Toy Story

We're here at The Happiest Place on Earth! Well....really....we're at the place across the street from The Happiest Place on Earth....California Adventure! We're staying at the Paradise Pier Hotel. Not bad. Not The Grand Californian which is our absolute favorite place to stay - but this is a good second option that saved some $$.

We hit the rode around 8:30AM yesterday and were at the park by 4. Not bad. The drive was OK though more traffic-y than I'd hoped. Guess we weren't the only people wedging in a 4 day weekend. Still, we only stopped once and made good time and thankfully, hit I-5 in LA mid-day so the traffic was bearable. Still stop and go but oh well. That's LA.

The boys headed straight for California Screaming and picked up Fast Passes. We all rode the giant ferris wheel - which terrifies me until we're moving consistently. And then you're only moving one or two times around and it's time to be terrified again while everyone gets unloaded. Of course, we were at the very top when the unloading started...I don't know why I get so scared hanging up in the air. We absolutely did not get into a swinging car - those put me over the edge. Even the 'stable' car swung more than I'd like and J. said 'honey, it has to swing a bit or we'd be upside down at the top'. Oh, yeah....Mr. Practical.....

It's just after 8AM and the room is full of the sounds and smells from a mass of people sleeping in one room. The boys are still snoring away. J. is showered. I'm getting showered next. We're having a sit-down breakfast this morning, heading straight to get our Fast Passes for the World of Color show tonight and then rides, etc. all day. I'm hoping to get to Disneyland today - and the Pooh store specifically.

We head home on Sunday and it's back to work Monday. Usually allow a 'recuperation' day in my schedule but Monday filled up with meetings that need to happen so I'll be heading in - undoubtedly suffering from a post-Mickey fog.

I do love this place. OH - and it's looking like I might be returning for a work related conference in the spring - and if that happens, I'm going to spend a couple days here ALONE....which will be lovely. It's the hardest part of any vacation - trying to get four people to agree what to do, when. The staging and scheduling is a nightmare. The boys are old enough to do their own thing and honestly, I'm sure if you ask them, they'd prefer to just be left alone. But armed with cards that allowing 'charging privileges' at any store, restaurant, kiosk, etc. - I'm a little less inclined to allow them to 'roam free'.

The water slide is right outside our window and it's fun to hear smaller kids having so much fun. This place is magical for all - but watching little kids light up at the sight of Buzz Lightyear brings back so many great memories of when our boys were those little people. Magic. That's the only word that describes it.

We're off. J. is on a mission to get those World of Color fast passes FIRST THING. We have access to them 1/2 hour before the general public and he is ON A MISSION.

Bye for now -

Daylight

It feels like a day that was an hour longer than usual....and it's Sunday. Rainy, dreary and getting cold. Signs of official autumn - trees with red, yellow and orange leaves all around (yes, even in California). Drizzly rain off and on all day.

It was a busy week - the bond measure passed with flying colors and just like that, my already swamped work load became a lot deeper than a swamp. Ocean-like, even. We're all very excited and very thankful to our voters - the initial results right after 8PM had us with a comfortable winning margin and it stayed that way all night. It was a long night but fun - spent with a lot of hard working parents who deserved to celebrate. Now the work begins in earnest - planning for modernizing one school and significant building projects at the three others adds a lot to my day. But we'll manage. I know I will. Though the dark circles under my eyes may not ever abate again. Good problem to have, I think - we are blessed with home owners who know that we would never ask them to fund these projects unless there was no other way for us to do them - and unless we would continue our history of being good stewards of the money.

This week is only a three day work week - we're off to Disneyland on Thursday for four days. Originally scheduled off next Monday as well as a 'recuperation' day - but now the day is full of meetings so it's looking like I'll be working. We're excited about the trip - and hoping for improved weather.

It's 7:43 and I'm falling asleep sitting up. Bed time....no matter what the clock says. Night!

Of Night and Day

I came downstairs admittedly early this morning - even for me. 3:30AM. Yikes.... I have a full morning of meetings and still have to prep for those meetings. And I have massive things to accomplish this week and a full day meeting on Friday that shortens my week a bit. So there's much to do.

B. was on the couch in the family room watching TV - on the broken TV that needs $400 or so in repairs. It works but has the entire left side of the picture distorted with red vertical lines running through it. Some really expensive part required. It's only 6 years old. We're still debating. Probably buying a new TV. Or moving the one year old TV from upstairs down here and the kids can use their uncle's old TV for their video games. That's my preferred option because it doesn't involve any cash outflow. We'll see. So - back to the point of my story - B. was watching TV. He said 'what are you doing?'. I replied 'getting up - it's morning'. He finally got up and went to bed. I reminded him that when he's in the army this whole day is night and night is day thing won't work all that well - he'll be forced to sleep during the night like the rest of us. Which will be an adjustment for him since 3-4AM is his 'normal' bed time, especially on nights when he has no classes or work in the morning the next day. That won't always be the case.

It's election day and we're having a celebration tonight (hopefully). At the very least, we'll celebrate our considerable hard work in getting the measure on the ballot and campaigning for it the past few months. We're hopeful - but you never know. My boss confirmed I was planning to attend and I said I was - but I wasn't going to show up at 6....I'll wait and show up when the results start coming in around 8. So at this point, I'm seriously hoping to come home around 4ish and try to sleep an hour or so. I'll need it if I'm attempting to stay awake until 10 or 11 while the results come in.

The San Francisco Giants are the 2010 World Series Champions!! What an exciting, fun series. I really enjoyed it and admittedly, am not that big of a fan. But a Bay Area team being in the series ups the excitement factor considerably and it was fun getting insanely excited and happy when they won last night. It was really great....and from the postings on Facebook of friends in the city, apparently a tad noisy most of the night. Can't blame them - I was whooping it up pretty loudly - J. was impressed. I think next season, we'll try to attend a couple games. I still love the Oakland A's, but obviously, I'm a fair weather fan and rooting for any Bay Area team is always more fun than not rooting at all.

It's pitch black and cold outside. The dog is making 'yapping' noises in her sleep. Glad it's just a dream 'cuz I don't want to deal with her just yet. Too early for her 'routine'. Hoping I can get out of the house before getting her up is a 'must do'.

J. has one final day off today - cleaning out his closet is on his list. Wishing we had been able to be off together. Next weekend, we have a four day weekend and we're traipsing to Disneyland! I'm looking forward to it - except the part about sleeping in a hotel room with 3 guys. I will nap for sure just to keep my sleep deficit to a minimum.

Vote!

Happy Halloween!

It's the annual evening of fright! J. set up all our decorations and got the front lights to stay on so kids will know we are 'open for business'. Bought 7 big bags of candy. Minus one big bag due to pre-Halloween pilfering by two teen boys. Can't have any candy in the house or it's gone. Hoping for lots of trick-or-treaters so we'll use up all the candy.

I spent the day cooking - home made chicken rice soup. Delicious, if I do say so myself. Plenty of leftovers....we'll be eating soup for a week. Good thing I also made a big batch of dinner rolls - and had enough dough leftover to make a cookie sheet foccacia bread topped with rosemary, basil, thyme, garlic salt and grated Parmesan cheese. Delicious! We're on the second running of the dishwasher today and still have another load to put in.

The past couple weeks have been full of work. Work and more work. J. is so busy that he failed to notice that he had time blocked off as vacation week before last. He worked the entire week and didn't remember that he was planning to be off. So he's taking off a 6 day weekend and is off tomorrow and Tuesday - and had Thursday and Friday off, too. Or maybe just Friday. Can't remember, actually. But he's been home which is really nice.

I've been so busy that I was at my desk at 5AM a couple days last week. Got so much done in the wee quiet hours of the morning....I really love that schedule - except for the going to bed around 8ish and waking around 3ish. That part sucks. But working in silence with zero interruptions is really great. I think I'd almost wish to be a hermit sometimes.

Election day is soon and our district has a ballot measure we're anxiously waiting to see how it goes. We really need it - we need to modernize our 80 year old middle school and make other modernizations and improvements to all our schools. We'll hopefully know by Wednesday morning. If it passes, it's a lot more work. If it doesn't, it will be more work in two years when we try again. It's been a very busy, intense couple months and we have the most amazing parent volunteers ever. These people put their hearts and souls into the campaign and worked their butts off - and I hope it passes.

Chloe will be hoarse by the end of tonight - barking her fool head off. Not that we're ever getting another dog - but if we ever did, I'd be sure to ring the darn doorbell constantly when s/he is a little puppy so it would become 'no big deal' to have a bell ring. Seriously - she is crazed when there's someone at the door.

Today is my sister's 49th birthday. I sent her a Facebook email last night. Got a reply today. The first communication we've had in close to four years. It wasn't much - but it was something.

I came across our email exchange from four years ago about a month ago - all the old hurt feelings resurfaced in about a nano-second. I should delete them. But I won't. They remind me why I gave up trying. And why I will keep my distance.

Still, I didn't see her in South Carolina earlier this month - and I would have liked to. At least then, the initial 'first time we've communicated in years' would have been over - for awhile.

It's over for awhile again now. I tried. I didn't expect much - and that's what I got back. Not much. And it's OK. Apparently, it's easier to let go the second time around. I'm not phased. It's back to status quo.

And at least I know I did try. I was the bigger person - I made an effort and communicated first. I don't really know why I felt I should - but I did - and I did it quickly before I could change my mind. And I'm not sorry I did. Maybe being farming neighbors will be next. Who knows. I don't. I expect nothing. And I won't be disappointed. I think we both realize there is no relationship to salvage anymore. Nothing to try to improve. I know her - and she knows me. And compromising isn't in one of our vocabularies. Nor is admitting when we've made mistakes and are sorry. We're both human and stubborn.

I don't want to be right. Or need to be. But I need serenity. I have that. I've had it for three years, 10 months and a couple days. Serenity is nice. I choose it over anything else.

Still, you can never have to many Farmville neighbors....

Suspicion!

Think of Fiddler on the Roof. The song 'Tradition'. Remember the emphasis. Tra-DI-TION! Bum-bum-ba-da-da-ra-bum -TRADITION!

That song is running through my head....only substitute the word 'suspicion' instead.....

I was at work by 5AM this morning - so early that even McDonald's wasn't open yet - so no iced tea or yogurt parfait, which is my new, quick, $1 breakfast! It's yummy! And not too bad point wise.

I managed to finish up the project I had to do in time for a 9AM meeting. Plowed through the morning/early afternoon of various meetings. And at 2:30PM, headed home.

H. was not home. Didn't answer his cell phone on the first call. Did answer it on the 2nd. Said he was 'doing PE'. Remember, he's going to a cyber school now - his PE consists of 45 minutes of physical activity. He said he was skateboarding on his long board to the park. He was gone over an hour. At one point, I called again to check on him - and he was talking to 'a friend' around the corner - a friend I've never heard him mention. Hmmm.....

He arrives home and stays home for a bit. Watches TV. Heads upstairs.

A short time later, I think I hear someone come in the front door. The dog definitely heard someone come in the front door. I call out 'B.?'. No answer. 'Is someone there'? No answer. It is clear someone IS there 'cuz I hear footsteps clomping up the stairs. I ask 'who's there'? and H. answers 'it's O.' (his friend). 30 seconds go by. Next thing I know, O. is leaving. Just that fast.

I ask H. to come downstairs. He said 'O. had to leave to go out front and talk to his girlfriend'. I check. They are not out there. He doesn't know where they went. He said 'I told O. you were going to get all suspicious on me'. I said 'you're right - 'cuz I am'. He goes into what I call 'full deflection mode' - indignant that I'm asking. Indignant that I don't 'trust' him. Pissed off that I'm 'always assuming the worst and making a big deal of everything'. Hmmm....wow. It was a very de-ja-vu feeling. I've been here before. I know his master manipulative ways. I know how he can spin a story faster than most of us can snap our fingers.

So when a 'call' from O. occurred minutes later, with H. saying 'no, I'm not sure I can - I've got stuff I have to do now'....I was even MORE suspicious. Like that was either a totally fake call - or he texted O. and asked him to call. To make it sound/look better.

I know he's up to something. If I had listened to my gut 6-9 months ago, we might be in a totally different place....but I didn't then. I am now. I told H. that I'm on to him and I know he's up to something - and when the bottom falls out this time, it will be life changing consequences for all of us.

Time to whip out a drug test - just for laughs.

In the mean time, every bone in my body is fighting the flee response. I don't want to live in this house with a kid that lies and manipulates like the rest of us breath and floss our teeth. I just don't have it in me anymore. My own quiet little apartment sounds like such a nice thing, doesn't it? Though admittedly, it would be hugely selfish - and not fair to J. And better that I'm here 'cuz frankly, J. has zero radar when it comes to that kid. Zip. Nada.

I just let him go to O's house - about a 4 minute skate board trip. He took his car keys. I said 'no, if' you're going to O's house, you can walk or ride your skateboard. You don't need to spend money on gas to drive over there for an hour. Take your board or walk'.

He walked out, slamming everything possible between here and the door. Keys tossed on the counter with a clang. Dog gate - crash. Front door slam. Skate board dropped onto the ground from it's leaning position with enough force to be heard here in the study which is several rooms and quite a few feet away.

Oh, yes.....Mr. Indignant has returned. I remember him. He uses his holier-than-though force field to convince you you're wrong. But I've dealt with him before - I know how he operates. I will not be moved.

If he's up to something, we're going to find out soon. I guarantee it. He doesn't like my vigilance but he's starting to know that I mean business. My mom-radar is always in alert mode - and will be for a very long time.

Postscript:

I am publishing this post finally on Sunday evening, 10/31. I felt horrible the next day - I was zero to bat-shit crazy with H. in about 35 seconds.

On Tuesday, I had a conversation with my boss about some 'stuff' going on at work. He reassured me that I am always polite and considerate - but also reassured me that sometimes, taking the very direct approach with people is the best option. I need to address some things happening and it's not 'fun' or 'pretty' to be direct with people. And I wanted to be sure he was OK with me being (even more) firm than usual. He said he can't imagine me ever losing my temper, because I don't. Or yelling, because I don't. Or being pissy, because I'm not. Ever. At work.....

I got a teeny bit teary eyed in my meeting with my boss. Doubt he noticed. And if he did, I'm sure he assumed it was because of the issues I am dealing with at work and the approach I have planned out - which won't be easy. It has been a long couple months and we've many more to go - but it is what it is and I feel a strong, quiet calm about much of it. But it wasn't that. I was emotional because the entire time we were taking, I sat there thinking 'how is it that I can maintain my cool so well at work - always professional; always taking the high road; being direct but never rude or mad - but I can't do that at home for my own kid(s)?' I beat myself up about that for a few days. Really, really down on myself about how I go zero to crazy with H. at virtually every opportunity - and he's my own flesh and blood. When did he become less to me - when did being civil and courteous to him become something I don't do?

I went to dinner with some friends on Friday night - all mom's and all mom's with kids who have 'histories' like H.'s. Their kids are grown now - and they both told me that they still find themselves being suspicious. It's just the nature of living with someone who has a substance abuse issue. And they also reassured me that me being a mom is normal. They also confessed many episodes of zero to crazy in their mom careers and assured me it's 'normal'. It's being a mom. A mom who will do anything to keep her son from stepping back on the path he was on this time last year. ANYTHING - including screaming bloody murder at him.....

I apologized to H. and meant it. I told him that I hope he sees my suspicions and anger for what they truly are: that I love him enough to do anything and say anything to get him to understand how desperately I do not want him to go back to where he was. It would absolutely break my heart....and shatter our relationship forever to have it all repeated.

And yet, even with all that said and truly heart-felt, I'm still suspicious. And probably always will be.....I joked with my cousin on FB last night that I'll probably be suspicious of H. on his wedding day. When everyone else will be wondering if he's got cold feet and that's why he's not at the altar yet, I'll be thinking he's doing something else entirely.....

Will it ever end? Maybe when he becomes a parent.....'cuz then I know he'll know just how much a parent loves you and just how far they'll go to protect you -

Pipes

We finished a big project at one of our schools recently which involved installing a second water meter for our irrigation water. This project was expensive but we will save thousands of dollars each year by having the water we're using to maintain our fields at this site (including baseball fields that are used by our local Little League) metered separately. It's been a two year process to get the project done - and it was finished about a month ago.

Except we received a call from the city this week telling us the water meter was not readable because the unit of measurement was wrong.

We informed the city that their inspector had signed off on the work - so they agreed to fix it. They worked with our contractor to make it right. This was my e-mail conversation with my boss -

Me (to my boss): H2O meter at [insert school name] is fixed. City paid plumber to fix it. We're up and running.

Boss: Great! We should drive over and check it out!

Me: It's a big pipe. :-)

Boss: You mean a very expensive big pipe.

Me: Point taken. If you want to go, I'm always open to a field trip - I could use the break.

I should have been a plumber.

Phone Bank

Sitting here all evening alone - listening to the phone ring and ring. Love caller ID - if I don't know who it is, I simply ignore. If they leave a message - great! If not, that's OK, too.... Most are political calls....I call them 'phone bank' calls now 'cuz I've been phone banking for a cause of my own. Phone banking is signing up to make phone calls and 'pitch' something to a voter. I have new respect for people who are volunteering to phone total strangers and gauge their position on issues, candidates, etc. If I do accidentally answer, I am sincere and very attentive - in recognition of the person's efforts. But most nights, I'm grateful we now have Caller ID and ignoring them is so easy. Three voice mails so far.

J. and H. are in Oakland. I think B. is at school but I'm not positive. I am fading very quickly and will be heading upstairs shortly. It's only 8PM but I've been up at four two days in a row and by 8, I'm dead.

The weekend was uneventful which is nice and is back to what we consider 'the norm'. Having said that, I'm sure this weekend will be anything but normal but oh well. We're wrestling with strange weather....chores we put off on Saturday were impossible to do on Sunday 'cuz it was raining all day. A slow, steady drizzle that freshened the air and made for a nice, cozy day inside. I made cinnamon rolls - they were not stellar. Which doesn't mean they weren't eaten 'cuz they were - boys will eat anything, especially if there's frosting involved. I made up for the so-so breakfast (the milk was too warm and the yeast was 'killed', I think) by making fantastic chicken fried steaks for dinner. They were excellent - possibly the best I've ever made. They were so good that when one of the boys had a midnight snack and left some of the steak on his plate in the sink, the cat jumped onto the counter and fetched the steak out of the sink and took it into the living room! Yuck! I left the house yesterday morning in the pitch black and didn't notice the big blob of meat on the floor - J. found it when he got up.

It was a challenging work day - and I tried hard to remind myself that all things are temporary. Change is hard for people. Some folks would prefer to not be managed. Others expect of everyone around them what they refuse to model themselves. Leadership is hard work. Being a leader means you lead even when you're totally sick of leading. Even when those you are leading follow kicking and screaming the entire way. It's hard. And I just have to stick with it. It's what I'm paid to do.

And I have to remember that for every person I encountered today who was unhappy with a decision I made or disagreed with the direction we are taking on some things, there are always many more who appreciate what I do and how I do it - including my boss. So it all sort of balances out in the end -

(from Positively Positive on Facebook)