Awaiting Results

Spending the early evening watching the election returns....feeling like I'm barely breathing as I watch the blue vs. red results. 

I haven't commented much in the two years since the guy being called the President of our country was elected - really, I can't even bring myself to call him Mr. President.  Never.  If I were forced to meet him, I would call him Mr. Trump - and I'd be shamed for the lack of respect I was showing our country's highest office. 

I'm not sure if the fact that an appalling man is in that office is the worst?  Or is it that people in America do actually seem to think he is worthy of the office.

Clearly, our country is greatly divided.  It's hard to see what we've become.

Son #1 has gone 'dark'.  He's been off Facebook for a couple days - and I'm not talking about his green light being 'off' and the 'clock' of the last time he was on timing out.  He has suspended his Facebook profile - he no longer exists in Facebook.  His phone goes straight to voicemail.  Texts, Facebook messages, emails and phone calls are being unreturned.  He messaged me on Facebook Friday morning and I messaged back - and then he went off Facebook. 

I have had some moments when I'm incredibly worried about him.  I've had him on my mind and heart so much the past couple weeks - a post on that at some point - it's like God is telling me to be tuned in to him?  So I'm worried.  But I remind myself he's in the Army.  If he fails to show up every morning and isn't out sick, they go look for him.  If he calls in sick for multiple days, they go check on him.  He must be OK because it's Tuesday and we haven't received any call that he's not OK. 

Trying to remember if he told us he was 'going dark' for some maneuvers or something?  Not sure.  Don't think so - if that had been the case, I think his Friday morning message would have been a reminder that 'hey, I'm going offline for a bit'. 

Hope we hear from him soon.

Son #2....well, it's hard.  Reasonably sure that he's been misrepresenting his activities when he tells us on the Sundays he's visiting 'I'm going to K's house'.  He's not going there.  We don't know where he's going.  I've spent the past couple weeks with my mom radar on high alert and telling him repeatedly 'it's none of our business who you spend time with - but lying about what you are doing has long been an issue and will always be an issue'.  He says he's not lying.  But...I think he has.  That's a violation of a lot of the '12 steps' and is a red flag to me that his behavior isn't matching his plan to be straight with people.  And most importantly to BE AND STAY STRAIGHT with himself.  I worry.  He's off lately.  Not as sure of himself as he was.  Not as happy and bright and shiny about his sobriety as he was.  I know - it's a hard road and so bumps happen.  But...I know my son.  And his bumps aren't really bumps.  They are full on sink holes that suck him and all the people around him down....

I can't go there again. If I'm right and he's been lying, then for me, I will tell him calmly and clearly 'you are sabotaging your relationship with me and that makes me feel sad.  But I am true to myself, H. - in all things I do, I live true to ME - and I can't keep allowing you to disrespect me by lying to me.  You don't appear to want a relationship with me though you say you do - and your actions continue to confirm that'. 

It's a hard conversation to have with your adult son but it's what needs to happen.  And then the next hardest (actually even harder) step - getting J. on board with a very clear pulling back from H. .  He won't visit here anymore - because we won't allow him to be here when he is lying about what he's doing when he says he's going out for a bit.  He will miss having a little privacy now and then.  Sharing a house with 6 other people doesn't provide any quiet time or 'me' time.  He will miss having a place to do laundry, make a meal, visit with family and help out a bit now and then, which his aging parents greatly appreciate.  None of those things will happen anymore under this roof.  And J. will trek to Modesto to see him once in a while - I will too, most likely - but weekly contact will cease. 

And if I'm right, I will personally call his first counselor W. (who H. says 'saved my life') and tell him 'W., he's lying.  He denies he's lying but he is lying.  And we can't continue to invite him over here under those circumstances'. 

I told Cabinet that I'm retiring at the end of this school year - there were sad faces around the table which was touching.  We are a great team and it's hard to leave these folks - but...I am.  Insert a gazillion smiley face emojis. 

This time next week, our Board will be told and then it will be announced to the general public on the following Wednesday.  It's a lot of carefully coordinated steps.  It's hard.  And happy at the same time.

We emailed the realtor to remind her that we'd conferenced with the builder two weeks ago and are still waiting to see the revised floor plan.  We feel very out in limbo and often feel somewhat irritated about the process - but we remind ourselves it's 38 homes, all semi-custom and definitely a lot of moving parts.  In our email, we shared some of the dates and events - to remind that I've announced my retirement and in the event our house isn't ready by sometime in July, I will have resigned my job too early and lost the opportunity to earn a couple more months of compensation and have healthcare.

Then I remind myself 'who gives a crap? '  We can afford for me to not work.  Period.  End of story. So it doesn't matter.  And it might be pretty great to have a couple weeks of getting in some sleep. 

I'm wiped out and have felt that way for a long, long time. 

Quick Trip Up and Back

Atlantis enticed me with some free play - so I headed up there on Saturday morning for one night.  Wouldn't you know that one night was the ONLY night in a two month window that was sold out - so I (oh, the horror) actually had to pay for a room.  Still got a rock bottom rate and it was worth it.

I checked in and proceeded up to my room - only to open the door and find people in the room!  Yikes.  They said they had been switched around and they were waiting for 'someone to bring them the keys'.  I headed back to check in and went down the elevator with a bellman who said he was on his way to pick up the keys for that room.  (I explained to him what happened when he asked 'how's your day going').

The person at check in upgraded me to the concierge level which was nice.  I could have gone up there for happy hour and/or breakfast this morning but I didn't - still - nice upgrade.  Really nice room; bigger and more amenities.

I had a great time - played with wild abandon yesterday and was down $50 at the end of the night.

I did lose more this morning but I was betting pretty aggressively since I knew I didn't have a lot of time to play.

It was a great trip and I came home with fun money - so that's a good trip in my book.

I didn't have time to drive down to Carson City - we will likely go up there sometime in November to (hopefully) give them the down payment on the lot so they can officially break ground on our house.  We haven't seen the new 'revised' floor plan yet and are chomping at the bit to have all this stuff finalized.

H. is here today - J. picked him up this morning.  He's got a pretty amazing tattoo on his upper arm and the story behind it is a good one.  I really don't mind anymore - as long as what you are permanently inking on your body has some meaning to you, then do what you choose.  It's going to be a full upper arm tattoo when it's completed - still a work in progress.  Happy for him that he has some discretionary income he can use for stuff like this - I did remind him 'hey, you still owe us' and he is paying off the rest of the loan today.

He has been offered a different role in the company he's working for - which is awesome!  Full time WITH the company vs. contracted through an agency.  Fingers crossed it all works out.  He'll have insurance and be making more money - he really wants to get his own apartment as soon as he can.  I keep throttling him back a bit - reminding him how $600 a month is pretty great and is allowing him the 'extra' discretionary income he has.  An apartment negates any discretionary funds - it's all going to go for surviving.

The house they live in had a new resident this past couple weeks - a schizophrenic gentleman who was fine 'as long as he's on his meds'.  J. and I sort of scratched our heads and wondered about the arrangement - this person hadn't been through any New Hope recovery at all - but were placed at the SLE (Sober Living Environment) home.  H. was mildly concerned -

Today, H. told us that the guy disappeared for two full days and a night - didn't tell anyone where he was.  (The home has very specific rules about leaving and returning - it's all documented so everyone knows where people are and when they'll be returning).  The house residents called New Hope and were told to pack up all his stuff and put it in the garage.

The guy showed up and was upset to find out that he'd been booted from the house.  H. said he said 'you mean I'm being kicked out because I've relapsed'?  Um.  YES!  That is what happens to people who use again when they are trying to be and stay sober.

H. explained that it's a community/county program that placed the guy at the SLE - and that New Hope has decided to no longer accept those cases because they've never had one that worked out, ever.  The guy showed up with his bicycle and two shopping carts to pick up his stuff.

Homeless. And totally not understanding the key components of sobriety:  you do not start using again.  If you do, you are NOT sober.  And you can't pretend to be sober when you're not. 

I'm super relieved that NH won't accept those placements anymore - it seems to high of a risk to potentially have newly sober people reside with not sober people pretending to be sober. 

Truth be told, I'm finding it incredibly hard these days to be engaged at work.  I'm still there, still transacting, still whittling away at the never ending list of stuff I'm responsible for.  I'm far from a dead beat - never have been, never will be.  But....I sure can't wait until I don't have to show up there daily.  I'm burned out and ready to move on.  Big time ready. 

We're already through 1/3 of this school year and if the next 8 months go by as quickly, it will be a blink of the eye before I'm done.  We have a massive amount of stuff to take care of before then and we will do it all - one step at a time.  J. makes steady progress and while this weekend, I didn't participate, the garage is still looking better everyday.  Step by step. 

Floor Plan

Can't believe it's been over two weeks since my last post - time is flying by.  Good thing, right? 

This week, we received the preliminary floor plan of our new house - and we like it.  But we don't love it.  The draft gave us everything we asked for and is very similar to the floor plan we sent them - so they did just what we asked.  But the footprint of the house as currently drawn doesn't fit the shape of the lot all that well - and there are a couple odd things about it that we truly don't like.  Our 'hobby room' is only accessible via the garage and has no windows.  There's no linen closet.  There's no windows on the kitchen/dining room side which is where most of our backyard will be.  And that:  the backyard is primarily to the left of the house vs. in the back of the house.  Hopefully S. (builder) can help figure out solutions for those things. 

We sent a 1.5 page list of 'likes and dislikes' off to the team today and will await a time to set a call with the builder - his one comment (so far) was that he thinks the design needs to be wider and shallower to fit the lot.  So we'll see what he suggests when we chat with him. 

I've been back and forth a million times about the timing of when to leave.  I told my boss it would be the end of the school year (June 30th), then panicked about qualifying for the loan on the new house.  Running 'what if' scenarios constantly - realizing that without my income, we'd have to prove retirement income and that's not impossible to do but wouldn't that be way more complex?  A call to the mortgage team reassured us - IF I leave my job at the end of June, we will need to have in place the monthly 'draw' against our savings in place for three months before we qualify - along with confirmations of pension income from CalPERS.  All of which should be do-able.  Still, even just writing this has me fretting - we can do the draw for the savings for three months in advance no problem.  But if they want three months of my pension, too?  We won't have that. 

I'm sure it will all work out.  I'm sure it will.  J. texted me earlier this week 'your 'mom' just flew into the garage, hovered inches from my face and said 'everything will be alright'.  It was a hummingbird.  She always comes to us as either a hummingbird or a dragon fly.  She made miracles happen for our move from Hayward to Tracy so it's quite possible she will do the same this time around, too. 

I am planning to tell our Board my retirement plans at our November meeting - which will make it very real. 

Last week, I spent a day in architect interviews - and at lunch, my boss came to check in with me.  I confessed that I was finding myself more choked up than anything else - and I wasn't expecting those emotions.  To feel so invested in how the new schools turn out and to not be able to be a part of the process?  It's hard.  Makes me sad.  But oh well.  I can visit and I know they will be beautiful.

We had an H. free weekend last weekend - he was at a baby shower on Saturday and helping a friend move on Sunday - we will see him this Sunday which will be nice. 

J. is taking a ton of shred to the free shred event our city is holding tomorrow.  Super glad the timing worked out - he's been shredding a bit each week and putting the plastic bag full of the shredded paper in the recycle bin but at the rate he was going, we would be shredding for months.  We've cleaned out so much stuff!!

We hired a new gardener and so far, he's really doing a great job.  Best we've ever had.  He gets all the debris out from EVERYWHERE - not just the patio - but from around the pool equipment, behind the pool boxes (that hold towels, etc.), both side yards.  Looks so nice to have all that debris gone every week.  He's also trimming our trees a little at a time - shaping them better.  He seems to really know what he's doing and we are pretty impressed. 

The massive list of projects and things to do continues to grow but we make slow and steady progress.  We think the next 'required' trip to Carson City will be in February for a week of design decisions - though we may trek up there with the check for the 50% lot deposit when the builder is ready to pull the permit and start moving dirt. 

Super excited!

Carson City, Here We Come!

No update on the timing of the house - we wish we had more information.  I just have to remind myself there were 30ish homes ahead of us and now that the development is really getting off the ground, I'm sure it will be some time before it's our turn.  Boy, is it hard to wait! 

Today, we trekked in to San Francisco to meet with our finance guy.....and today is THE DAY when I am absolutely positive I am retiring at the end of this school year.  Zero reason not to - honestly, it seems like I could have stopped working a long time ago.  But that's OK.  Put us in an (even) better position and now?  Really.  I have zero reason to work.  Zip. 

It's liberating.  And scary as hell.  Our finance guy was incredibly reassuring - he is the epitome of calm and cool and since he spends all of his time studying the markets and has a pretty good read on things, we feel very confident.  He was very reassuring and is going to be arranging a once a month deposit that will replace most of my salary....which is pretty great since I also have a decent pension.

We are so, so blessed.  And I give J. most of the credit - his 37+ years at Wells Fargo really sealed our future in the best way possible. 

When J. and I were 'early married' - still with kid(s) 'cuz B. came into our world 10 months after we got married - we would go to San Francisco once in a while and always ALWAYS make a trip to the champagne bar at Nordstrom.  I loved Bellini Peche which was ridiculously expensive at Nordstrom but we always splurged and bought it.  (I later found it at BevMo for a gazillion times left but still - I wouldn't trade those memories for anything).  We thought about heading there today after our meeting was over?  But luckily, we headed home - Chloe is at the vet getting a glucose curve and they close at 5.  We got home at 4:15 and that was with no Nordstrom stop. 

So I've opened up my next favorite alcohol treat - an ice cold Blue Moon. 

I took today off to go to the city so it's back to work tomorrow - wishing I could always have Wednesdays off.  I'm sure my boss would agree if I proposed a modified schedule?  But there are lots of other people who would love to work 4 ten hour days to have a day off each week - so it won't happen.  We tried it one summer and it was a convincing exercise in how hard it is to stay motivated for ten full hours a day. 

I'm running some retirement scenarios on the PERS website and also fine tuning our monthly budget.  Heating leftover ravioli lasagna (a Costco ready made meal) and enjoying the realization that in nine months (that will undoubtedly fly by), I am giving up alarm clocks and the stress of a job.

Road Trip with My Love

After some rescheduling, the lady finally picked up the albums last night - $35 more for items we were sure would end up being disposed of via a trip to the dump.  She works with autistic people and music is something she uses in her work - she was absolutely thrilled with the treasure trove.  When we mentioned that not only were the albums ours, there were also some from our parents, she was super thrilled.  A very eclectic mix of genres and artists across decades. 

Another thing out of the house that we won't move to Nevada!  BOOM!

J. celebrated his 69th birthday yesterday - we were remembering when we were dating and just engaged talking about 'when we're in our 60's and 70's' - and here we are, approaching those numbers at lightening speed. 

I'm listening to "Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman soundtrack as I get ready to head upstairs and pack for our trip to Reno/Carson City.  We're very likely driving home on Saturday vs. Sunday - gives me a day at home this weekend and we can spend time with H. on Sunday. 

We debated not going at all - no real reason to go since there's no prelim sketch of a floor plan yet...but we are excited to start exploring our new city - we put so much exploration effort into Reno (thinking for years that's where we would land in retirement) - now we need to do the same for Carson City.  J. will play golf tomorrow morning and I'll enjoy a 5x point day on the slots.  We'll do some exploring in the afternoon and have a nice dinner.  Then hit the road Saturday morning - maybe go home the back way again - prettier drive. 

There have been some hard things happening on the work front and I confessed to a co-worker yesterday that while I am steadfastly keeping the short timer attitude at bay most of the time, yesterday was a day I was glad to say 'y'all will have to work on this for years to come - and I'm out so I honestly don't care.  Do whatever you think is best for now and I'll keep positive thoughts and intentions in the cosmos about it all as I segue out'.  I confess - it felt great!  In the thick of something hugely problematic - and realizing 'guess what?  You truly don't have to fret about it.  It's not going to be something that will affect you - so don't go there.  Move on'.  I washed my hands of it in that moment - another BOOM!

BOOM! is becoming my new favorite exclamation!

Off to get moving - heading out by 8AM - meeting with the mortgage company at 1PM - just for a 'meet and greet'. 

I still feel like I have to pinch myself sometimes - this is truly, really all happening! 

Albums

J. surprised me last night by stating that he went downtown to the shop that buys albums - he said 'I didn't get what I expected'.  Since selling to Rasputin is the only experience we've had so far and they pay pennies for albums, I wasn't expecting much.  But he pulled $60 (!!) out of his wallet.  The owner of the shop is the same age as J. and has very specific artists he is interested in buying -

We offered the rest of the albums (minus a few more that J. held back to see if the guy downtown wants them) to someone on Facebook and they are picking them up tomorrow morning at 10AM.  I'm taking a walk down memory lane going through them and remembering songs that I haven't thought about since the 80's.

Jane Oliver and Tarney Spencer Band to name a couple.  The lady was supposed to pick up today at 10AM but had a change of plans and I'm sort of glad 'cuz now I have time to go through them a bit more and then go immediately to iTunes or You Tube to find the song and refresh my memory.

My 40th high school reunion is next weekend and friends have been reaching out to say 'you're on the missing list'.  I said 'yes, but you are chatting with me so clearly, I'm not missing'.  [Insert Smiley face emoji].  I explained that we are actually going to be in Carson City that weekend so no, I won't be there.  (I was very glad to have that trip as a 'reason' I wasn't planning to attend.  Truth be told, I wouldn't have attended anyway.  Wild horses couldn't drag me there.  It was a big graduating class and it turns out, I don't know a lot of the people and the ones I do know, I'm just not interested in connecting with.  One of very few exceptions is my friend D. who didn't even attend our high school - she transferred to a private religious school - she and her husband D. offered J. and I a room - I thanked her profusely and sent regrets. 

Work week went by super quickly and as of end of day yesterday, I have 180 work days left - if I retire at the end of June.  That's net of holidays and the 14 days I'm off for our cruise in March.  Time will fly by. 

Big news:  H. got a job!!  Working on the production line of a sunglass company - his sponsor has worked there for 14+ years and he suggested H. apply.  They commute together and H. has a couple of other people who work there he can catch a ride with.  I'm also going to suggest that H. look into taking a bus from Modesto to the Ace Train station and then Ubering to work from the Livermore ACE station - just as a(nother) backup.  J. is also a backup but we really don't want H. to rely on J. for that 'cuz we are moving and H. needs to be adulting.

J. is getting ready to go get H. who will hang out here today and help with more projects.  J. is going to Alameda tonight for a party at a former co-worker's house.  I'll enjoy a quiet evening at home. 

My new assistant starts on Monday and I spent all week attempting to get caught up, write procedures, make lists of things she can do - especially because I'm off this coming Th & Fr - can't wait to having help again.  I'm going to make vanilla scones to have as treats on Monday -

Busy weekend ahead.  Continues to feel awesome to have stuff leaving the house little by little. 

Pretty Much a Sunday Repeat

Read last week's post - more of the same today.  The garage is looking good! 

I trekked to Hayward yesterday to see my counselor.  She gives great advice and knows me very well.  I'm having a lot of trouble sleeping - I do 3 hour stretches and wake up super hard every morning - get into a great sleep in that 3rd round and then it's time to get up.  I feel so groggy and struggle to navigate the simple task of getting clothes ready, exiting the bedroom, heading downstairs.  The cats (one in particular - Muf) have taken to sitting on the full length of a stair ahead of me all.the.way.down.  It's a miracle I haven't fallen and broken something.  I'm barely awake.

She reminded me that there has been a ton of 'stuff' lately - a lot of changes in the works.  I shared that while I'm excited about the thought of never working again, I also feel a bit intimidated by it.  I used that morning's routine as an example.  If I hadn't needed to be somewhere at a certain time, I might have been (very) tempted to take care of the dog and then go back up to bed and sleep until noon.  I sort of fear I will do just that when I retire?  And maybe that would be to catch up on sleep for a few days - but I really worry that I'll feel depressed more than energized about the 'nowhere to go and nothing that has to be done' part of it. 

She suggested that maybe I will decide to find something to keep me busy. A light part-time job to get me out and about a few days a week.  I also have been worried about the move - making the big move.  Fully anticipating that we will live in the lovely house we are building for years - together.  But then sometimes the 'what if....' scenarios run through my brain.  Me, in a house alone because my best beloved is 11 years older so....what if.  Alone in a huge house having few friends in a new city.  Or still somewhat new city. 

Who knows, right?  I could be the one leaving this earth first.  Tomorrow is never promised and I know the answer is 'so you just have to live one day at a time and take each day - that's it.  No fretting about things you have no control over nor knowledge of.  Let it go....'.   Easier said than done, says the part(s) of my psyche that keep me awake at night. 

I told the district leadership team that it's likely my last year plus 3 months - I just had to (finally) put it out there that the thoughts we had about owning two homes for awhile are quickly being replaced with 'why would we want to do that'.  It felt good.  And terrifying.  'Cuz this is all real.  It is happening. 

When I get fretful, I run the numbers again and confirm it is all still do-able.  I run them over and over and over.....

H. is here today - I didn't know the plan was for him to be here today  - which was silly of me because up until this morning, he and J. were planning to spend tonight in San Mateo and be at the courthouse early in the morning to 'surrender' on the outstanding warrant(s).  We are starting to think that H.'s DMV record is why he is struggling to find work - but as it stands now, it might be sometime later this week or next Monday.  The staff and counselors at New Hope have offered to write letters on his behalf confirming that he's fulfilling all the requirements of the rehab program and is doing a great job of getting his life back in order. 

It's hard when he's near and it's hard to write this 'cuz he's our son - but my stomach always feels clenchy and sad when he's about.  He's doing great - but....all those memories of all that's happened still loom large and it's still hard for me to feel welcoming and accepting.  Though he is a huge help and he is one of the reasons we've made such great progress in the garage. 

It's good for him to get out and about vs. sitting in a house all day - so if he's willing to come help out, while wedging in a BowFlex work out and listening to music while he does stuff, then that's not a bad thing. 

I'd love to take a nap today but think I will settle for a super early bedtime tonight - get my clothes picked out and downstairs tonight so that's one less thing to navigate in the morning.  I'll try to get to work super early tomorrow to make up for not working this weekend - it felt lovely to skip it but I'm still doing my job plus my assistant's job and there's still a massive amount of stuff to get caught up on.  Year-end is done - Board meeting on Tuesday - so I have time this week to get caught up.  And new assistant starts on Monday, 9/17!