Intensive

I compose posts in my head throughout the hectic craziness of my week...and here I am, home alone, 1/2 a day into a few days off - and I can't think of anything to write.

Wait - that's not true. I can think of plenty of things - just not anything I have the energy to write at the moment.

I don't want this to be an 'addiction recovery' blog....so much of what surrounds us these days revolves around H. and his treatment and his 'recovery'. He's coming home in just a week - when I mentioned this to a co-worker/friend today, he startled - said 'already'? And we 'did the math' together and yes, in fact, it has been 30 days a week from this Saturday and he is leaving the inpatient facility and coming home.

The intensive out patient (IOP for short) begins the following Tuesday - Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday evenings from 5PM - 8PM. I'm not sure how exactly we're going to wedge that in - with 1.5 hours travel each way on top of the time we're there - but we're going to. The other options are further east of us - about the same # of miles just the opposite direction. And at least if we stay in Oakland, J. will only be about 30 minutes away via BART. If we try any other program out this way, he'll be taking 1.75 hours to get here (home) and then another hour to get to the meetings...so that truly won't work. Unless he could go part time for awhile - and he can't. Nor can I.

I'll be spending time on the phone tomorrow calling around a couple other possibilities - but they don't look promising. Adolescent treatment is very different from adult treatment - and that makes finding a comparable program (comparable to what he's had in his 30 day in patient) a challenge.

Recovery is a family deal. I get that. I'm not sure I really understood that until we were in the thick of it this past month - but now, I do. It's for ALL of us - not just H. And it is as emotionally draining and exhausting as I ever imagined - maybe more so, even.

It's going 'well'. But 30 days is very, very short - and we are reminded of that on a regular basis. H. is engaged and learning and wants to stay clean. I believe that. I'm just not convinced he will be able to - and his imminent return to our home is really bringing that home for me tonight...sitting here in the house alone. We are in for a very long haul with him - and I'm sort of hoping I'm 'up' for it.

I tend to be a very black and white person in many ways. I see gray very well - I know gray exists. I spend a good portion of my life discerning levels of gray and deciding what shade is appropriate and acceptable vs. not. I coach people all day on acceptable levels of gray vs. not gray. So it's not that I can't see gray - I can. But with H., I see no gray. He will stay clean or he won't. And if he doesn't/won't, then we'll have to really decide what other options we have - 'cuz I know myself. I'm not going to be on this journey with him forever. It's not that I don't want him to be successful and won't do everything I can to help him be successful. We're signing on to adjust our work and life schedules to accommodate driving 55 miles each way three times a week to help and support him. And I'll do that - for as long as it helps. But if he uses again - if he makes the choice to throw out all he's learned; to forget how desperately he wanted to quit (he wanted to go to rehab - he was not forced - he wants to be there); to choose getting high with friends vs. sticking with the program he's been immersed in for 30 days and will be immersed in weekly - then I know myself. My 'black and white' gene will kick in full force - and I'm not sure what I will be able to 'handle'.

There are parents we've met who's children are at the treatment center H. is at because their child was in trouble and they told the court system they couldn't control him anymore - so the child was placed in a group home and is living at the facility undergoing drug counseling. There are parents who's kids are there as a condition of probation - or as their 'sentence' for various issues with the law. We aren't there yet - and I'm grateful we aren't. But it really has me struggling with 'what if'. What if my black and white kicks in - what are we going to do with him?

I have missed him the past few weeks - but truthfully, our home has been peaceful. The stress of dealing with an addict every day is gone. No constant bargaining, negotiating, arguing. No constant vigilance about every little thing. No walking on eggshells 'cuz you're too tired to want to deal with him and don't want to risk something flaring up. Our eagerness to accept and believe what he says is gone - there is no trust. There won't be trust for a very, very long time. He knows that. Still, he pushes. It's his nature. It's the nature of an addict.

In our group family counseling session last night (multiple families with the parents and kids attending together), the kids (addicts) want their parents to trust them again. The parents want their kids to stop using. It's all pretty simple. They want trust - we want them to not use. And that dynamic plays out over and over and over. They attempt to negotiate the 'terms of their release'. We (especially the moms 'cuz it's just in our blood) want to protect them and keep them close and limit their freedom so they won't use. But the truth is: they will use if they choose to use. We can't keep them locked up. We can't keep them in a bubble. And their opportunity to find their 'medicine' - or find something that will become their 'new' medicine - is far greater than our abilities as parents to keep them from finding it. Or keep them from using. It's really up to them -

The same friend who 'startled' at the realization that the month of H.'s in patient stay is almost over also startled to my comment 'we can't control him. He will choose to use or not use - and there's not much we can do about that. He has to decide'. He said 'I can't fathom that - and then, I realize that my son is 5 years old and I DO control virtually every part of his life - so I can't imagine how it will be to not do that'. I said 'he will grow up. He will realize that you didn't hang the moon and the stars and he'll realize he is his own person. He has free will. And there's not much you can do about the choices he makes when he's out there living his life on his own. '

I told my cousin S. on Facebook chat the other day 'I'm not going to be on this treadmill we've been on, running along happily doing the best we can for him and for us - and he walks by and pulls the plug out of the wall randomly so we go skidding across the floor - over and over and over." She typed back 'LOL - at the analogy, not the situation'. That analogy is what our lives have been for the past year. We're on the treadmill - sometimes at a nice, even, steady pace. Sometimes jogging a bit. Other times running as fast as we can, as far as we can - just to keep up. And he nonchalantly comes by and yanks the plug out of the wall - no warning. No 'hey, I'm about to disconnect so hang on'. Just yanks the plug - and like some cartoon, we go flying across the room, skidding on the floor, watching the bruises show up as soon as we hit the hard surface. The bruises stay for a really long time - and they take forever to disappear. As bruises do....

That's what it's been like for us the last year.

And I know myself. There's only so much time I can handle the treadmill and the skidding across the room before my self-protection mode kicks in. And I will boot him the heck off my treadmill and out of the room and out of this house - quickly, with finality. Always loving him. But not welcoming his addict self back into my life to keep me running at a break-neck speed. Not happening.

I bruise too easily.....

And that's what scares me the most about this situation - I bruise easily. I don't heal quickly. And he is an addict - a recovering addict, we hope. But an addict - and bruising the people around him comes easily to someone craving their next fix.

I don't want to lose him....

Up

Temps are finally UP, UP, UP - it's 95 degrees outside!! Pool cover is in place and the pool is already up to 78!

To celebrate the weather, J. and I are watching the movie "Up" - it's really cute! Nice winding down way to end the weekend.

The house is very quiet....son #1 is playing paintball today - and son #2 is...well, we have no idea what he's doing but we know he's safe and well cared for. J. saw him yesterday and he's doing well. I will see him Tuesday. He's 25% done with his stay - and he's counting the days. I try not to think too far ahead - just one day at a time for now.

I've worked the last 38 days - I counted. And I've been sick for about 30 of those. Today, I feel pretty good - and I finally have my appetite back. To celebrate, I'm making a 7-Up pound cake with blueberry sauce and whip cream!

Hoping for some time off soon....

Oil

My career goal, throughout grade school, high school and even in college, was to be an oceanographer. I grew up spending time weekly by the ocean and it was (and still is) my absolute favorite place to be. Any ocean. None disappoint. I am happiest when I'm near waves and surf and wind and I feel a part of every living creature who lives in or near the ocean.

The events of the BP oil debacle are so sad. I've never taken a stand pro or con regarding off-shore drilling. It seems reasonable that:

a) we need oil to lessen our dependence on foreign oil, and;
b) most of our planet is covered in water, therefore;
c) some oil supplies are under water; therefore,
d) if we want that oil, we have to figure out a way to get it out from the ground which is under oceans.

I've lived my entire life not giving a lot of thought to what would happen IF the oil from under the ground under the ocean was somehow not coming out all nicely controlled and piped where it belongs, but instead, was pouring out of the ground, thousands of feet below the ocean's surface and entering the ocean. And I never, ever, in a zillion years imagined that IF that were to happen, the oil companies apparently have absolutely no idea what to do about it. They never considered this would ever, EVER happen - that seems obvious.

I saw a Facebook post about 'where are all the stars to do a concert for the oil disaster - to raise funds to help with cleanup, etc. and to help those affected? Cut and paste if you agree'. And for me, the difference is: this isn't a natural disaster. This isn't something out of man's control - like tsunamis or earthquakes. This is a man-made disaster. It was caused by BP being negligent and greedy and careless and....I can't even think of adjectives strong enough to describe them. This entire debacle is at their design, really - never planning for this worst case scenario; having no real idea of exactly what to do. So that's why there's no real rally for people getting on planes and going to help - no one knows exactly what to do. They don't know how to stop it. They can't entirely cap it. And at the moment, it appears it will 'leak' massive amounts of crude until the underground supply is gone. And who knows how long that will be.

Now that this has happened, there is no way I can ever be even remotely supportive of off-shore drilling - ever. IF this incident had resulted in a fairly quick 'fix' - if the 'spill' had been controlled within a matter of days, or even a week or so - then I think I could deal with it. But it's been 50+ days - and it's still gushing.

No one knows what to do about it. Not BP. Not our government. No one.

And that is the one scenario I never imagined - there isn't anyone who knows exactly what to do....and we're killing our ocean because of it.

Freeways

We're already becoming overly familiar with the route between here and there. Today was the third round-trip we've made in 4 days. We have a series of classes; visits; etc. all carefully orchestrated. And logistically challenging - we're at least an hour away and that's if there's absolutely no backups or traffic of any kind. Which of course so rarely happens.

Today we were pretty 'on track' - though it felt (and was) a bit rushed. There were major slowdowns for a pretty good chunk of the drive and as usual, I stress out over timing....not wanting to be late for our first 'family' meeting (which is with family members of the kids in treatment - the kids do not attend. Just the adults in their lives). Slow downs all along the way. We were briefly distracted by the site of a brand new Lamborghini - still had the dealer plates on it from Orange County. It was hard to miss with bright yellow coloring and some kind of 'intake vents' along the side. What a sight - and since H. has always loved that car, we tried to snap a picture of it for him. Silly - but I did manage to get part of it from the window as it zoomed by.

Shortly after that picture, after the Lambo had sped off to freeways unknown, I saw something alive skittering across the freeway....and totally freaked out. Said 'it's an animal' and watched as all the other cars in the other lanes slowed - and the poor car just to the right of us froze in it's tracks as the creature came to rest just in front of their car. It was right about then we noticed what it was - A FISH! It had apparently splashed out of an ice chest - landed on the freeway - and 'flopped' across several lanes of traffic. I can't tell you how relieved I felt upon realizing it was a fish. I don't know what that says about me - I mean, fish are God's creatures as much as anything else - but I was so relieved to not be witnessing the death of a 4-legged creature. A fish! Flopping across traffic! It was somewhat amusing - and a good 'stress relief'. We can use all the stress relief we can get at this point.

We arrived in time for the family meeting; met with the counselor that will be 'our' counselor (for the three of us plus H.) during H.'s stay there; and then went upstairs to visit H. Poor guy - all the other parents had already headed upstairs to visit and we were still in the basement of the building meeting with the counselor. He was (seemed) happy to see us - at least happy to know we had not failed to show up - or had shown up and left without seeing him. As if. We arrived with the piles of things he needed and had failed to pack for himself - the kid packed NO underwear. They called us to let us know they were buying a package for him - and he told us today they did buy him some, but they were 'tighty whiteys' and he told the person 'um, thanks, but no way. Not wearing those'. Which essentially means he's been wearing the same pair of boxers for the last 3 days....boys will be boys.

We continue to feel he's in good hands and in the best place possible. But as we were reminded today, he is there for an incredibly short time (relative to making any confirmed progress towards dealing with his addiction) - and we struggle with that. Sure, he can end up there again - should he end up in trouble legally, he could be assigned to live there for some time. But we're there as 'hospital' patients, essentially - a short-term stay which will give him intensive therapy and counseling - but it's only 30 days. We're hopeful - but realistic. As they've instructed us to be. Hard to know what to hope for.....just hope, I guess. Hope for hopes sake - that's something.

I celebrated my 50th yesterday by going to the doctor, who took a look and said 'um, antibiotic shot NOW, with 10 days of the same antibiotic in pill form and uh, just a suggestion, but you might try to actually rest for a bit'. So I did. Still so far from NOT having the district's budget done, it's ridiculous - but I came home 'early' (worked 1/2 day) and slept most of the day. AND totally throwing caution to the wind again today, I have not worked. Yet. There's still 5 hours in the 'day' so we'll see. Then again, I'm exhausted and thinking that going to bed really early (now) would be great and I can hit the work hard tomorrow - 24 hours in every day and it will get done. It will......OH YES IT WILL.

We make the trip again on Tuesday - classes for all three of us together -

The Day I Cried About a Bucket of Chicken

Wow...what a day....

I will always remember this 2nd to the last day of my 40's as the day I teared up at the thought of a bucket of fried chicken.

We were at H.'s appointment for close to FIVE HOURS. What an experience.....history was shared. Decisions were considered, discussed, re-considered, re-discussed - and then decisions were finalized in hugely rapid order. Shocking all of us. We backed up a bit, re-discussed and have a plan.

On the way home, we tried to decide what to have for dinner. I suggested a bucket of fried chicken. Raley's had a great 'deal' - a 16 piece bucket of awesome fried chicken for $9.99. J. hesitated. And within seconds, it hit me. We don't need a 16 piece bucket of chicken....because H. won't be home for awhile.

On the last day of my 40's, we will return to where we spent the day today - and we will be leaving H. there for an as yet undetermined in-patient stay.

On the day before I officially turn 50, we are taking our just turned 17 year old to rehab.

I teared up at the thought of a bucket of chicken....how we can't eat that much chicken without the never-ending appetite of son #2.

I miss him already......

Please pray.

Croaky

I've made myself a strong cup of decaf English breakfast tea with honey....as hot as I can stand. I'm sipping away hoping it will soothe my sore throat. I am croaky. I sound terrible. And it's the kind of scratchy throat that leads to 'tickles' all night long so I have had very non-restful sleep for three nights now. I should be dead on my feet but adrenaline is keeping me going. Worked all three days of the three day weekend - a half day Saturday, all day Sunday and a 2 hour day yesterday - I should have stayed longer but it was another very stress-filled day on the home front and I needed to just try to rest. Didn't. But I tried.

We have an appointment with H. tomorrow - he needs help. We need help. Still wavering on if/what to write about. On the one hand, this blog has always been for me. But it's hard realizing that if I write what I feel, what's in my heart, it's out there for all eternity. And even I - Ms. 'Tell It Like It Is' - has to reckon with just how all this turns out in the end. And how it reads as it's happening. So I'm editing a bit. A lot, really....

I feel like we're at a crossroads of sort....a parenting nexus that requires we continue to hold him accountable. We've been doing that all along - but truth be told, he just isn't. He's living in an alternate universe of his own making and his own choosing and while we thought we were holding our own; thought we were making steady progress forward, we recently realized we haven't been even treading water. Slowly sinking is what it now feels like - we just didn't realize how close to being fully submerged we were.

But now we know. Last Wednesday changed our lives forever. And his, too. And while everyone who's walked this path with their own kids keeps reassuring me that someday, this will all be a dim memory and we'll be coming out the other side OK and 'better' for the journey, I sure don't see that ever happening. Don't feel like it will ever happen. It's dark and cold and swirling all around us - and we're just making every effort to hold on. To our marriage. To each other. Making sure we do what we have to do to survive: eat, sleep, go to work, come home, repeat. There's a whole lot of other crap mixed in there....tons of crap. And I'll save you all the details....for now.

I hope tomorrow - another Wednesday - will be what we need. For all of us. Mostly for him - 'cuz I know that parenting is a tough job and we signed on for it and we're doing it. Come hell or high water, we ARE doing it. But if he finds what he needs, it will help us a lot....and we need help ourselves. We really do. Loving him unconditionally is easy. Liking him even slightly is pretty damn hard at the moment.

Red Hat

Yes, there was a party.... and it was absolutely WONDERFUL. A surprise party - and boy, was I surprised..... but first, I have to tell you how it all played out.....

Arrive at work around 6:30ish - hit the ground running. Office not decorated - and I have no thoughts about that at the time. It was OK. Thought 'well, I'll probably just delete my blog post 'cuz obviously, I was wrong. There's no plan....'. Moved on. Too much to do to give it another thought...and I truly didn't. I'm turning 50 next week regardless and I knew we would be 'celebrating' at some point - 'cuz we've had many milestone birthdays in our district this year and they are always celebrated appropriately.

Worked away.

Just before 9:30AM, my phone rang. And it was J. A conversation that starts with 'are you sitting down?' is usually not a good thing - though I did have a thought that perhaps we HAD finally won the lottery the night before. But no. H. was in trouble. I won't detail too much here in this post (more later) but I had to call the assistant principal. At 9:35AM, I closed my office door, called the AP, listened to the events and agreed that I would be leaving immediately to pick up H. at school. He was not allowed to stay for the remainder of the day (and 4 subsequent days....more on that later...maybe. Possibly not.)

At 9:40AM, I called my boss and let his assistant know that I had a personal emergency and was leaving my office and would return as soon as possible. She was concerned and said 'of course' and agreed to relay the message to my boss who was in a meeting. I grabbed my purse and went into our work area and said 'I have an emergency to take care of and I am leaving - not sure when I will be back'.

I pick up H. and take him home. Confiscate his cell phone and car keys. Give him a piece of my mind. Supervise him getting something to eat and send him to his room for the day where he is to remain. Call J. Ask him to come home because I feel H. shouldn't be unsupervised and I can't stay home all day.

I am upset. Teetering on the edge. I had actually had a good cry the night before - something I rarely do - but apparently needed. But the 'on the verge of tears' feeling was back. So I took a bit of time to compose myself. Got on my laptop and answered work emails. One was from my assistant - who inquired 'are you OK'? I write back 'I am but I'm not'. I explained what happened with H., let her know that I needed a bit of time to compose myself but I would be back. Said 'I need to eat something'.

A few minutes later, she writes back 'we were thinking we'd go out to eat when you got back - to get away from the office for a bit'.

I say 'well, that's nice - but I'm really not in the mood to be social today and I'm super swamped and now am even more behind having interrupted my day to retrieve my errant son from school. But thanks and if ya'll decide to go out and can bring me back something, I would really appreciate it'.

Next email is 'C. [HR Director] has been in here a couple times looking for you and I think it's kind of important'. I say 'OK' and ask her to have C. call me at home. In the mean time, I call C.'s office phone and our bosses assistant answers - I say I'm looking for C. and she says 'she must have stepped out to the restroom'. I ask her to let C. know I called and I'll be back in my office in about 30 minutes.

Another email from my assistant which says 'C. says she needs to talk to you in person so she'll wait until you get back'.

And I reply 'Ok, I'll be back in around 7 minutes - leaving momentarily'. I grabbed H.'s phone, keys, a package of Pop tarts ('cuz I really did need to eat and it was the quickest thing to grab), my purse and iced tea (homemade) and head back.

I proceed immediately to the Administration building where C.'s office is - and it's locked with a sign on it that says 'We are closed for an hour. If you need immediate assistance, please see Business Services next door'.

So I go back to my building. And walk in. And find myself being surprised by a party for the first time EVER. And what a party. They had a tea party for me - complete with china cups and saucers; scones; shortbread; little sandwiches, mini-cupcakes; cookies; lemon curd.....everything you think of when you think of a tea party. It was so awesome!! I was absolutely stunned because I never, ever imagined in a million years they would do all this - but they did. It was fantastic. My office was decked out with 30 red and purple balloons; red hat scarves had been used to make a valance over my office window. A red and purple kazoo hung from the window. There was a hat, a red feather boa and a t-shirt on my chair. Red and purple hat garlands everywhere. It was so great!!! Truly awesome. I was so stunned. I said 'everyone knows that today's not really my birthday, right? 'Cuz someone else emailed me a few minutes ago to wish me happy birthday - and it's NOT today. Ya'll know that, right? Oh, and thanks so much 'cuz now I don't need to eat POP TARTS for lunch!'

It was a great time. Truly a party/celebration I will never, ever forget and definitely made my 50th very memorable.

It was a great day.....