Pensively Pensive

I woke up just before 7AM today and considering it's Saturday, I felt that might be a tad early.  I gave it a few minutes of thought and decided to get up since going back to sleep would likely have me sleeping another hour, at least.  No reason I couldn't do that - but we're working on some house projects this weekend and it felt good to get an early start on the day.  

I jokingly think most mornings the Nevada power grid knows when I'm up for the day.  I shut off the ceiling fan, the tower fan and the room humidifier - they all run most of the night.  I grabbed my phone off the nightstand and saw I had a text.  It was from H. - calling from the phone I've ID'd in my phone as his friend's backup phone.  Something about a phone that runs via the Internet so it's not a 'real' phone - no understanding or idea why his friend needs a 'backup' phone.  But grateful he has it 'cuz H.'s phone isn't working so the backup phone is all he has.  

H. called on Tuesday after a few days of me reaching out to him via texts or leaving messages with no response.  He says his friend M.'s one year old daughter got his phone and locked it.  H. can't unlock it without logging in to iTunes on a computer - and he's waiting for a friend to help him do that.  None of that makes any sense either, since H. has a computer (at least we think he does).  I inquired and got a gobbly goop answer about internet connectivity at the house he's staying - may be true, or not.  Never sure.  

The text said 'Mom, I really need help.  Please let me know when you are up'.  I texted him back 'I'm up'.  No response.  So I called that number.  

He supposedly left his Chime debit card in his locker at work - while his wallet is supposedly with him. No explanation for how/why he left his Chime card in the locker of a business that is closed through Monday.  No access to funds until Tuesday morning.  He said it's OK 'cuz once he gets his phone unlocked, he can access Chime through his phone?  He can't use his phone to get cash out of a bank so that should be interesting.  

He needed money for gas to take a friend to the airport to pick up her brother.  Her car was in the shop and H. said he'd take her - I should have suggested she pay for the gas but I didn't.  

I told him 'we have no way of verifying anything you're saying.  No way to know if this is true or not'.  

I transferred $20 into his Wells checking account - and he withdrew it at the branch about an hour later.  

Every warning signal I have about him is firing on all cylinders today - he didn't sound 'right' and I'm pretty sure things are not as he wants us to believe.  

I hope he gets his phone repaired soon.   

In other news, I'm tackling a major reorganization of my bedroom closet - including going through all the clothes in my dresser, armoire and closet to give away things I don't wear.  After the six months we lived in the rental, when we finally moved into the house, the instinct was 'put stuff away'....and I put off going through things to identify what I knew I would never wear.  I'm working on continuing to let stuff go.  I bought two small 'closet dressers' to use to help stash bathroom stuff that my bathroom has zero room for.  But to make room for those dressers, I have to clean out a ton of clothes - so it's good motivation.  It's the typical project that leads to 'another thing' and then 'another thing'.  It snowballs into feeling overwhelming - but I'm just chunking it up (with J.'s help) and it will get done.  

We have similar issues and snowballing regarding housing books, DVDs, CDs, etc. - and we're going to tackle those things this weekend, too.  

I had a good week on slots - two Majors won on Dragonlink - one at the local Gold West Casino here in Carson and the second at Carson Valley Inn.  It's been a fun week.  

Thursday will have us spending the night at Atlantis to be ready at 4AM Friday morning to take the Atlantis provided transportation to the annual Balloon Races.  We're really excited about the event and hope to make it an annual event. 

We have labored a lot this Labor Day weekend - feels good to make huge progress on making my bedroom space more functional and organized. 

Behold the Power of the Internet

J. and I wandered out to the back yard a couple days ago - and there was poop on the concrete walkway right near my bedroom windows.  I pondered what critter could have left it.  J. casually mentioned he'd seen them before - most often on the walkway but also sometimes out by the Adirondack chairs in the corner of the yard.  

I Googled a description of the poop - and behold, there is a database of poop pictures!  My search had me thinking a hedgehog.  But no evidence we have those here in Nevada so....I still was unsure.  A little bit later, J. showed me a pic he found - spot on!  It's a toad!  S/he is living the good life somewhere in our backyard and on night patrol for bugs, relieves itself on the walk way.  We had poop again today as we've had every day for a week.  Can't complain about it, really - J. takes care of it right away.  I just wish we could see it!  J. thinks it's triggering the motion-sensitive floodlights on that corner of the house in the night and eats all the bugs revealed.  He even tested triggering the light last night when I was in my room 'cuz he was sure it would wake me up - but it is a very soft light and my shutters are pretty well shut tight nightly so if it is triggering the flood lights, I'm not noticing. 

We have an assortment of lizards including some baby sized specimens.  They clearly love hiding out on the rocks surrounding all the plants - 

Our yard is becoming just what we wanted it to be - a haven for all sorts of creatures.  

90,000 Mile Tune Up

This week, I've finished all the necessary annual health checks.  Finally saw an eye doctor and yesterday, J. and I trekked to Costco - a new pair of glasses and brand new sun glasses as well will arrive in about two weeks.  I'm good to go on health stuff for another year and that feels great!  The timing of things got bumped back with COVID making it hard to get health visits set up - and mostly, I just had some very low inertia.  But all are done and I'm super happy about that!!  I feel relieved to be considered reasonably healthy - like when you get your car detailed or serviced.  LOL. 

We are experiencing super bad air quality - more smoke from the wild fires has hit the valley - we can't even see the hills just south of us - things are really socked in today and into tomorrow.  The wild fires have been horrible and scary.  

Days sort of blend into each other - J. has been a gracious 'wing man' on treks to the casino - we're playing somewhat low and slow these days, easing into another 'reporting period' for our casino benefits.  I went up a level (again) at our local casino and am excited about that - can now cash in comps for free play and they are giving me $100 in gift cards as a perk.  I'm going to get Target gift cards and enjoy going there to explore house stuff.  Haven't shopped there much so it will be a treat. 

I had my first ocular migraine last week - mentioned it to the eye doctor who wasn't concerned.  It last around 20 minutes, took the form of a very 'jagged' line in my right peripheral vision, didn't hurt at all and once I Googled what was happening and read that it most likely would pass within a half hour, I wasn't worried.  It was just odd.  Maybe eye fatigue.  

J.'s brother visited us earlier this week - spent one night.  He and J. played golf at Toiyabe - tried to play here at Silver Oak but it was fully booked with a tournament.  After they played, B. made the six hour drive back home so he'd have yesterday as an 'at home day' - he started back to school today - he is the athletic director for a school in Delano.  

My former district also started back again today - so I've been thinking about their schedule today - Welcome Back breakfast which is the traditional kick off for the year - I miss my friends so much.  

This morning, I headed to the local casino for free play - and as I backed out of the garage and waited for the garage door to close, the most beautiful, huge BLUE dragon fly hovered right next to my window.  Waited there - and as I stared at her, I said 'Hi, Mom'.  She took a small 'dip' then headed off for her day.  It was such a lovely way to start the day.  

Can't Miss July

I just updated a couple draft posts and got those up - finally.  I'm an annoying retired person - the days just blend one after the other and having a post in draft stage that I had decided to add some pics to just extends the time it takes for me to 'make it so'.  There's no reason for this.  Days just fly by filled with whatever it is we're doing and it's already August in a couple days!  Yikes!  

Yesterday, we got a call from an NCL (Norwegian Cruise Lines) rep telling us we had a special offer from the 'Casino at Sea' side of the business - a totally free Ocean View cruise.  Great news!  Except today was the deadline for a huge amount of freebies and two for one airfare - so we had to really move fast to decide where to go.  We decided to do a Caribbean cruise and add some time before and after the cruise so we can visit Disneyworld!  November, 2022!  We also have a Mexican Riviera booked for October, 2021, and an Alaska Cruise booked for June, 2022.  A very full travel itinerary.  

Have to mention that we've been contacted previously by two other NCL reps - one who mentioned she 'saw something on our account' but never followed up with us to confirm what the offer was.  The call we received yesterday was the first time we've known we had a free cruise offered directly from the Casino Cruise department of NCL.  Most of our cruise offers are via various casinos we play at.  We just received another offer from a Reno casino we play at once in a while for another NCL cruise!  Woot woot!  

Today, Nevada reinstated mask requirements for any public place.  COVID infections are spiking everywhere and the Delta variant is also on the increase.  Some reports of fully vaccinated people dying from the Delta variant which is scary.  Gave me huge pause as we booked another travel event but it's 15 months out so....we'll see.  If we feel uncomfortable about our October cruise, we will cancel it.  

I'm just so much a homebody these days.  Ask me where I most want to be and it's home.  We're booking cruises because we have pre-paid certificates to use up - but honestly, traveling doesn't interest me much these days.  I'm trying to snap out of it because J. so loves to travel.  

B. visited us from July 1st through the 7th.  His passport update didn't happen quickly enough for him to travel to Croatia - so he substituted a trip to visit the parentals.  We had a wonderful time doing not much of anything special.  His friend R. made the trip from Tracy to spend time with him - they enjoyed a night at Atlantis and spent time catching up.  It was great to see him!

H. started a new job as a sheet metal cutter.  It's full time with benefits (after 90 days) and pays more than the maintenance company.  He seems to be enjoying it - but our contact with him is on the ebb and that's OK.  I'm trying super hard to not hover and mother him to death.  Some of the stuff that's happened lately has me scratching my head in wonderment but....I just have to assume what he says is true even when there is plenty of history to give pause things might not be as he says.  He does sound good - much better.  More confident and 'lighter' in his demeanor which is great.  We do hope he will visit before year end but...we have to wait and see.  His job comes first - he has to support himself.  

J. and I watch TV every evening - we binge watch a series at a time.  Last night, we finished Season 3 of "Startup" and can't wait for Season 4.  

Days just fly by - 

 

Houdini Cat

The last of the cosmetic repairs to the house happened this morning.  A small piece of laminate flooring came up a while back - I think I tossed it because at the time, we didn't realize it was originally along the base of the cabinets in the kitchen.  We notified the builder and they arranged to have the flooring installers fix the issue.  They were very booked so we've been waiting a while.  In the time it took to arrange the fix, two more small pieces went missing.  

The only culprit in the house who is sneaky and OCD enough to work so hard at getting those small pieces out is Nala.  She is relentless.  I am positive those small pieces are hidden somewhere in the house - someday, we'll find them. 

A Birthday to Remember

Two nights at Atlantis for me - Thursday alone and Friday joined by J. .  Our casino host arranged to take a group of Atlantis guests to the show "Viva LaCirque" at the Grand Sierra Resort.  Technically, the two resorts are neighbors and we've never been invited to a show at a different property before - but in a true post-pandemic season of cooperation and getting people to feel comfortable going out and doing things, it was nice to have one casino invite another casino to bring guests to a show.  

The show was really great - a very small troupe of performers and the show was about an hour long - interesting acts and good energy.  J. and I had received an offer from GSR to attend but we decided not to spend money on a show at this point - but when our host offered us the chance to go with Atlantis picking up the tickets, we said 'yes'!  Atlantis providing a to/from shuttle was the icing on the cake!  

I had a blast on Thursday playing.  Hit two Major jackpots on Dragonlink on Thursday including one at 10:36PM that ended up being a hand pay (> $1200).  The Major had been topped out at $1,000 for a few days (which I knew because I played next to the machine most of Thursday and a guy was on the topped out Major machine and said he'd been trying for 3 days to hit it.  (Detail: he was betting 50 cents a pull.  No matter what....he stuck with that bet.  He did throw in some $1.25 wagers now and then but it was 50 cents spin after spin.  I know any random spin can trigger any bonus, jackpot, etc. - and I have seen people win a Major jackpot on Dragonlink more than once on a 50 cent bet - but only at our small, local casino here in Carson.  Never, ever at Atlantis)).  After the machine next to his paid me out pretty big - including hitting a Major on my machine which helped me recover some of what I'd lost - I moved on to other machines.  Later, ran in to him again on the Dragonlink machines downstairs - he said the topped out Major upstairs hadn't hit.  So...late evening on Thursday, I headed up there and decided to try a strategy I'd learned from a guy a while back.  He said 'anytime there's a topped out Major, bet $10'.  

Now that's a big bet for me.  REALLY BIG.  I'm not a 50 cent spin after spin fan - but my typical bet is $3 or less.  Most often less.  But I'd had a good day....had a ticket to put in for $219 and just to 'stake my claim and show I was serious' (like the machine knows...LOL), I added another $100.  So $319 in, switched to 2 cent denomination, took a deep breath and told myself '31 spins.  You WILL give it 31 spins at $10 a spin and we'll see what happens'.  Resisting the urge to not spin, I pushed the button. 

VERY FIRST SPIN - THIS HAPPENED!  

 

Totally AMAZING!   The final win was $1,340 - second hand pay I'd had on that bank of machines in a week. 

I had another Major Dragonlink win on Friday - but did lose that day.  (It was a 5x comp day.  Slots almost always pay out less on days when the casino is giving you more comps for your play). 

After a decent night's sleep, we enjoyed a brunch at the buffet and were so excited to have it be back to a normal buffet!  Get your own plate and serve yourself what you want!  It was awesome!!   

I had checked the Atlantis website on Thursday before heading to Reno - the June monthly free play offer was posted ($150 a week one time - same as it's been for us for a while) but there were no 'extra' free play events in June.  Felt disappointed about that but also thought 'well, June 4th was the anniversary of the re-opening so it's been a year and I guess they don't need to/want to entice us with free play'.  But I logged in to our player's account this morning before we headed to breakfast and there WAS extra free play today and next Saturday!  SCORE!  

With J.'s OK, I cashed in some comps for free play and combined with the extra free play today, I turned a good amount of free play into the same amount in cash - pretty amazing.  Helped by this amazing 'full screen' of the highest paying symbol - $375 on one spin!!  Woot woot.  

(FYI - last week, I had the same thing happen on the same machine - full screen with a HUGE bet...resulted in a $3,390 hand pay!  WOOT WOOT!).  

 It was a lovely birthday and being sixty one feels great!   

So Often Hard to Remember

This post was written in early May, 2021.  My emotions were too raw at the time to post but re-reading it today, it feels OK to go ahead and push 'publish'.  

Loving someone with addiction and mental health issues is incredibly hard.  Answers aren't easy.  Action plans aren't either.  Loving someone with a love that's bigger than the cosmos doesn't solve the day to day stuff that happens.  

When I share 'stuff', I'm mindful that it's H.'s challenges I'm broadcasting into the cosmos...but I'm a family member of someone with these issues and I can say that if I don't write about them, if I'm not honest about all the feelings that happen, it just makes me feel even worse.

Thank you for reading.  

It's so easy to think the worst of someone or something, you know?  So many times in recent weeks, my feelings escalate to being completely pissed off about a situation or a person.  Launching immediately  into assuming the absolute worst in any situation never helps.  It sends me down a rabbit hole of emotions that are really hard to crawl back out of.  

Having a family member with some mental health issues happening - fighting against a current they can't scramble out of fast enough - feeling broken, lost, exhausted, sad.  Those words also describe me on a fairly regular basis, too, because it's hard to know what to do, really.  Trying to remind them to pick one thing - no matter how small - and see it through.  Sometimes just taking that first step will lighten the load and help the person see that even in the darkest, hardest times when your psyche is trying to crush you, you are still capable of so much.  You just have to drag yourself there sometimes to see that.  

H. has a lot of positive things happening around him- finally qualifying for some state programs to help with living expenses; medical care.  All those things will help tremendously in ensuring he can get medication if needed; have assistance with food and lodging expenses.   He's working regularly but the job isn't 40 hours a week guaranteed so in weeks when the work is light, the struggle to survive is overwhelming.  

We encourage him to go to the unemployment office and look at job posting boards.  He says he's applying everywhere - he does get text and email messages about jobs - but I get lots of those, too, since I retired and a lot of times, you click on the job and it says 'this job has expired - check out this job instead'....and the 'this job instead' is doing pizza delivery or something.  (No, I'm not looking for a job).  

H. hasn't figured out (yet, still) that the lapses that end up with him using drugs again keep rebenching and restarting over trust that has been dramatically destroyed over and over again.  Do I think his mental health issues are an excuse to use heroin?  Absolutely not.  But I think his mental health issues overshadow virtually every part of his life and without addressing those root causes (anxiety, depression), it will always be like climbing Mt. Everest to keep him from using a chemical to feel better.  Or to feel anything, maybe.  

He's not in a good living situation - and he is the first to admit his current situation is entirely his fault.  Had to move from where he was due to his drug use and is now living in a house with 8 other people, including 3 kids under the age of 3.  On the phone earlier this evening, he shared how he never has any down time.  Never has time to rest, regroup - people and kids in and out of his room constantly.  It really hit me how hard that is for him - because he's wired so much like me.  I need alone time.  I crave it.  If I didn't have the ability to create alone time for myself daily, I couldn't survive, really.  I can't imagine how it would feel to just have days stretch into work and going 'home' - only 'home' isn't where you want to be and you aren't able to do the self-care you need because 8 other people and all the stuff that goes with having young kids around isn't really conducive to finding some 'time for myself quiet time'.  

H. had committed to doing something for me last Friday - it's Monday evening and he hasn't done it.  Gave me scenario after scenario - driving here so will do it then.  Had to do something else but don't worry, I'll do it when I do [insert something else].  Over and over.  Today, realizing it still wasn't done, I gave him an earful.  He says 'I'm not jerking you around - I intended to do it but couldn't because [insert whatever].  I told him 'if you tell me five different times that your plan to take care of it is [insert whatever] and you repeatedly still don't do it, that IS jerking me around, H..  There's absolutely no way in a 24 hour day times four that you couldn't arrange to wedge in 20 minutes to do it.  It's just about priorities.  You don't make doing things you've promised you will do a priority - so yes, that's you jerking us around.  It's disrespectful and rude, takes advantage of us repeatedly.  

He was emotional.  And in that moment, I realize that he is struggling a lot more than he wants us/me to know.  He always calls to say how things are going and makes everything sound fine - only he's not fine.  Sometimes he says that 'I'm not in a good place'.  But I don't really equate it to what he's trying to say - he's going through a period of getting out of bed and getting through a day of work is just about all he can do.  When he explains about how there are little kids popping into his room; 8 people and all the noise that goes with that - he isn't getting anytime to focus on his mental health and some quiet time.  

I called him back a couple times - talking through some steps to take.  He can put a lock on the bedroom door - that will prevent the little people in the house from coming into H.'s room.  He's going to talk to the homeowner to confirm it would be OK to put a 'flip lock' on - way less expensive than a doorknob.  He finally made it to DMV and got a Texas ID card so now he'll be able to apply for State aide programs including Medicaid.  Food stamps will help with his food budget and he will also get rent subsidies.  He knew all these things were available but didn't have an ID card and because of COVID, had a very hard time getting an appointment at DMV to get the card.  

He also found out that he would have qualified for unemployment when the gas station job ended - and he can apply for that and be paid unemployment for that time period.  Those funds coming in will help him build a cushion in savings - 

I tried hard to remind him of the things he can do and things that will help - tax refund arriving soon, too.  He started sounding better....and I ratcheted back my pissiness as fast as I could.  I never intend to be hard on him - truly, I don't - but so many times the situations and issues just feel never ending and overwhelming for me, too.  

I think he desperately wants to 'come home'.  Home being here with us in a house he's never seen.  But I can't do that.  We won't do that.  It's a free country and he can certainly live anywhere he wants - when he's got the funds needed to get here and have somewhere to live that doesn't involve us supporting him.  Moving to Texas was his fresh start that he said he desperately needed.  We gave him that - including quite a bit of financial support (all in the form of 'loans' with the associated expectation of repayment at some point) - and it sure hasn't gone well.  While we'll probably never know for sure the true, real timeline, he started using drugs again while in Texas thus making the 'fresh start' no start at all.