Travel

I am heading to Arizona on Friday by myself. A rare and wonderful event, for sure, since traveling as a singleton is certainly easier than traveling as a family of four. And I will be spending the weekend with my zany, fun, lovely sister K. who I can't wait to see and party with and visit with. It's going to be a great time - time with her always is.

However, I am freaking out - because that's what I do before I put myself on a plane and fly anywhere. There are so many things I should write down for J. so that in the 'unlikely event we experience a sudden decrease in cabin pressure', etc., and I don't return in one piece, he'll know what to do. I know he'd manage fine - but there are a lot of 'things' that I worry he'll forget. Like:

The pets need water. Not just food. Water. Everyday. Without fail.

Turn off the light in your closet. Double check 'cuz you seem to be leaving it on frequently.

The various passwords I've set up for online bill pay; online access to all of our accounts. I have a document that shows them all but then THAT document is password protected as well - so where do I put that password? In yet another document with still another password? (You see how I can make myself crazy with this stuff?)

And don't even get me started on the kids. I mean, if anything were to (God forbid) happen to me, there would be three males unattended in this house. I can't even think about it. I know they would be fine. They would. But would they bathe? Buy food? Ever mop the kitchen floor? The list is endless. And then add to that all the 'life' things I want to impart before I leave their lives.

I know - it's ridiculous. You can only imagine what I went through last summer when we went to Hawaii for 10 days - all of us. I had to be absolutely sure that clear instructions were left for whomever arrived at our house post-tragedy. That and ensuring the baseboards were cleaned.

It's crazy, I know. I will in all likelihood have a wonderful trip and arrive home safely as scheduled. And I know that when your time is up, it's up. I could just as easily slip on something left in my garage and whack my head on the cement and be gone - and I CERTAINLY don't think about that everyday.

It's just something about getting on a plane, I guess. And leaving the 3 most important people in my entire life. And I know they will be OK for the weekend and would be for longer, if that's Gods plan - they are all smart, resilient, kind and loving and they would make it through without me no problem. Kind of like William and Harry only without all the pomp and circumstance. But still....

God, keep me and those I love safe. Thank you and amen.

Talking

Will talk to the blogosphere since there's no one here. J. took the boys to see the new Die Hard movie - something the three of them will love every minute of and me, not so much. So I opted to stay home and have mopped the kitchen floor, shredded a bunch of stuff in my shred basket and am now watching Law and Order CI. There's ALWAYS an L&O episode on somewhere. Yesterday, J. took the kids to Hayward to see their visiting cousin and the quiet of the house was too 'heavy' for me. So I cruised the cable channels and found great movies to keep me company. American President, Fun with Dick and Jane and Apollo 13. Three movies I love and that passed the time and helped me feel less 'lonely'. Which I'm not. But I felt it just the same.

Today, I watched the Concert for Diana live on VH1 on the internet and marveled at how technology is enhancing our lives. It was great - and while it was obvious that certain things were edited (likely for the TV special broadcast this evening), it was still a great show. I remember the day she died like it was yesterday. The news announcer was 'stalling' - and said at one point that there were reports that she was up and about...and then, within minutes, the real announcement that she had died. I sat on the couch in our condo in Hayward, put my head in my hands and cried. I felt so sad for her sons. As is evident, they have turned out wonderfully and their dad - who I always felt was a cad of major proportion and whom I've never forgiven for not loving her as she deserved to be loved - has done a great job raising them. They are wonderful young men and she is very proud of them, I'm sure.

J. and I got up on Monday morning and walked 1.5 miles. By the end of the walk, the 'twinges' in my lower back were hammers and by Tuesday, I was pretty miserable. Made it through Tuesday and the long Board meeting that evening. But by Wednesday, I was done. I spent the latter part of the week suffering from my 'back' flaring up. Worked 1/2 days W-Fri - but Friday was really a full day 'off' since I'd already planned to be off 1/2 day in the afternoon. I ended up not going in at all. Missed a CBO class which is a very bad thing - now I'll have to go to either Alameda or Santa Cruz to make it up. But that's what I'll do. I am avoiding pulling weeds at all costs. No bending, stooping, prolonged sitting, etc. I'm doing a lot better but it is still 'sore' and I feel it when I move. So carefully, I will go. Hopefully, we'll be able to start walking every morning again tomorrow.

This week, I'm only in the office for two days. Then the holiday. Then a day off. Then heading to Phoenix to visit my older sister and 'celebrate' her recent 'dissolution'. I know it will be 'fun' but I know there's a lot of sadness there for her, as well. We will make the best of it and enjoy a fun visit that will go by too quickly. But, it will give us a reason to schedule another one SOON.

Bug, I owe you a call. Sorry I missed the call on Friday evening. I thought I heard my cell phone buzzing but I didn't realize until this morning on the way to church that I had missed a call. I'll try to call you this week sometime.

Differences

A couple in New Zealand is not being allowed to name their newborn '4real' because the 'rules' say names cannot start with a number. While another mother in Great Britain has given her newborn daughter TWENTY FIVE middle names. Which she (the mother) apparently has herself. It took her until she was 10 to memorize all her names.

The couple naming the child '4Real' said they came up with it when they had their first sonogram and their upcoming arrival became 'real'. I think it's cute. And meaningful. For now, they're just calling him 'Real'. Which is also a good, meaningful name. And they have the rest of their lives full of 'Real' to experience just how real it is and how real it's gonna get.

Blessings to both new arrivals and their folks.

Didn't

First, I was going to apply. Then I wasn't. Then I was. Then I wasn't. Then I was - and did - only I didn't get it all together fast enough [it took way longer than I thought to update my resume and find my transcripts] and then I would have had to drive like a maniac all the way to Pleasanton. Started to - got all the way to the on ramp to the freeway and then thought 'this is crazy. Risking life and limb to apply'. So I turned around and went back home.

If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. And if it opens again, I have everything ready in a nice, neat packet. 'Cuz the thing is: I like my current job. It's a good job. But I don't love my current job - and I did love my former job a lot. So going back there is better for my soul than staying here.

So I'll just have to wait and see. If they find someone else that's perfect for the job, then good for them. And I'll still be fine.

Oceans

We saw Oceans 13 this afternoon and it was GREAT! I loved it, loved it, LOVED IT! Almost as much as Oceans 11 and much more than Oceans 12.

I saw Oceans 11 in October, 2002. I remember that easily because I was laid off in October of that year and found myself unemployed with time on my hands. Thankful for a severance amount that let me take some time 'off' to think about what I wanted to do.

One weekday, I went to the movies. It was the very first show of the day - the popcorn was amazingly fresh and delicious. And I saw Oceans 11 - enjoying a bit of eye candy known as George and Brad. It was 2 hours of pure enjoyment - and it felt so neat to be at the movies on a weekday morning. I still remember that day - when I felt 'full or possibilities'. I was POd at my former company (still am) but I knew I would be OK. And at that point, I was just thinking about being off for a reason other than being pregnant or having just had a baby. It was great.

So go see the movie. It's great. Really great!!! And if you can somehow go on a weekday, alone, playing 'hooky' from whatever your responsibilities are, it'll be that much better!

Planning

We finalized a Spring Break trip to Kauai in March, 2008. We've rented a two bedroom condo with ocean views. Looked into using frequent flyer mileage but because it's during Spring Break, it will be 70K miles for one ticket - so we have enough for 2 and then will have to buy two. But we made reservations on ATA - $450 each round trip AND from Oakland instead of SFO, which saves over an hour of driving time. The 4 tickets cost us just slightly more than 2 would have on United - so we will save our mileage for when the kids are in college and we can actually go somewhere on a more 'spur of the moment' basis - can't wait for that. We're looking forward to the trip - we didn't take any 'vacation' this year because of my new job and B. being in summer school. So we'll be more than ready for 8 days of R&R on the beach. The kids want to go scuba diving and surfing. I want to sail, go to a luau and spend a lot of time just enjoying being so near the ocean. I'm already looking into buying 'rash guard' shirts for all of us - so when we go sailing or diving or are just hanging out, we will be protected from the sun. No repeat of the seriously SERIOUS sunburn I got on our trip to Maui last year. No way.

B. is enjoying his 'freedom' - driving to and from school, to friends houses for band practice. Also to music lessons and the orthodontist. That was really cool - neither of us had to arrange to take him. There's a lot to be said for independence. It's nice to have fewer 'errands' to run or places to be, now that he's driving himself.

We're taking care of the D. family dog and we're pretty worried about him. He's been in failing health for some time and he is really not well. When I went to get the key, S. said they've taken him to the vet and there's not anything to be done - he's not doing very well. He is the sweetest dog - and so weak at the moment that his back legs are failing and he ends up on the ground and not able to get himself back up. They will be home on Sunday and until then, I'm just worried about him. J. has been going over to check on him 'cuz I'm afraid to have me or B. go for fear the dog will be gone. I just hope he's OK until Sunday when they get home. He is eating well, drinking, peeing, pooping - but he's getting weaker everyday. Sad to see.

We have no plans this weekend, which is a rare thing. B. is playing drums again at two services on Sunday morning - but other than that - oh, and H. is going to a birthday party on Saturday afternoon - we have no plans. I'm hoping to work on the house, the yard, take a nap or two and enjoy a little rest. I may go to work for a bit - but probably not. I have a lot of filing to do, but it can wait - I'll have time next week to do that stuff and K. will help me.

It's been a busy and productive week. I accomplished a lot and I feel really good about that. My boss complimented me on my work and said he was proud of me - he knows I've been a nervous wreck about the budget but it came together fine and he was pleased with my presentation packet for the Board meeting this coming week. I'm just glad to have it 'done' - and now can move on to the next big job - closing the year out.

The college job closes on Monday and at the moment, I am not planning to apply. I conveyed that info to my former boss last week before he left for a weeks vacation - and he was not happy. He said 'but I need you'. And I said 'it's just not the right time - and I'm starting to like what I'm doing'. Staying put feels right, for now.

Goodnight and sleep tight. Say a prayer for Klaus, the world's sweetest Labrador.

Overload

When H. was a baby, he had what would now be called a sensory overload issue. He melted down frequently. He couldn't handle loud noises, extended periods of constant 'stimulation' - noise, sights, etc.
He melted down once in a Denny's somewhere between here and Bandon, OR when he was only 2 months old - I ended up sitting outside with him trying to calm him down - walking with him, rocking, cooing, singing. Nothing worked. He screamed bloody murder for almost 30 minutes before conking out. He did the same thing on an airplane flight to Phoenix when he was two - screamed so much I had to sit by the exit door with him, as far away from everyone as possible until he finally calmed down enough to conk out. When he needs sleep, he NEEDS sleep and when he was little, he would get crazed - and 'shutting down' wasn't something he was able to do easily when we were in a place there was too much activity. He also melted down frequently on long car trips when he'd rebel against being in a car seat - he liked to sleep lying down, like most people, and would get really pissed off when confined to a seat. As if to say 'people aren't made to sleep sitting up, you know, and I just won't do it'. He still doesn't like loud noises - movies bother him. And if he's tired, he'll get pretty grumpy - and then insist he's not grumpy and he's fine. But he's learned to cope more. He doesn't melt down much anymore - it's been years since he's cried about anything because he'd 'had enough'.

I've been feeling a lot like he must have felt - when it's all just too much and you really want some quiet. A peaceful 'break' from the 'stuff' bombarding your senses and your brain. Only you can't get one. The stuff just keeps coming at you. Today, I actually had to close my office door because the 'chatter' happening in the office was making me nuts. Granted, I was noodling over some fairly large numbers and trying to reconfirm some assumptions I'd made weeks ago - which today were making no sense. But still, it's not like me to just 'hit a wall' in terms of 'overload'. But I did. And it made me remember H. and how as his mom, I learned to be aware of his 'overload' point. He has always been 'sensitive' to too much of anything, really. I was wishing there was someone who could take me to the bulkhead area and let me 'get it all out of my system'. Just for a little bit.

I have had those feelings quite a lot in this new job. It's a big job. Huge. More responsibility than I've ever had in my life - and I've always had jobs with a lot of responsibility. It's not that I can't do it - not that I'm not capable of doing the job. It's just being sure the desire to do it is there - being 'up' for the challenge is a relative term 'cuz some days, I'm just too pooped to be 'up' for much of anything. Overwhelmed is a good word to use to describe it - it's honestly the only word that's adequate. And I've rarely used that word in my life - but use it frequently now. It's a lot of work - and the level of hutspa needed to keep all the balls in the air appropriately, with the velocity and the number of the airborne objects varying day to day, sometimes minute by minute is challenging. And I'm someone who juggles pretty well -

The good news is - my district has a budget. Or they will have when the Board hopefully approves it next week. It is 'done' - though there is still a lot of stuff to do to prepare for the Board meeting - but the budget itself is prepared and downloaded and analyzed and documented. To the 'n-th' degree.

After weeks of 13+ hour days, back to back, I left after only a 9 hour day today - at 3:30. Came home and rested a bit - not a nap really, just dozed. So tired. And now I'm actually cooking dinner for the family - a rare event lately.

Tomorrow, I will be right back at it - still much to do and I haven't touched any of my 'regular' work for the past few days. And year-end is looming - it's also a 'big job' and it's all mine. So the summers will be a lot busier around here from now on.

I feel up for the challenge. But I am hoping to not need to work this weekend - I could really use two days off in a row! Like H., I'll learn to cope and figure out ways to destress before I freak out. I hope. Otherwise, it's going to be a long haul until retirement.