step.  During that phase, we did pretty much do everything we could to get out of the house on weekends - and the Bay Area certainly had lots of places to explore.  

Moving to Tracy and a house was the best thing we ever did....by far.  Life changing and while the commute sucked and life felt really hectic during those long commute years, they were good years in a home.  Kudos to my hubby who had a super long commute for many years and never complained.  Giving our boys a home to grow up in like we had when we were growing up was a blessing we were grateful for - no matter how long the drive to/from work was. 

Of course, I venture out - y'all know what my hobby is these days and there's always jaunts to/from casinos.  But I'm always glad to have an excuse - or no excuse needed, really - to just hunker down at home.  Passing the time.  

Let's see - any news?  

B. finally got copies of the weight tickets from the truck driver that hauled his stuff from Tennessee to New Jersey - so he can finally submit the reimbursement request to the Army and get his finances back to normal.  He has enjoyed exploring his new 'home' and will report to work on 7/5 for the first time.  He's met his boss and some of his co-workers.  It's been really nice for him to have this time to settle in.  

J.'s phone received a call from a Houston suburb phone number - they left no message.  We both tried to call the number back - J. got a busy signal and I got a ring - but it rang a long time with no voicemail offered.  We never know....and so the heart-hurt and waiting starts anew.  H. has been on my mind and my heart so much the past week or so - I actually briefly shed tears in the Walmart parking lot earlier this week waiting for our grocery order pickup - a song on my phone reminded me of H. and the water works started before I even knew what was happening.  

Some days are hard.  I've said that before and it remains the truth. 

Double COVID

J.'s symptoms started on Wednesday - very mild stuffy nose.  Today, he's more congested but still head congestion only.  This is especially great because most colds go straight to his chest and stay there.  So far, COVID is staying in his head.  He did a COVID test on Friday night that was negative but tonight's was most definitely positive.  

We feel grateful for the science that provided vaccinations to keep our cases mild.  And I took Paxlovid which helped my symptoms abate very quickly. 

J. has golf Monday & Tuesday - tomorrow's is the Atlantis Tournament.  He said if he feels wiped out when he gets home tomorrow, he will cancel Tuesday.  He'll be sorry to miss both - Tuesday is golf with friends at his favorite course - but he'll take it easy.  

I still start each day counting the hours until I can crawl back into bed again.  Feel like napping daily but don't - would rather sleep better at night then sleep during the day.  

New neighbors continue to move in.  They have made multiple trips back to Morgan Hill (4.5 hours each way at least depending on traffic) to get stuff out of storage.  We're remembering those days too and patting ourselves on the back for getting storage here in Carson and making multiple trips from California to here with our stuff - so when we made the move from the rental to the house, it was easy to have the movers make two trips to storage to bring all of it here.  Our entire 3 car garage was completely full of 'stuff'  - but having it all here made us tackle it very quickly.  HOA requirements don't allow cars in the driveway for days on end - so it motivated us to get things sorted.  

Like us, our neighbors think most of the stuff in storage will be donated - we did the same.  So much stuff we just didn't want or need here.  

Our backyard is full of creatures.  SO MANY LIZARDS!  And tons of finches - finally starting to use the water trays we set up.  And the finches are landing on the cat mint plants and pecking away at the blossoms.  Think they are eating small bugs which is great!  Lots of bees back this year, too.  We've enjoyed being outside in the evenings - sometimes with the cats in their gazebo.  The other night, we saw tons of glide plans being towed - watched at least five head south.  We knew there was a glider airport not too far from us but it was the first time we've ever noticed the tow planes overhead.  

I did a Walmart shop finally - it's been two months since our last one.  I waffle back and forth on shopping there.  They have absolutely nailed the pickup order process - it's so easy.  Earlier this week, J. made a quick trip to SaveMart.  A box of cereal was $6.19 at SaveMart.  The exact same cereal - same brand, same size - is $3.48 at Walmart - everyday.  It's those kinds of price variances that make me keep shopping at Walmart.  If we had a Winco here in Carson, we'd shop there over anywhere else.  And we could trek to Winco in South Reno but...for now, we'll stick with Walmart and try to do better getting what we need more often to avoid stops at SaveMart.  

Our hair stylist said she heard a Winco was going to be moving into the shopping center where her salon is.  That would be absolutely incredible!  And most especially for the businesses in the nearly vacant shopping center that are struggling to stay open.  Fingers crossed she's right - we haven't heard anything about a possible Winco but we'll see.  It would be closer to our house than (even) Savemart is - and way closer than Walmart. 

Recovery Mode

Yesterday was day 7 post symptoms and I felt good enough to venture out of the house.  J. trekked with me to Reno for our weekly free play at Atlantis - I left there up $600!  We came home for a bit and then he quickly took me to the local Carson Casino for my free play there and came home up from there $150!  It was a good day of quick play.  I told J. I wanted to do both on the same day because then I would have three straight days of doing not much of anything - and I'm glad I did that because I don't feel all that energized today.  Coughing a bit more than yesterday.  I slept close to 10 hours last night, too, which is amazing.  Helped by overcast skies which kept the bright morning sun at bay for an extra hour this morning. 

Next free play day will be in Carson on Sunday and I'll be looking forward to it.  Then we wind down June with one more free play trip to Atlantis next Wednesday or Thursday and then July will be here and we'll start earning the tier points we need to stay at our current level.  Truly think there is zero chance we won't make the requirement but I always wonder.  Will likely do some Thursday visits more than Wednesdays since Thursday is a double tier point day every week.  

In a moment of desperation and madness last week, I ordered this:  

Yes, it is exactly what you think - a pet grooming set that includes a vacuum with brush and trim attachments.  I was skeptical.  I Googled 'pet grooming vacuum' and found it - read the reviews and decided it was worth a try.  It was also on sale for Father's Day (LOL - what every Dad wants, right?).  I bought it on the company website vs. Amazon and was worried it might be a scam.  But it arrived and I unboxed it.  

We have a video of me using it on Nala - I am shocked skittish sweet Nala is OK with it but SHE LOVES IT.  Got so much hair off of her - and she had no issue.  It's not very noisy.  Muf is so far not impressed.  I was able to do a few swipes on her with it but she seems skittish.  The total opposite reaction from each of them vs. what I expected.  

So far, though - it's worth the expense.  I think using it daily will get them familiar with the sound and I think it will really help.  Muf needs some fur trimmed in places if I can get her used to the sound of the clippers.  I'll keep working on easing her into it using the brush attachment only to start.  

We've purchased about 20 plants from the nursery we love in Reno and J. has been planting up a storm.  Still surprised that we find ourselves having to replace so many but also learning that perennials aren't forever - especially not in this climate.  The weird patterns we've had of some seriously late cold fronts (snow on Mother's Day!) seems to have left some plants permanently dormant.  The yard is starting to color-up which is always so beautiful and all the new additions in full bloom are really adding the wow factor.  My hubs is amazing - he is the energizer bunny of gardening.  

The porta potty outside the office window (on our neighbors property line) that has been there for two years during both of the neighbors builds is finally gone!  Woot woot!  There is still a final house on our street being worked on daily but that builder apparently isn't putting up a porta potty for his workers.  We'll see how long that lasts.  I'm just thrilled to look out my office window and not see it.  Though I can't complain about any issues - the company was vigilant about maintaining (emptying, cleaning) and even when winds blew it over onto it's side, nothing leaked out.  Modern engineering!  

Time to move my down comforter into the dryer and do another load of laundry.  I'm glad J.'s home - though he just left for a haircut and pedicure - he played golf two days in a row (Monday and Tuesday) and I miss him when he's gone.  It's nice having at home time piddling around the homestead.   

Positive for COVID

After an afternoon of coughing, I did some Googling and read that it's possible for the home tests to show a false negative when symptoms are just starting.  So I used the 2nd test in the box I opened and BOOM - the fastest positive line ever.  So....now we know.  

All things considered, it's going OK.  I emailed my doctor right away to ask for an inhaler and some cough syrup.  She emailed back early this morning saying she sent Rx's to Costco and also added the COVID version of Tamiflu called Paxlovid.  Hopefully that will help.  

J. is playing golf.  He researched requirements since he has most definitely been exposed to COVID and because he is symptom free and fully vaccinated, he was OK to play.  We will do a COVID test for him in a few days.  I hope he will skip the getting sick part. 

I'm really surprised to be vaccinated and double boosted and to still have gotten sick.  My reading leads me to think this might be the Omicron variant.  

No idea when I was exposed but likely it was in a casino.  Right?  I mean of course it was.