Bouquets

Survived my 49th birthday yesterday - a day full of surprises.

J. and the boys sent me a beautiful bouquet - people get flowers for work at my office and so J. obliged my desire for something totally unnecessary but fun and a nice addition to my busy days. They are absolutely gorgeous - oranges and yellows and pinks, bright and cheery and 'artsy'. I love them.

We had our annual administrator lunch yesterday and I hadn't planned to go since I was buried in budget stuff and attempting to balance something for the umpteenth time. But I went - my friend came to get me and said 'come on, I'll drive - we're going'. The lunch was nice - it's the only time all administrators in the district sit down together for a meal and it's always a lot of fun. The lunch was Mexican food and my 'super burrito' was a foot long and 4 inches round. It was HUGE. I ate about 1/3 of it and brought the rest home for dinner. Made it through lunch and all the sudden, the jukebox starts playing a Mexican- sounding Happy Birthday. I look at my boss who is grinning from ear to ear and say 'Oh crap!' - which only cracked him up even more. They put a crazy hat on me and presented me with cake and whip cream complete with a '4' and a '9' candle. It was too funny. I hadn't said a word to anyone that it was my birthday but his assistant delivered my flowers to my building so perhaps she let the cat out of the bag. Anyway, it was funny. I would have eaten the entire piece of cake but no one else ordered any dessert. So I just ate a couple bites.

Today, I went to a workshop on budget in Sacramento. I carpooled with a friend from another district. About 1/2 way through the morning workshop, I said 'I just emailed my assistant to tell her that I think I'm heading home from here'. (My day started at 4AM with emails from home and I was at my desk by 6AM before heading out to meet my carpool friend). My friend says 'um, cool'. Something like that. After a break, she comes back and says 'ok, I don't want to spoil anything - but you have to go back to your office today because there's something waiting for you'. She refused to give any further hints.

So I did return - and in my office, right next to the flowers - was a cookie bouquet!! So cute - 4 flower shaped cookies in red, blue, yellow & green along with a white cookie that said 'Happy Birthday'. They are in a 'vase' and arranged in a bouquet. So fun. I immediately shared a cookie with my office (the cookies are as big as my hand) and we laughed because the blue frosting turned our tongues and teeth blue! Short lived, thank goodness.

It was great of my friends to surprise me and wonderful of J. and the boys ('my guys') to send me flowers. The boys also each gave me cash-moola towards my iPod Touch which I'm dutifully saving up for. It's not that I couldn't buy one whenever I want - I could. But it's satisfying to set a goal and see how long it takes me to 'find'/save up the money for it. The boys gave me $20 each - which I'm putting in my savings account. My sister and her hubby refused to take a check I sent for t-shirts they gave the boys at the races a couple weeks ago - so I put that 'found' money into the iPod account, too! Little by little, it will add up - and then I'll feel completely, totally great about buying it for myself. And J. said 'move some other money from our checking account into your iPod account and call it your birthday gift from me' - so already, I'm doing pretty well towards my goal. I don't need an iPod Touch, but I do want one - so I'm trying to show the kids that you work and save for the things you want....hard to teach. Hard to do in this age of 'have it now' lifestyle.

My sister also sent me a beautiful lavender potpourri which smells great and is so pretty!

It was a great day - and I'm now in the last year of my 40's. This time next year, I'll have to change the 'about me' profile to read '50+'. My current possible plans to celebrate that milestone include a trip to Disneyland....or Vegas...or a party bus up to Napa for wine tasting with friends and family....a year to plan. A year to enjoy the last of my 40's. They have been the happiest decade of my entire life and I'm positive my 50's will surely surpass them.

Weekend full of work looms. Budget due. Too much to do and not nearly enough time to do it. I will work 24/7 this weekend to get as far as possible on it before Monday morning arrives. There is much to finish up...

Thanks to all who made my 49th such a special occasion. It was lots of fun being surprised multiple times!

Chocolate

I went to lunch today - I really went to get more iced tea (being up since 3:30 this morning working on budget had me feeling sleepy at noon so I went out for reinforcements) and walked right past the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory that opened in the Cold Stone Creamery store. I wandered in and left with $5 of chocolate covered potato chips - it was 1/4 pound - so that's $20 a pound. I just had to try them and thankfully, they are something I can live without 'cuz at $20 a pound, I absolutely cannot afford to grow particularly fond of them. Plus, I could make my own pretty easily).

We had H.'s girl friend over for the day yesterday - a rare thing since I wasn't home. I talked to her mom to be sure she knew there was no parent at home. Confirmed B. was home....and confirmed that I only work 1.7 miles away and planned to do drive by's (of my own house) periodically, including stopping in unannounced. Which I did and found nothing amiss. She stayed for dinner.

I'm not seeking a huge friendship with this young lady, but let's just say there's a lot to be desired on the 'social' and 'communication' front. She did not say a single word to me the entire time she was here. H. insists she said 'hi' when I came in the room both times I entered - but I heard nothing. It's possible she said it - I possibly didn't hear her. But I did spend 1.5 hours in the kitchen working my ass off (after a 12 hour day) cooking dinner....and still, no talk. Nothing. H. sets the table for dinner (which he had to be prompted to do) and then the two of them disappear to the living room - and when I said 'hello, are you eating?' there was angst on all sides. I finally just said 'ok, I'm done - dinner is in the kitchen and you two are on your own'. I guess they ate - I don't really know.

I was raised that you offer to help. Your hostess may decline your offer but the polite thing to do is to offer. I was raised that you are cordial and friendly - not completely silent and non-responsive. It just doesn't add up for me. I don't know what her home situation is, really - and I alternate between feeling sort of sorry for her (and thankful she has H. in her life) and being hugely irritated. H. says 'she thinks you and Dad are the greatest - she loves you guys'. And I think 'where does that come from because she has never (in over a year of dating H.) had a conversation with me.

I was pissed off last night - I told H. after she left 'if she is going to continue to be a frequent guest in our home - and I am more than happy to have her here as often as she'd like - then she is going to have to work on her communication skills. She is going to HAVE TO communicate. Even just spend a teeny bit of time in the kitchen with me, conversing a teeny, tiny bit - or I'm not comfortable having her here. She needs to start having some sort of 'friendship' with your parents H. - not just hanging out with you, whispering every thing. He said 'she is just really, really shy, Mom'. 'H., I understand shy. I was shy. But this goes beyond shy. She's 'known' us for over a year now....I know she's only been here a few times, but she HAS been here and she has spent time here...so it's time to start stepping up and starting to have a 'friendship' with all the members of this house - not just you. '

It's an odd situation. I feel uneasy about it....and I'm upset at myself for being upset. I don't want that for my son - a needy, quiet, non-participative girl that hangs out with him and is so obviously socially uncomfortably awkward. She seems like a really nice girl - but there's no interaction that gives me any sense of what she's really like. Except for that she is all over my son like a fly on fly paper. They watched movies intertwined on the couch. Two kids snuggled on a couch with arms, legs, hands intertwined.

I told H. on the way home from B.'s graduation on Saturday (because there was a moment that seemed to allow for the conversation) that I was cautious about her because there are girls out there who are forward enough to create a situation that leads a young man to get into trouble - and while I really didn't think she was like that, I honestly didn't have any way of knowing what she's like since I've never talked to her, really. I cautioned him hugely - warned him that he's 16 and like all 16 year old boys, it will take about 10 seconds for him to get to a point where it will be too late...should she set her sights on something more physical, he will probably not be able to resist. He sort of gave me that 'look' of 'are you insane' ....but then he stopped and said 'ok, I know what you mean and I promise you - we have talked about it - and we are absolutely NOT having a physical relationship. Period'. I hope he's right...because I'm not too sure that she's not hoping for a relationship so she'll have her future all mapped out. I was a young teenage girl, too, once - and I was going to marry absolutely every guy who showed the slightest interest in me....so I know.

These years are sure challenging. I'm hoping the next time she's here, I can cajole her into coming into the kitchen and helping me bake some cookies or something. She loves my cookies - any and all of them.

OK - time for bed. More later.

Graduate #1

B. is officially a high school graduate.

I held it together pretty well. I teared up at my usual places: the National Anthem; when Pomp & Circumstance started; when I first saw B. marching in; and when a firefly hovered right in front of me for quite a few seconds. I choked up pretty badly at that point because I'm sure - positive, really - that it was my mom. And it choked me up to miss her so much and yet be glad she was here to see this round of grand kids start graduating. And I choked up again when B. marched off the field - they made a nice trip around the field and track and when he saw me, he smiled a big smile and kept watching me...which he always does. At every special occasion he's ever had, there is always a moment when it's just me and him - and I blew him a kiss and gave him thumb's up and whooped and hollered like a maniac. He seemed please by my obvious joy.

And even with all the heartache of these past four years - and all the disappointments, I am truly, deeply proud of him. It was a great morning.

We are heading to friends for a BBQ celebration - we all sat together and hollered for our kids. B. and C. have been best friends since 5th grade and it's a great thing to watch them take the next step together. B. sat next to a bunch of kids who are also going to LPC, including some friends he's known for a long time...so that's nice. He will know some people there. And of course, the entire campus is 'on alert' that 'Majah's son is going to be here next year'. One of the advantages of having a mom who works in education and used to work at the college - he has an instant group of adults who care about him and will keep an eye on him...and offer assistance if he ever needs help or advice or a listening ear. He will be fine.

Today is all about celebrating. Work will keep. I am enjoying this milestone - this day of B. realizing just how special your high school years are....all his friends that graduated today that are an important part of his life. He is very happy. And we are very happy for him.

He has a great future ahead of him, full of possibilities....it's a new day. For sure. A new day.

Here are a few pics:


He's the one waving his diploma in the air. He's wearing his AVID medal, his International Baccalaureate (IB) black stole and his Performing Arts Magnet honor cords....which are light pink. He didn't want to wear them but thankfully, the black IB stole and the AVID medal sort of temper the pink a bit....so he did wear them.

Here's B. with his grade-school 'sweetheart' K.:



And finally, B. and his BFF C. at the grad party at C.'s house after the graduation ceremony:


It's been a great day - and we are blessed to have the D. family in our lives - celebrating all these milestones with them over the years is such a blessing and we always have such a great time.

B. just left for the last of his Senior year activities - his all night grad cruise on the San Francisco bay. They depart the school around 10PM tonight (it's 9:15PM here now) and return sometime tomorrow morning.

Congratulations, B....we are truly proud of all you've accomplished and know that your future is bright and full of possibilities.

Kisses

H.'s birthday was low-key but fun for him, I'm reasonably sure. His 'girlfriend' arrived around noon and stayed until late evening. They spent the day upstairs playing video games, looking at My Space pages, etc. on the computer. Took a nap together. Yes, together. He slept with a girl on his 16th birthday which will most certainly make it memorable. J. and B. had left to run an errand and I heard the door upstairs close. I left my PC in the dining room (where I work on work stuff at home) and headed upstairs. Knocked politely (resisting the urge to tear the door off the hinges but wary of what might be going on behind those doors at the same time). He answered 'what?'. I replied 'please open the door'. 'Why'? 'OPEN THE DOOR'. So he did. I said 'no closed doors when there is a lady visiting. Period. End of story'. An 'OK' escaped his lips...and he was clearly irritated and mortified at the same time.

He appeared a few minutes later and allowed me to remind him of the 'absolutely no closed doors when you have a girl over' rule. He said 'she closed the door'. I reminded him this was his house, our rules and he should have said 'we need to leave the door open'.

I know they kissed a lot....but I think that's as far as it went. I didn't want anything else to go on that might be a 'special birthday gift'...and trust me, it could happen. Girls these days are very 'forward' and willing...and I'm a mom of a boy and I say 'no way'. I reminded him of all the things a mom reminds her son when she's trying to protect him and mortify him at the same time.

They took a nap, appearing about an hour later with post-sleep stuffy noses. We had take-out Chinese for dinner (H.'s pick). While she was here, two other girls delivered H. a heart-shaped cake with 'Happy 16, Boo'. Boo is his family nickname that somehow was shared with a teacher in grade school (shared by B.) and has followed H. throughout high school. He sort of secretly likes that girls call him 'Boo', I think.

After his girlfriend left, I said 'H., I have something I need to ask you'. He looked terrified. I said 'how is it kissing her since she had her lip pierced? Doesn't it get in the way? Do you notice it?'. He smiled and said 'it's great. No and no.' End of discussion.

I love to torture my kids.

Sixteen

Sixteen years ago at this time, I was in the downhill stretch....about to deliver my second son. Induced at 6AM, his labor made his brother's 28 hour marathon look like a jog around the park. The night before, the doctor said 'he's just not ready (after inducing me that afternoon) and I said 'I am not leaving this hospital without a baby. No repeat of letting him get HUGE so he tears me to shreds upon his exit. Nope. Not happening'. She must have sensed the manic in my voice...so she kept me overnight and we tried again first thing in the morning. By the time J. arrived around 8ish, I was well 'under way' and H. was officially on his way into the world. It was a breeze of a labor and when he finally popped out around 12:15 PM, I said 'that was great! Let's do it again'. I can't explain the sense of triumph I felt - this was how it was supposed to be. A woman's body knows what to do and it does it - perfectly. His birth was a breeze from start to finish and I was so relieved to have had a 'good birth experience' to replace the horrible birth experience that was B.'s. Not that B. had anything to do with that - and he most certainly was worth all of it. But I felt betrayed at his birth - my body did not just easily 'eject' him from his place just under my heart. H. was just quickly and expediently evicted...and arrived with a lot of hair and the sweetest little face. Upon his arrival, I talked to my mom and said 'he's so, so cute...but he doesn't look anything like B.'. She would agree with me in person a week later when she arrived to help out. He peed all over her the first time she changed his diaper - and that simple act fits him perfectly - he's sweetness incarnate with a bit of spunk mixed in just to keep you on your toes. He had all of us wrapped around his little finger from the moment he was born - and no one more so than my mother. She adored him. She adored B., too - but babies were her thing and H. was a cutie patootie and she doted on him from the minute she set eyes on him.

B. was often referred to as a 'beautiful' baby - and he was. H. was just plain cute - his little nose, his head of thick, dark hair. He was far more stoic than his brother - he rarely smiled for cameras - B. would light up like a fire cracker if you pointed a camera his way. H. would look at you like 'what?' most of the time and it took a lot of cajoling to get him to smile. Most photographers (including us) just gave up and settled for a picture of him looking at you all 'pouty'....like 'can we just get this over with now, please'. It became his trademark...and still fits him. He's pretty shy in many ways - avoids the spotlight. Doesn't like to be in front of a crowd. Even family - he's reserved and quiet and introspective - all in good ways.

It is hard for me to look at him today and see how fast time has passed. He's close to six feet tall already and still growing. Dark, thick hair (like his father's) with the famous [insert our last name] eyebrows - the kind that give Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes a run for their money. H. hates them and wants to have them waxed....and I think 'oh, please don't be the kind of 'Gen-X'r' guy that gets his eyebrows done. It just isn't natural for a guy to WAX his eyebrows. They give H. character...and they fit his face....his lovely, sweet, handsome face. The only thing he got from me are hazel eyes - which change color (like mine) depending on what he's wearing. Some days, steel blue. Other days, pale gray. Sometimes bright green. He says they drive the ladies wild...and I can understand that since he is so incredibly handsome...

My baby is sixteen today. I remember thinking 'when B. graduates from high school, H. will be sixteen and I'll be one year away from being 50'. All those thoughts ran through my head this time sixteen years ago...and fast forward in what seems like a blink of an eye - and here we are. It shocks me....

I'm not melancholy at all today, though this post sure seems like I am. I'm not. He's a wonderful son who makes me proud everyday. He's got a great heart and a kind soul. He wants to enlist in the Marines when he graduates from high school and then go to college after. He feels called to serve - and I'm starting to 'see' that it's something he feels strongly he needs to do. I admire that about him. And I will let him go because like any parent, I want my children to find their bliss in whatever way they feel will bring them satisfaction and joy. That's all I want for them - to find joy in their life and to do good work.

This is my favorite picture of H., taken when he was approaching 2. This is his typical reaction to cameras of any kind - and one of many pictures we have of him as a baby with no smile. I love this one....

Happy 16th, my sweet boy. I love you more than words can express and I am very proud of you.

Races

We spent the day in Anderson, CA yesterday at the 2nd Annual Northern California Vintage Midget races. My sister K. and her husband B. drove their motor home from Arizona for the event.

The drive up was pretty - further North on I-5 than we'd ever been. The last time we drove to Oregon (when H. was an infant and B. was 2 1/2), we lived in the Bay Area and there's a completely different freeway from Hayward that 'meets' I-5'. So this trip, from the central valley, took us straight up I-5. We learned a lot. California is a big rice producer, and north of Sacramento, we saw hundreds of rice paddies. It was incredible...made me want to learn all about the process of growing rice - why the fields are flooded. How long they stay so wet. How is the rice harvested? and cleaned? It was a neat thing to see and I had no idea our state produces so much rice!

The races were a lot of fun....brother-in-law B. drove a sprint car. We met a lot of really great people who travel all over the country to race their vintage cars. It was loads of fun - and even the long drive to/from was pleasant enough. I got a lot of reading done and made it through half of the third Twilight books, Eclipse. It was a fun visit. We left a bit earlier than we'd planned when the boys informed me the 'air-soft' war they were planning to attend on Sunday evening turned out to be scheduled for last evening - so we left around 4. Sorry for the rushed departure, K....the kids had a good time at the air soft war and were really thankful we were able to get home in time. B. doesn't get off work very often on weekends and he'd been looking forward to this for a really long time.

Today is the 9 year anniversary of my mom's death. She has been on my mind all day...and I actually dreamed about her last night. I've had this 'repeating' dream off and on for years - I'm in school, and have never attended a [insert subject here - it changes now and then in the dream] class. The semester is almost over, I'm supposed to graduate and I know that I have not attended any of this class. Not one day. The dream comes now and then, usually when I'm 'stressed' about something. And last night, I had the same dream. Only this time, I sat down with my mom and told her 'I have never attended that class. I will not pass. I will not graduate'. And she didn't get mad or angry. She just smiled and said 'I know. And it's OK.'

It would take (more) years of therapy to figure that dream out - but I think it was just a 'letting go' of a lot of stuff I've held in for nine years. I started to write a post all about the day before she died...but I decided to let it go. Nothing I write will change a single thing about the day before and day of her death...and reliving it all again will just increase the sadness I already feel every anniversary, anyway. So I'm letting it go. I miss her. She knows I miss her. That's enough. Nine years went by in the blink of an eye - and it's really confirming what I've realized recently with the death of Mr. B. - life goes on. People who love you are sad and miss you - but life goes on. Life doesn't stop. It doesn't come to a screeching halt, as your heart thinks it will. It just goes on. There's a lot of comfort in that.

Tomorrow is H.'s 16th birthday - he doesn't want a party. He doesn't want a cake. I'm baking him brownies and cookies from scratch and he's having a friend (girl) over to swim tomorrow. We may go out to dinner, we may not. He's playing it low key. We ordered him an i-Pod touch for his birthday - and I'm dying to get one for my birthday which is in a week. But we're spending a ton of money these days (B.'s graduation present needs to be purchased and then we have his school expenses to pay)....so I'm going to hold off. I think an i-Pod touch for my 50th (next year) will be a good present for that occasion. My 49th doesn't require anything special. I need nothing. I want nothing. I have everything I could possibly want or need.

We have had a Chloe-free weekend. We pick her up tomorrow. It's been very, VERY nice to have the peaceful morning quiet back....but we have missed our constant greeter, entertainer, cuddler, etc. She will come home exhausted and thinner as she always does. She loves the kennel - there were 4 little dogs there on Friday when I dropped her off - and she was so excited to see them, she could hardly wait to get to where they were. She trotted right off and went to play. I don't worry anymore when she's there - I know she's absolutely fine and having a ball. She'll have another week there in July when we're in Cancun. Even Klink has missed her - he keeps coming down here looking for her and meowing a bit plaintively trying to figure out where she's gone.

Looking forward to B.'s graduation - yes, he's graduating. The grades aren't great but they are passing...and at this point, it is what it is and there's no point in wishing it were something different. Time to move on and move forward. College will be a fresh start - and he knows that he has one semester to get it right. A "C" average or better...nothing less. Anything less will mean he's off our dime and will need to begin taking steps to become self supporting. It's a hard line to take - but I know we will take it. We would not be doing him any favors to continue to let him be un-motivated and a slug. Hard lessons ahead, I think. But oh well. No one ever said parenthood is easy....and I know that even with all the things that have happened the past few months, we still have it better than many. It could be so much worse in many ways. And I am truly thankful for that.

Endings

School is winding down. B.'s senior year is almost over. He's spent the last two weeks doing senior activities....last week, Disneyland. Yesterday was 'Beach Day' - they turn the high school pool into a 'beach' and the kids hang out all day and swim, eat, etc. Kind of like our Senior ditch day - only we didn't have a pool at our high school, so we went to Big Surf ('beach' like place with wave machine) for the day. I remember Mr. B. being totally 'upset' that I was actually ditching - me, Ms. Follow All Rules....but I did ditch. And it felt great and I had a great time. B. had a good time, too, except his best friend deciding to skip the pool party and go golfing. With his girlfriend. I think B. was disappointed by that - but it's a life lesson: a guy with a girlfriend is likely to start spending a lot of time with the girlfriend and less time with his best friend. It hurts but it's the truth.

B.'s grades are continuing their downward trend, and it appears there is actually a possibility that he may not graduate....very slight, but possible. He assures us he 'has it under control'. I don't know how that's possible in looking at the grade book - but I'm trying not to think too much about it. It is what it is at this point and no amount of fretting on my part is going to change anything. If he fails a course and they hold his diploma, he'll spend the summer taking an online course to offset the grade...I hope.

I'm sending out his graduation announcements tomorrow (yes, they are late but it can't be helped. Too many things to do and not enough time). [And yes, I have been ruminating about 'well, should I send announcements when there exists the slightest chance he may not actually get his diploma on the 30th?....but he will graduate....and so I'm sending them. It will work out and he will graduate....so I am proceeding as planned. What else can I do?] I was all set to arrive home last night and get right to them - but instead, arrived home and arranged an impromptu pizza party for H. and 4 friends who were in the pool and hot tub when I arrived home. It was 'fun' in a crazy sort of way. Damn dog barks like a maniac CONSTANTLY when there are 'strangers' in the house...but other than that, it was a nice evening.

We are heading to Anderson, CA this weekend to visit my sister and her hubby, who are attending a racing event. My brother-in-law is famous....it's true. If you follow racing, you'd probably know his name...when I asked my sister how we will find her, and she asked her husband, he said 'just have her ask for [insert his name here]'s pit - and they'll know where we are'. And he's right....he's pretty well known. I've found a lot of old racing programs with him on the cover and/or inside - and I bought a few for my sister to use in the 'man-shrine' room they have in their house. A sweeter guy (well, second sweetest since my J. is the sweetest) doesn't exist on the planet and he has not a bit of 'star-stuffiness' about him. We're really excited to be spending the day with them, in a race environment....the boys are stoked. We're taking Chloe to the kennel just so we won't have to worry about her all day and into the late evening. We can do what we want...all weekend. We'll pick her up Monday afternoon.

And Monday is H.'s 16th birthday. I consider the shopping for this occasion pretty much 'done' since there's a 'new' (used) car parked in front of our house. Now, we're definitely not the kind of people that buy their child a car for their birthday...it just happened to be that we found a great deal on a great car and we snapped it up - and it coincided with H.'s birthday. SCORE! No shopping! And now, whenever he asks for money for something, I point to the car parked on the curb in front of our house - and that answers his question. He's going to do some work around here for me this summer (weeds, helping to build raised beds for veggies, etc.) and will be reffing for soccer this summer/fall, too. That's GREAT money for weekend work. He's already scoping out sub-woofers, etc.

Work is hectic as usual. I am heading to Stockton today for a huge budget meeting - none of the measures on the ballot yesterday passed, which means our revenue is being reduced AGAIN for this year (the year that is OVER in six weeks, by the way - so they're cutting revenue for the year that we are currently IN for expenses that we've already INCURRED and cannot 'un-incur'. Pretty damn hard to reduce expenses that have already happened). Not to mention additional reductions next year....our district is very, VERY fortunate but some districts are not so lucky - many will be 'in the red' officially, which is bad in so many ways....it's crazy that our state is unable to balance a budget. It's going to be very challenging to put together the budget that's due to our Board on June 16th with all the changes that will now be needed since the measures didn't pass. Long days ahead...

Time to head upstairs and start the day. Dishwasher humming along. 2nd latte consumed. Have Map Quested my destination and need to find a Starbucks enroute for my daily stop for tea.