Macy's!

It's a big weekend in our town - Macy's is opening this week! We made a donation to our church in exchange for passes to the new store TODAY - five days before the 'official' opening! Our shopping list is long and we can't wait!! We just finished 'brunch' (eggs, toast, turkey sausage) that was both breakfast and lunch and we're heading out soon.

H. is driving to Alameda today to visit a friend. It's a long drive and I'm nervous about it - but he's been planning this rendezvous for a long time. Visiting a cute girl trumps shopping at Macy's any day of the week - and weekends are pretty much the only time he can visit her.

I've emptied the shred bin (by shredding, of course! Unlike last week when H. helped me by emptying it unshredded into the giant recycle bin outside. Luckily, we were able to successfully fish out everything). Updated my status on Weight Watchers (down 2.5 lbs this week!!). Attempted to tidy up my desk. Lots to do this weekend - and I hope to try to make a batch of cinnamon rolls for work on Monday. Today is 'Bosses Day' and my team gave me a really pretty plant and a nice card yesterday. We're all dieting but on a Monday morning, I suspect they will agree to a splurge and enjoy a breakfast treat.

Grocery, errands, Macy's, yard work....busy weekend!

Parachute

I spent yesterday in Sacramento listening to the update on the recently passed State budget. I was with my boss who is an entertaining and fun 'travel' buddy. It's great to have a boss that making small talk with is not a problem. We passed the hour+ each way in the car with easy banter and also managed to transact a fair amount of 'business', which is great 'cuz our schedules are both so jammed that we rarely get to spend time catching each other up on our respective worlds.

You know how you hear a song in the early part of your day and it runs through your head from that point on? During the entire class, this song was running through my head....most especially the chorus.

And as it ran through my head, over and over and over, I was thinking of my parachute. My sweet J. And alternating between being so madly in love with my husband and attempting to listen to the business I was supposed to be listening to. Running in my head over and over....'I don't need a parachute, baby, if I've got you'.....

We are a great team in all things - me and my J. . We parent the same (tough love). We work the same (like maniacs). We enjoy a lot of the same things. And it's such a great thing to have someone you know will pick up the slack when you need them to. Someone to catch you if you're falling. I've been feeling like I'm falling a lot lately. I'm not - but I feel like I am.

I post it here and hope you will listen to it or hear it in your car one day - it's catchy.

J., I love you - and I love how there are so many songs that are totally, completely 'you' in my head. Add this one to the list -

I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand
Don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned
I won't tell anybody/won't tell anybody
They wanna push me down/they wanna see you fall
I don't tell anybody that you turn the world around
I won't tell anyone that your voice is my favorite sound
I won't tell anybody/won't tell anybody
They wanna see us fall/they wanna see us fall down

Chorus:
I don't need a parachute baby if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you, I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me/you're gonna catch if I fall
(down, down, down)

Don't believe the things you tell yourself so late at night
You are your own worst enemy; you'll never win the fight
Just hold on to me and I'll hold onto you
it's you and me against the world it's you and me, love

I don't believe anything, don't trust anyone anymore
But I believe you when you say we're never gonna fall
Hand behind my neck, arm around my waist
Never let me hit the ground, you'll never let me crash down

I won't fall outta love
I won't fall outta...
I'll fall into you

Trimming

I am spending the day productively - making it my personal mission to fill up the lawn trimming bin before Wednesday morning's pickup. It's pretty darn full - have trimmed trees, shrubs, etc. Even had H. work with me using a hand saw to saw off some tree branches! There's one more I want to cut off but decided I would wait for J. to see it before I do it - reasonably sure he will agree (it's a big branch hanging right over the pool) - but it's 'big' and I don't want to make that much of an appearance change without him agreeing it's for the best. It is. And he will agree. I hope. :-)

I also need to take a break 'cuz I have blisters on one finger and a blister forming on the palm of my hand....manual labor leaves it's scars.

Also ran a few errands....the ones I didn't get to this weekend. Purchased potting soil and my next project is to re pot the bamboo tree that is looking sad in our entry way. Reasonably sure it's 'root bound' and needs a bigger pot; however, I'm also reasonably sure that it will then be in a pot that is too large for me to move by myself.

H. just got home from school - and my suspicions are up again. He said he's going 'to so-and-so's house and then to a different so and so's house'. When I say 'ok, so I can call over to the first so and so and confirm you are there and there is a parent home', and he replies 'I guess, if you have to'. Moments later, he's on his phone and the plans have changed. He's going to the 2nd so-and-so's house - which I will be checking on momentarily. He's up to something. And he knows I'm on to him so he's being a bit 'sneakier' than usual.....

J. just called for the first time - we've been checking in via email but he was at a very late dinner last night and since he'd had so little sleep the night before, he was wiped out. So we said our good night's via his Blackberry and me at the computer. He's heading to cocktails and dinner again - he travels to NC tomorrow. Miss him.

Even with my huge 'cheating' (cinnamon rolls) this weekend - which wasn't really all that bad since I just ate them as part of my daily points, though admittedly they are not at all healthy - I still lost 3 pounds this week! Yeah! I'm resisting the cinnamony madness wrapped on the stove - leaving them to the boys. They were delicious - but I felt the sugar hit like a truck - and that alone was a great reminder to get back on the 'no sugar is better' plan. It tastes delicious and there's a slight 'boost' - and then you feel like you've been hit by a truck when the carb let down starts. Not for me. Getting used to less sugar is a great thing - cravings are greatly diminished, which is a blessing. My one point treat each evening is doing the trick!

Back outside to do the plant repotting. Am also considering at least hosing off my filthy car. We got some light sprinkles on Sunday which really just made the dirt on the car look like mud. It's a mess.....and I don't like it being so dirty. So I'll see if a quick rinse will help.

Tomorrow, it's back to the trenches - dreading it. But what must be must be.....

Shhhh

Don't tell 'the kids'....but I just made the final payment on our Disneyland trip. Compromised by reducing by one night - saving $517 in room, ticket and meals. We'll still have plenty of fun in store and the change helped me 'rationalize' spending money we really shouldn't spend. So we're going.

Now I have to start saving up for 'incidentals'. That darn Pooh store gets me every time!

Cinnamon Success

The kitchen looked like a hurricane had passed through - and the dark top and pants I had on were splattered with flour, dried dough and other gunk - but the cinnamon rolls were TO DIE FOR just as The Pioneer Woman had said they were. They were/are fantastic - and there's another batch of dough and already prepared frosting waiting for me to make another batch later today. After I hose down the kitchen, unload the dishwasher and then reload it with all the stuff that wouldn't fit in the first time. I'll get better at my 'method' and my mechanics will improve - but the toughest critic in the house (B.) pronounced them AWESOME and seemed a teeny bit in awe that I had made them 'from scratch'. He said 'so you made the dough and everything?'. Um, yes, I DID! Yeah me! My first attempt at a recipe with yeast turned out great - may even bake bread.

Baking bread got me thinking about my sister-in-law - she baked all the family bread from scratch. She also made English muffins from scratch - and used tuna cans with both lids removed - for her 'muffin mold'. She was really thrifty - she wanted to be home with her boys and not work - so she baked a lot of things herself. I sort of wish I'd paid more attention to how she did it all - her breads and muffins were always so good. Though at the time, I remember thinking 'wow, that's spending a ton of time for two loaves of bread and we could just run down the block to Von's and pick up some there'. But now, I kind of get it. There's a lot of satisfaction in doing things 'yourself' and letting the process be a part of the experience. It was good 'exercise' for me to be up and moving so much yesterday - and the fact that I recognized it as movement is a good indicator that I need to (continue to) move more....

H. and I had a little talk - he got to express why he was angry. And I got to express that I understand he's angry but I am in fact trusting him the majority of the time. I vetoed a decision that would have had him spending the night in a house with several boys, two of whom were friends who he 'hung out' with in his 'prior to rehab' life. And I vetoed that. Which then sent him into a tizzy with 'you just said you do trust me but then you don't'. I said 'I do trust you, H. I'm allowing you to visit friends frequently; to use your car to go places and do things; to hang out with friends at their homes or at school events. All those things require me trusting you. But that doesn't mean that when I hear you planning to put yourself in a situation where you may be with people who choose to use while you are there - and you will then have to say no - that I'm going to sit here and say 'ok, sure' to that. I won't. And you shouldn't either. It bothers me that your mind is back to the place of 'I can do what I want when I want with who I want' because if you keep having those thoughts, you will likely use again. You need to limit your exposure to people who do drugs as entertainment - and you were about to put yourself smack dab in the middle of just that kind of situation. So I said 'no'. And that makes you mad at me. And I'm OK with that. Better you be mad at me then use again - because you will not live in this house if you relapse. And I'm just doing everything in my power to keep that from happening'.

We are hugely proud of him - how he's stayed sober and clean for four months. And we know that's hard for him. He is exposed to 'it' everyday and he is making the decision every day to not use. And that's hard for him - but he's doing it. He just seems to think that it is a 'done deal' now - that having avoided it for four months means he's 'ok' now. And I just don't think it's going to be that easy. And I'm still making it my business to help him make the best decisions possible when I think he's not - and he resents the heck out of that. Oh well.

I also pointed out that he's stopped regularly attending AA meetings - he was going every night - but he's gotten sloppy about that....which is another red flag (for me) that his head is in a place where he might just get the 'f-it' approach to these issues and decide to use.

So I stay vigilant. I change travel plans. I stay close to home. I force him to communicate when he'd prefer not to. I force him to keep communicating when it's clear he's not going to get what he 'wants' from me....he's not getting permission to be overnight with people who use. Period. End of story.

And he fumes in the other room. And I'm OK with that......

In eight short months, he will be 18. And he will decide. He'll either leave and enlist. Or leave and do ?? to support himself. Or he'll choose to continue to live here, under the same 'rules' that exist today and go to college for a couple years.

He fumed. He went to a friends house for a bit. And he came home unexpectedly just before 8PM and said 'I'm going to a meeting'.

So I know I was 'on to something' and I know I did the right thing. And I'm glad I was here to intervene 'cuz if I'd been in SC, the scenario would have been a lot different. No adult at home would have changed the scene considerably. So I feel better about being here vs. there. Though I wish I could have been two places at once.

J. is in MN already - he had about two hours sleep last night but slept a bit on the plane. The Eagles concert was good with the only complaint being they did not play New York Minute. They had a nice time. It took a triple shot latte with my strongest espresso pods (12's on scale that usually ends with 10) to get B. moving and off to work by 10:30...but he managed.

I hear son #2 up and moving so I need to do the same. It sprinkled a bit last night and this morning - the air is so fresh and clean. I've got all the windows open - it's going to be a beautiful day. The sun just came out and it's still in the low 70's. Good car washing, gardening weather.

Unease

My cousin S. in Arizona perfectly expressed my feelings these days - I shared this general sense of 'unease' I've had lately - on so many different levels and for so many different reasons. And she summed it up perfectly - 'for a strong woman, that can be the worst'. And she's so right.

I sort of think it's like my issue with watching movies, etc. I want to know how it all turns out. As long as I know, I'm good. But if I don't know, then I really don't want to watch - I don't enjoy the process of watching enough to make the unease worth it. That's an 'AH-HA' [emphasis on the HAH!] moment for me for sure - because we all know that life doesn't give you previews. And as good as I am at 'living in the moment' (which I really am pretty great at most of the time), there are these incidences of NOT being able to do that.....so, SO not being able. And I suck at that part...suck at the not knowing and the ability to figure out how to move past it sometimes. I know I will....but the in between days are horribly hard.

All of this stuff with H. is playing out little by little. And unease has been and will be a huge part of it. And I just don't do unease well.

Add in some work unease......and some life unease......and it's all sort of a general dissatisfaction for no particular reason - and I keep hoping it will abate - but so far, it's not.

It's just me and H. tonight - not sure what we'll do for dinner. But I'm attempting to make home made (yes, from scratch) cinnamon rolls and if I'm successful, I will be eating some - so I won't have many points left for dinner. Though all I've had is cottage cheese, pineapple (1 c. each) and a Weight Watchers Giant Latte frozen treat all day, which is about 5 points total. It's approaching 4PM so I'm pretty darn hungry....

Here's the stupid thing - which I am going to fix today/tonight if it kills me: we had to switch our money tracking system to Quicken (from MS Money) - and to be honest, I hate it. And I know - absolutely, positively KNOW - that is where a big part of my unease stems from. I feel 'off' in terms of having my head wrapped around our finances. I'm still paying bills and tracking accounts, etc. But it's just so incredibly different than MS Money - it is very disorienting - and dis-ease causing. So I need to tackle that - it's been six weeks on the 'new' system and it's still foreign to me - and I'm pretty computer savvy. So I need to just figure it all out so it becomes as 2nd nature to me as MS Money was - and that will probably help me start back down the path of 'righting my world'.

Then I just need to tackle work, laundry ('cuz J.'s leaving tomorrow and I'll be doing laundry [though he has made a huge dent today - thanks, honey!]) and preparing for the week. And deciding if I'm still going to plan to be off on Monday or go in since I'm not out of town. I should go in. But I don't want to.

Here's my current plan:

Will finish the cinnamon rolls -

Will open up Quicken for the umpteenth time this week and really attempt to figure out some mechanical things about it that are bugging me -

Will figure out what to do for dinner for me and H. - who's currently somewhat pissed at me, so it will likely be something we will eat in separate rooms -

Will clean the fingerprints off the doors ('cuz they've been bugging me for awhile); maybe take the dog for a walk; enjoy a quiet evening reading or watching TV; get a good night's sleep -

and prepare for a week of being a single parent while J.'s off on a business trip.....

And at some point next week, I'm sure my 'strong woman' confidence will return and my unease will abate and my world will return to 'normal'. Or as my brother said on the phone 'a new normal'.

Seems there's always room for 'a new normal'.....

Revision

I am not winging my way to SC for the weekend.....my reasons revolve around situations here at home that make staying 'grounded' the better option for me, at this point. I will keep specifics private - because even those who routinely write about their personal situations on blogs sometimes prefer to just leave some details unsaid. It was a hard decision - I really stressed myself out about 'what to do' and in the end, I know I made the best decision for me and my immediate family. I talked to the two people who were most affected by my decision (my travel buddy sister and my brother) and they completely understood my reasons for sticking close to home this weekend. I didn't feel compelled to 'make excuses' to the list of invitees who are also attending. A simple 'unable to make it' is all that will be offered - my plans changed. That's the best I can offer at this point -

I loved talking to my brother - reminded me of the great conversations we had when I was living there with them. He's is so incredibly sharp-witted and smart and has such diverse interests. I know this is a really hard time for him (and his two sons) but he summed it up best when he said 'we will find our new normal'. Some incredibly hard days still ahead - and he said he realizes that every time he thinks he just went through the last 'really hard thing' only to find another just around the corner. And that's so true in every one's experience of losing a loved one - new normal is constantly changing state of flux - and you just have to keep getting through a moment at time. He's doing OK - and I have promised to do a better job keeping in touch. He's on Facebook, so hopefully we can all 'draw him out' and catch him when he's online so we can IM each other now and then. If not, there's always the good old-fashioned phone. We did reconnect and I hope we will continue to do so - I know I intend to call far more often than I've ever called before. And hopefully, little by little, it will become easier to talk.

So I'm here at home - having decided that the two days I booked 'off' shall remain so - and facing four days (now three and half remaining) of time at home. H. wants to repaint his room a more 'adult' color (than the bright sea blue we painted it awhile back) and if the temps stay moderate this weekend, we will work on that project.

J. and B. are going to the Eagles concert tomorrow night - B.'s birthday gift to J. - and then J. is leaving on Sunday morning around 3AM for the airport to wing his way to Minnesota for two days and then to North Carolina for two days before returning home Thursday. Just me and the boys next week - making our typical busy week even busier.