A few short hours after posting that last post, B. texted me a cheery 'Hi, Mom. Sorry I didn't call - I will call you soon! I love you'....which made me feel guilty re: implying he only calls when he needs funding assistance. So I edited the post - which most of you probably hadn't read before editing.
I don't want to be 'that Mom'...the one who gripes about her kids always needing money. I am that mom sometimes these days but I really don't want to be. I need to work on that.
Blessings abound and we feel fortunate to be able to help the kids now and then - though 'constant' isn't something we want to sustain long term. There's a fine line between 'generously helping' and 'we need a house with a basement 'cuz these kids will never leave'. We walk that fine line a lot lately and that's OK.
H. had chemo yesterday and was very disappointed they didn't remove the PICC line. It's a pain to be 21 and have something in your arm that you have to be 'aware' of constantly. He can't swim; can't get it wet; has to take time out twice a day for flushing it with saline and heparin. It's a PITA....and we understand. But they aren't sure he won't need more chemo and they won't know for a couple weeks. His CT scan is scheduled for next week and in two weeks, we go back to the oncologist and see what he thinks. Maybe more chemo and starting radiation? Or maybe just radiation. Whatever is needed, that's what we'll do. The nurse explained to H. that the very strong drugs they are using kill cells. That's their job. But when you put those chemicals into an IV line in the arm or hand every other week, bad things can happen. PICC lines allow the drugs to go directly into his system quickly and easily - and not being poked over and over for blood draws and IV's seems like a blessing, to me. IV's hurt. Blood draws hurt. Veins eventually collapse - so the PICC makes a lot of things much easier.
We'll see. If chemo is needed longer term, they may decide to do the central line option - which is a surgical procedure but then requires no cautionary activities at all. The beauty of him being able to shower easily and swim would be a wonderful thing.
He was sick to his stomach one time again - it's because he chugs three or four bottles of water as soon as he gets home and promptly barfs. He said 'but they told me to drink a gallon of water and I was behind'...and I said 'but they're not saying to drink it all at once, H. - you should have water with you and be drinking all day, everyday - not pummeling your post-chemo stomach with fluids all at once'. Still, once that nausea was over, he was out and about and fine.
Friends made dinner last night which is such a blessing.
Tonight, we have tickets to a show at Gallo and I'm thinking I'm too tired to go, but we'll see. J. invited a friend to go and if he goes, yeah. If not, I will see if I can get home a little early to try to take a quick nap to help me get through a concert. I would love to go and I know once there, I will enjoy every minute - so we'll see.
Oh...and just FYI - I was taking Vitamin D for my deficiency thinking it would help me feel better...only I OD'd on Vitamin D and broke out in a rash....so now I don't take Vitamin D supplements and will stick to a Centrum-like multi and hope that does the trick. Comical, really. Why do they sell supplements in doses that are way too much? Who knows. Costco accepts all returns, though, so we may be returning the bottle. I'm afraid to take them now given hivey rash on both arms -
New pool sweep arrived yesterday along with some gadget that will keep the algae at bay this summer. I'm gearing up for a stay-cation in early July so looking forward to a sparkling pool that will be my pretend ocean.
OK - the font just went uber-small on me and I can't figure out why - so since I can no longer read what I'm writing very well, I'd better close for the day. Hopefully closing out and coming back in will fix the issue. This must be a 2pt. font or something....impossible.
Friday, May 30, 2014
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Just Another Day at the Office
B. is out on maneuvers this week. He repeatedly let us know that he would be out of communication this week 'cuz they were out in the field. J. and I both pondered his frequent notifications of being unable to talk to us 'cuz we hear from him every couple of weeks, usually. :-)
So here's his vehicle this week.
Guess it's not a really good shot of the actual vehicle. It's a Stryker. You can find pics on Wikipedia.. Like a tank. He's 'the radio guy'. :-)
Looks like he's having a pretty good week.
Not sure why, but he had to purchase new uniforms for this event....I think he hadn't done laundry? No idea why he had to spend a fortune on new unis but oh well.
Holiday weeks go by very quickly - off to the office again!
So here's his vehicle this week.
Guess it's not a really good shot of the actual vehicle. It's a Stryker. You can find pics on Wikipedia.. Like a tank. He's 'the radio guy'. :-)
Looks like he's having a pretty good week.
Not sure why, but he had to purchase new uniforms for this event....I think he hadn't done laundry? No idea why he had to spend a fortune on new unis but oh well.
Holiday weeks go by very quickly - off to the office again!
Sunday, May 25, 2014
H.'s Arrival
Twenty one incredibly short years ago (I honestly can't believe my 'baby' is 21!), I gave birth to our second child. His birth story seemingly set the tone for his life...'cuz he had to give some thought to his arrival.
I was induced with both babies and H.'s induction was carefully planned. After B.'s birth - which left me injured and more than a little terrified about doing it again - my doctor was very careful to not let the second one go too long past my due date. H. was induced about a week before his official due date.
Inductions happened as they happen and I labored through a day - but nothing happened. He wasn't ready. At the end of the day, my doctor said 'I think you should go home and we'll try again in a few days'. I replied 'I am not leaving this hospital without a baby'. Doc took that as a sign of 'don't mess with this woman'. So I spent the night in the hospital. B.'s birth had sent me down a rabbit hole for many months and my doctor (who was actually the partner of my doctor 'cuz my original doctor had retired) knew that history and seemingly understood that me having this baby was a 'now' kind of thing. No, we weren't waiting - that's what we did with B. and his birth was not even remotely close to a great experience. It was - 'cuz we had B. and he was perfect - but from the mom's perspective? Not so much. I wasn't doing that birth again - no way, no how.
Like many mom's about to turn their only child into a sibling, I fretted all night about B. - about how he'd had no say in this. No idea what was about to happen in his world. And here I was ready to bring a sibling into his universe. I didn't sleep much.
H. apparently spent the night doing what H. still does - carefully considering his options. And as he is now, his consideration of his Mama was at the forefront of his decisions, I think, 'cuz the next morning, the induction was a breeze. Four hours after it started, there he was - the easiest birth I could have ever imagined. So easy that as he was born, I said to J. 'let's do it again'!
(We didn't - we stuck with two - but we did think about a third for a bit).
The kid learned early - if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
He is thoughtful and kind, generous and sweet. He is charming and considerate. He was the sweetest baby ever - with a full head of hair from his dad's side of the family. He did rock our world with his arrival but he and his brother were very, very close in their younger years - and I see a bit of that closeness returning lately. They talk on the phone a bit more now.
When we got home from the hospital the next day, B. was entranced with the little guy we had with us and demanded to see his feet. Just over two years old, B.'s speaking was something only parents could understand mostly - but he was pretty clear that he wanted to see H.'s feet - so we unwrapped him and showed B. that yes, he has feet. And yes, he was ours.
B. promptly tried to sit in the infant car seat - and then went back to playing.
Like most mom's on the days their kids were born, I'm taking that walk down memory lane today. Remembering how H.'s birth changed me - made me proud to be a mom and amazed at what mom's bodies can do. It was the birth I dreamed of having so it sort of restored me as a mom and I entered into motherhood of two way more confident than I entered when B. was born.
I never imagined twenty one years ago that H. would be fighting for his life right now. I couldn't have seen that part of his story - yet here we are. I can't describe how much I wish to know how it all turns out 'cuz the journey and the fear (sometimes) is just too overwhelming for me to process. I can't get much past today - and sometimes, I can manage thinking forward a week or two. I know that unknown will be the story for quite awhile now and it's painful to have that part of the story just out there - weighty and scary.
I am infinitely proud of him (even when he pisses me off). I was proud of him before his cancer journey started but now, he's simply amazing. He is unstoppable and while I sometimes play the Mom card and try to get him to stop, he really is stellarly a rock star in his approach to all this. He hasn't really had a 'bad day' yet - and is doing what H. has always done. He just powers through whatever he's facing and does what needs to be done.
Happy Birthday, H. - you are one of my three greatest blessings and I am so incredibly proud of you! Love you to the moon and back times a gazillion.
I was induced with both babies and H.'s induction was carefully planned. After B.'s birth - which left me injured and more than a little terrified about doing it again - my doctor was very careful to not let the second one go too long past my due date. H. was induced about a week before his official due date.
Inductions happened as they happen and I labored through a day - but nothing happened. He wasn't ready. At the end of the day, my doctor said 'I think you should go home and we'll try again in a few days'. I replied 'I am not leaving this hospital without a baby'. Doc took that as a sign of 'don't mess with this woman'. So I spent the night in the hospital. B.'s birth had sent me down a rabbit hole for many months and my doctor (who was actually the partner of my doctor 'cuz my original doctor had retired) knew that history and seemingly understood that me having this baby was a 'now' kind of thing. No, we weren't waiting - that's what we did with B. and his birth was not even remotely close to a great experience. It was - 'cuz we had B. and he was perfect - but from the mom's perspective? Not so much. I wasn't doing that birth again - no way, no how.
Like many mom's about to turn their only child into a sibling, I fretted all night about B. - about how he'd had no say in this. No idea what was about to happen in his world. And here I was ready to bring a sibling into his universe. I didn't sleep much.
H. apparently spent the night doing what H. still does - carefully considering his options. And as he is now, his consideration of his Mama was at the forefront of his decisions, I think, 'cuz the next morning, the induction was a breeze. Four hours after it started, there he was - the easiest birth I could have ever imagined. So easy that as he was born, I said to J. 'let's do it again'!
(We didn't - we stuck with two - but we did think about a third for a bit).
The kid learned early - if Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
He is thoughtful and kind, generous and sweet. He is charming and considerate. He was the sweetest baby ever - with a full head of hair from his dad's side of the family. He did rock our world with his arrival but he and his brother were very, very close in their younger years - and I see a bit of that closeness returning lately. They talk on the phone a bit more now.
When we got home from the hospital the next day, B. was entranced with the little guy we had with us and demanded to see his feet. Just over two years old, B.'s speaking was something only parents could understand mostly - but he was pretty clear that he wanted to see H.'s feet - so we unwrapped him and showed B. that yes, he has feet. And yes, he was ours.
B. promptly tried to sit in the infant car seat - and then went back to playing.
Like most mom's on the days their kids were born, I'm taking that walk down memory lane today. Remembering how H.'s birth changed me - made me proud to be a mom and amazed at what mom's bodies can do. It was the birth I dreamed of having so it sort of restored me as a mom and I entered into motherhood of two way more confident than I entered when B. was born.
I never imagined twenty one years ago that H. would be fighting for his life right now. I couldn't have seen that part of his story - yet here we are. I can't describe how much I wish to know how it all turns out 'cuz the journey and the fear (sometimes) is just too overwhelming for me to process. I can't get much past today - and sometimes, I can manage thinking forward a week or two. I know that unknown will be the story for quite awhile now and it's painful to have that part of the story just out there - weighty and scary.
I am infinitely proud of him (even when he pisses me off). I was proud of him before his cancer journey started but now, he's simply amazing. He is unstoppable and while I sometimes play the Mom card and try to get him to stop, he really is stellarly a rock star in his approach to all this. He hasn't really had a 'bad day' yet - and is doing what H. has always done. He just powers through whatever he's facing and does what needs to be done.
Happy Birthday, H. - you are one of my three greatest blessings and I am so incredibly proud of you! Love you to the moon and back times a gazillion.
Saturday, May 24, 2014
If You Knew Sushi
We're enjoying a 21st birthday weekend Lalapalooza - eating out every night. Tonight was massive amounts of sushi! Five different sushi rolls with fried calamari and tempura. Grateful to a former girlfriend of H.'s who broadened his palate to include sushi. When I offered the weekend food-fest as part of his birthday celebration, I pictured way too many burgers - but when I suggested Japanese (thinking he would want chicken teriyaki), he was fine with a selection of rolls. He's fond of California Roll but I broadened his palate a little by getting rolls that included unagi. Tastes just like chicken and as long as it has the sweet sauce on it, it's something he can handle.
We've ordered his request of ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins - chocolate cake and chocolate frosting with cookie dough ice cream. We got a small one for just the three of us. With the extra room in the freezers, we can store it for a few days and I'm sure he will eat it.
An on-call nurse is due any minute for a dressing change on the PICC line. It was just changed yesterday but the dressing is open and the antibiotic patch is no longer over the PICC entrance. He's heading out to boat tomorrow with a group of friends and he can't have that open while he's out and about. I feel bad about the on-call nurse driving from Modesto but oh well - that's what on-call means.
I worked today and made progress. Little by little and one by one, things get crossed off the list of things needing to be done. Still much to do and I brought a little bit home to work on in between episodes of Scandal. J. has church in the morning and I'm glad H. has plans 'cuz I would feel guilty leaving him alone on his birthday. He'll be entertained and busy for most of the day so I can keep on plowing through.
H. helped a friend last night and left some items on the kitchen counter that had me flipping pissed off this morning. He is a good friend - a faithful and true friend. The kind of friend people call when they are in 'trouble' and need someone to talk to. I feel he gives too much sometimes - his kind heart won't let him just say 'no' when someone requests to come over in the middle of the night 'cuz they need someone to talk to. He took the cigarettes and lighter away from the friend who had just told him she was pregnant. She and her boyfriend were arguing - she isn't sure what to do and he wants to have the baby. H. said 'well for now, since you don't know, you shouldn't be smoking'. So she handed them over and he left them on the counter this morning.
There was one small stupid thing he DID do that he regrets and I reamed him for that big time. Reminded him that his body is fighting and putting strain on it by ingesting stupid things for no reason other than it was offered so he said yes is just dumb. He's not dumb.
21 tomorrow and he's still kind of not bright at times.
We've ordered his request of ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins - chocolate cake and chocolate frosting with cookie dough ice cream. We got a small one for just the three of us. With the extra room in the freezers, we can store it for a few days and I'm sure he will eat it.
An on-call nurse is due any minute for a dressing change on the PICC line. It was just changed yesterday but the dressing is open and the antibiotic patch is no longer over the PICC entrance. He's heading out to boat tomorrow with a group of friends and he can't have that open while he's out and about. I feel bad about the on-call nurse driving from Modesto but oh well - that's what on-call means.
I worked today and made progress. Little by little and one by one, things get crossed off the list of things needing to be done. Still much to do and I brought a little bit home to work on in between episodes of Scandal. J. has church in the morning and I'm glad H. has plans 'cuz I would feel guilty leaving him alone on his birthday. He'll be entertained and busy for most of the day so I can keep on plowing through.
H. helped a friend last night and left some items on the kitchen counter that had me flipping pissed off this morning. He is a good friend - a faithful and true friend. The kind of friend people call when they are in 'trouble' and need someone to talk to. I feel he gives too much sometimes - his kind heart won't let him just say 'no' when someone requests to come over in the middle of the night 'cuz they need someone to talk to. He took the cigarettes and lighter away from the friend who had just told him she was pregnant. She and her boyfriend were arguing - she isn't sure what to do and he wants to have the baby. H. said 'well for now, since you don't know, you shouldn't be smoking'. So she handed them over and he left them on the counter this morning.
There was one small stupid thing he DID do that he regrets and I reamed him for that big time. Reminded him that his body is fighting and putting strain on it by ingesting stupid things for no reason other than it was offered so he said yes is just dumb. He's not dumb.
21 tomorrow and he's still kind of not bright at times.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Surviving Survivor
It's the season finale and let me just say I think I'm getting tired of the show. No particular reason why - it's just the same stuff over and over and over? Maybe it's season after season of people conniving, lying, over-committing, under delivering and in the end, groveling for the money. Tonight's groveling is really putting me over the edge.
I've watched three episodes of Scandal and can't wait to have free time (ha ha) to watch more.
Work is zooming by and progress is being made on budget, etc. . I'm managing to wedge in some meetings while exiting out of others. If my presence isn't mandatory, I'm not there. My boss attends a lot of meetings I attend and he's been fine with representing Business in my absence and I'm letting him 'cuz I have a lot to do right now.
B. is coming home on June 27th and is home for just over two weeks! Ticket purchased and he's very excited. So are we!
H. turns 21 on Sunday and try as I might, I can't get him to commit to what he wants to do to celebrate. I know what he'd really like is a wad of cash to spend with his friends on shooting range; beer; etc. . We are hoping to take him out for dinner and to buy him his first restaurant ordered legal drink. It's a right of passage, right?
H. is feeling good and even though this 3rd round was supposed to kick his arse, it hasn't. He seems absolutely fine again/still. I know that's good - but I was expecting some 'sign' that his system was really 'responding' to the chemo. It's killing bad cells AND good cells so you'd think at some point, he wouldn't feel all that great? And I worry that he is feeling good - like it's not working or something?
I'm a mom therefore I worry. It's what I do. I can't help it. The only good thing I can say about that is my 50+ self doesn't turn that worry into a crazy-making, constantly fretful person. It is what it is and no amount of worrying is going to change it.
Give it up to God. That's my plan. And I'm sticking to it.
All day, I think of things to write here - to remember. To get out of my system. And then tonight comes and I end up with not a lot of anything. More soon.
I don't think either of them should get the $1.0 million. I don't like them. I think they should allow write-in votes at tribal counsel and let the jury really decide who wins the game. Forget winning challenges. Just play the game through the 40 days and let them all vote. Start there and then the real Survivor can start.
I've watched three episodes of Scandal and can't wait to have free time (ha ha) to watch more.
Work is zooming by and progress is being made on budget, etc. . I'm managing to wedge in some meetings while exiting out of others. If my presence isn't mandatory, I'm not there. My boss attends a lot of meetings I attend and he's been fine with representing Business in my absence and I'm letting him 'cuz I have a lot to do right now.
B. is coming home on June 27th and is home for just over two weeks! Ticket purchased and he's very excited. So are we!
H. turns 21 on Sunday and try as I might, I can't get him to commit to what he wants to do to celebrate. I know what he'd really like is a wad of cash to spend with his friends on shooting range; beer; etc. . We are hoping to take him out for dinner and to buy him his first restaurant ordered legal drink. It's a right of passage, right?
H. is feeling good and even though this 3rd round was supposed to kick his arse, it hasn't. He seems absolutely fine again/still. I know that's good - but I was expecting some 'sign' that his system was really 'responding' to the chemo. It's killing bad cells AND good cells so you'd think at some point, he wouldn't feel all that great? And I worry that he is feeling good - like it's not working or something?
I'm a mom therefore I worry. It's what I do. I can't help it. The only good thing I can say about that is my 50+ self doesn't turn that worry into a crazy-making, constantly fretful person. It is what it is and no amount of worrying is going to change it.
Give it up to God. That's my plan. And I'm sticking to it.
All day, I think of things to write here - to remember. To get out of my system. And then tonight comes and I end up with not a lot of anything. More soon.
I don't think either of them should get the $1.0 million. I don't like them. I think they should allow write-in votes at tribal counsel and let the jury really decide who wins the game. Forget winning challenges. Just play the game through the 40 days and let them all vote. Start there and then the real Survivor can start.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Such a Treat
Conveniently, Netflix just added Season 3 of Scandal! Heaven help me - so glad I didn't know this until late yesterday. I had two good days of budget progress and while still very swamped and behind, I feel better. Yesterday, I got up at 5:30AM and was at work close to 9 - still enjoying a slow paced morning but at work pretty early for a weekend. Today, I woke again at 5:30 but then snuggled in and let the warmth take me off to sleep again. Repeated again at 6:30....and so, SO enjoyed that 'warm and snuggly' feeling that always happens on weekday mornings and FINALLY happened on a weekend. And I remember it!
Tomorrow, I head to Sacramento for a budget workshop. Tuesday is construction meetings most of the day and a board meeting. Other meetings scattered throughout the week including a trip to Acampo which is north of Lodi. A new district joined our monthly CBO meetings and it's their turn to host - so long drives this week here and there.
H. has had a good weekend - seems pretty OK other than being a bit more tired than usual. He's eating well and is (as usual) hungry pretty much all the time.
Season finale of The Good Wife and the finale of The Amazing Race! Big Sunday night TV for us.
We had a call from B. who sounded like he'd been sleeping most of the day. He's taking a road trip next weekend with friends - driving to San Antonio for the Memorial Day weekend. We are helping him buy his ticket home this summer - not because he needs help but because we are helping H. quite a bit (gasoline, pocket money, etc.) so we want to treat B. to something, too. He's excited about being home for two - possibly three - weeks this summer.
Only two more weeks of school left. The days are busy with year-end concerts; assemblies; portfolios; etc.. Kids look happy and teachers look tired. It's been a whirlwind year for sure.
Back to my guilty pleasure - and baking Chocolate Malted Cookies for H. -
Tomorrow, I head to Sacramento for a budget workshop. Tuesday is construction meetings most of the day and a board meeting. Other meetings scattered throughout the week including a trip to Acampo which is north of Lodi. A new district joined our monthly CBO meetings and it's their turn to host - so long drives this week here and there.
H. has had a good weekend - seems pretty OK other than being a bit more tired than usual. He's eating well and is (as usual) hungry pretty much all the time.
Season finale of The Good Wife and the finale of The Amazing Race! Big Sunday night TV for us.
We had a call from B. who sounded like he'd been sleeping most of the day. He's taking a road trip next weekend with friends - driving to San Antonio for the Memorial Day weekend. We are helping him buy his ticket home this summer - not because he needs help but because we are helping H. quite a bit (gasoline, pocket money, etc.) so we want to treat B. to something, too. He's excited about being home for two - possibly three - weeks this summer.
Only two more weeks of school left. The days are busy with year-end concerts; assemblies; portfolios; etc.. Kids look happy and teachers look tired. It's been a whirlwind year for sure.
Back to my guilty pleasure - and baking Chocolate Malted Cookies for H. -
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Waves of Relief
Leaving the oncologist's office this morning, I literally, physically felt the huge weight leave my body. I realized earlier this week that I was dealing with huge amounts of dis-ease and while it took awhile for me to figure it out (it wasn't work; it wasn't lack of sleep; it wasn't [enter the trillions of things it could be but wasn't]), it was the unknown of it all. Waiting once again for test results that would define the future months even further. I didn't think I was un-OK until I felt that weight lift off. I felt light as a feather as I headed to my car....and smiled all the way back to my office.
H.'s PET scan results were excellent. No tumors anywhere else. No organ involvement anywhere. Lymph nodes look good. He has a large tumor in his chest but it is responding well to chemo and is shrinking. So thankful to hear that. The plan is another round of chemo in two weeks (he had his 3rd round today) and then a CT scan the following week. Visit the doctor the week after that and if the tumor has further reduced, they will call the chemo round in two weeks 'the last' and send H. to radiation.
It was great news and I am so thankful to God for this. Really, truly thankful.
H. made it through a fast infusion (just a couple of hours this time) and came home. Forgot to take his nausea meds as soon as he got home so he was sick to his stomach shortly before I arrived home this evening - but I reminded him to take it and he's better. This is the 3rd round and he knows the 3rd and 4th are usually quite difficult.
He went to the Giants game yesterday with a large group of friends and based on the sunburn and his general demeanor upon arriving home, he had a good time. He wasn't driving so he had beers and I think he drank too much. Even he said 'I think I overdid it' 'cuz he was exhausted and felt it. Some hydration and ibuprofen and a bit earlier to bed last night than previous nights.
It's hard not to let him do what he wants when he wants. He's an adult. He actually does make his own decisions and while we can counsel him and offer sage advice, he does what he wants - so if overdoing it this time helps him see that his body needs extra care right now, that's the best approach I can think of. Otherwise, it's just me and J. (really, me more 'cuz I'm The Mom and I can't shut that off) nagging him constantly. I just want him to try to be 'kind' to his body right now - it needs his help.
Ten days shy of 21 and he's got to learn to be responsible for himself.
I have nineteen board agenda items - we prepped and finalized all but three today and considering I didn't arrive in my office until close to 11AM, that's pretty amazing. It felt so great to have a wonderful helper and the two of us just plowed through one after the other and got them DONE. Still have a huge one left but I did start sketching it out last night (at home) and plan to do more early in the morning and tomorrow. I will feel another weight lift when board prep is done - though it will be quickly replaced by the weight of budget which is looming.
We'll get a system down for that shortly and we can plow through a lot in the next couple weeks. Everything is possible.
Thanks to all for continued prayers, good vibes and generally awesome mojo. It's helping more than words can say. And to all the amazing friends who bring us dinner on chemo nights, thank you!! It is wonderful - another weight lifted - to not have to figure out what's for dinner!
H.'s PET scan results were excellent. No tumors anywhere else. No organ involvement anywhere. Lymph nodes look good. He has a large tumor in his chest but it is responding well to chemo and is shrinking. So thankful to hear that. The plan is another round of chemo in two weeks (he had his 3rd round today) and then a CT scan the following week. Visit the doctor the week after that and if the tumor has further reduced, they will call the chemo round in two weeks 'the last' and send H. to radiation.
It was great news and I am so thankful to God for this. Really, truly thankful.
H. made it through a fast infusion (just a couple of hours this time) and came home. Forgot to take his nausea meds as soon as he got home so he was sick to his stomach shortly before I arrived home this evening - but I reminded him to take it and he's better. This is the 3rd round and he knows the 3rd and 4th are usually quite difficult.
He went to the Giants game yesterday with a large group of friends and based on the sunburn and his general demeanor upon arriving home, he had a good time. He wasn't driving so he had beers and I think he drank too much. Even he said 'I think I overdid it' 'cuz he was exhausted and felt it. Some hydration and ibuprofen and a bit earlier to bed last night than previous nights.
It's hard not to let him do what he wants when he wants. He's an adult. He actually does make his own decisions and while we can counsel him and offer sage advice, he does what he wants - so if overdoing it this time helps him see that his body needs extra care right now, that's the best approach I can think of. Otherwise, it's just me and J. (really, me more 'cuz I'm The Mom and I can't shut that off) nagging him constantly. I just want him to try to be 'kind' to his body right now - it needs his help.
Ten days shy of 21 and he's got to learn to be responsible for himself.
I have nineteen board agenda items - we prepped and finalized all but three today and considering I didn't arrive in my office until close to 11AM, that's pretty amazing. It felt so great to have a wonderful helper and the two of us just plowed through one after the other and got them DONE. Still have a huge one left but I did start sketching it out last night (at home) and plan to do more early in the morning and tomorrow. I will feel another weight lift when board prep is done - though it will be quickly replaced by the weight of budget which is looming.
We'll get a system down for that shortly and we can plow through a lot in the next couple weeks. Everything is possible.
Thanks to all for continued prayers, good vibes and generally awesome mojo. It's helping more than words can say. And to all the amazing friends who bring us dinner on chemo nights, thank you!! It is wonderful - another weight lifted - to not have to figure out what's for dinner!
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Mom's Day
Happy Mother's Day to all the awesome Mom's in my life. And to my own Mom who I miss today more than any other day of the year....even more than Christmas morning. It's still hard and always will be.
The men in my life showered me with exactly what I asked for: iTunes gift cards. The concert last week left me with a long list of music I want to buy so I'm so thankful for the wonderful gifts this morning that will add to my tune list copiously.
J. made baked German pancakes for breakfast and now he's making me eggs and hash browns for lunch. Once lunch is over, I will start working on things I brought home yesterday. Today is conveniently a 'system down' day so I decided to work at home on non-system items.
B. called this morning to wish me Happy Mom's Day. H. bought me a huge, HUGE card to accompany the gift cards. He wrote a sweet note.
It's been a lovely day -
I'm planning to spend a little time doing my favorite thing - working in the garden. Boosting my Vitamin D 'cuz it's a lovely, sunny day -
The men in my life showered me with exactly what I asked for: iTunes gift cards. The concert last week left me with a long list of music I want to buy so I'm so thankful for the wonderful gifts this morning that will add to my tune list copiously.
J. made baked German pancakes for breakfast and now he's making me eggs and hash browns for lunch. Once lunch is over, I will start working on things I brought home yesterday. Today is conveniently a 'system down' day so I decided to work at home on non-system items.
B. called this morning to wish me Happy Mom's Day. H. bought me a huge, HUGE card to accompany the gift cards. He wrote a sweet note.
It's been a lovely day -
I'm planning to spend a little time doing my favorite thing - working in the garden. Boosting my Vitamin D 'cuz it's a lovely, sunny day -
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Coffee Tales
I'll have to get caught up a bit....the week zoomed by. No MMD's which is great. Too busy to focus on anything but the work of which there is plenty. Construction starting the day after school is out plus budget equals so much to do. So busy the days just fly by. (I even have moments of feeling a little guilty that I have work to escape to vs. J. who is in it 24/7. But there's plenty here to keep him busy and he is busy). It was a good week.
The concert on Monday was really wonderful...though there were two opening acts. J. and I were definitely among the oldest in attendance and the hundreds of people that were on the floor and stood the entire time amaze me. I never liked being 'on the floor'....like a sardine. Reserved seating has always been my preference...but I admire those who are such fans, they want to be down close. Ingrid Michaelson (the main act) didn't even start playing until 9:20ish! We got home close to 1AM which is very, very late for us. The Fox Theater in Oakland is a Bay Area treasure and a really fun venue. There's a snack bar/lounge/bar attached to the theater and I'm pretty sure they have two opening acts with breaks in between each to encourage people to eat, drink and mingle. A lot. J. and I both got wristbands confirming we were drinking age (Hah!) and we could take food and drinks in or out. We didn't (other than water). But we did enjoy beer (me) and margarita (him - it was Cinco de Mayo so he felt he should have a traditional drink of the day) and good noshes that kept us full. The music was wonderful - discovered two new groups I am now obsessed with. The Alternate Routes and Storyman. My ITunes account is getting a great workout. Lovely evening and I managed to get up and get to work by 10.
H. continues to amaze. He's doing really well. He got a 'zero' haircut yesterday in preparation for likely starting to lose his hair - will be easier to shave off if it's pretty short already. He always wears his hair pretty short so it's not a shock which will help. He's got an assortment of beanies and we've promised baseball hats or whatever strikes his fancy. He's a trooper! He slept through most of his PET scan on Monday morning which they said was 'good' 'cuz when they first put the radioactive material into his veins, they didn't want him to move around much. He obliged by going to sleep. And then slept through the scanner part, too. We will get those results on the 15th - right before H. has his 3rd chemo round. Fingers crossed for Stage 1 being confirmed.
Other major events include J. getting to hear what every husband everywhere wants to here: you were right. For months now, I clean out the drip tray under the coffee spout over and over and over. We have that 'one cup' Hamilton Beach coffee maker where you fill the filter with coffee (your own ground coffee) and it brews one mug at a time. Seemed cheaper than the common 'pod one cup' makers out there at the time. But often (my version), the drip tray is full of gross coffee that isn't caught by a cup or mug and it's a pain to clean. I rant about it. J. says 'I clean it all the time' (his version) but 'sometimes it spews out more coffee with no warning'. I think 'sure it does....'.
And then it happened. Last Sunday, piddling around the house before heading into my office, I wiped the stainless steel down to clean the drips off the coffee maker itself - and it started dripping 'coffee' in a stream! Not little drips - a pretty significant stream. Like it was emptying the water that had drawn up into the chamber and not cycled through when the internal 'brew' cycle stopped. J. was right!
And...after brewing myself another cup of coffee later that morning and then lifting the drip tray cover to clean it out again, it did it AGAIN only this time the water was HOT ('cuz I'd just made myself a cup of coffee) and it burned my hand. Not hospital level burn but still. Now we had a safety reason to dump the old machine.
So - that's it! We broke down and bought our hearts desire (and admittedly, our coffee maker obsession has led us to have many different brewers) and got a Keurig. 60 seconds and delicious coffee and while the pods are about 50 cents each, oh well. We do have a 'My K Cup' to use with our own ground coffee and will do that sometimes. But for now, we are enjoying the hugely wide variety of beverages out there. Iced tea! Cocoa! Hot Cider! The list is seemingly endless.
I am up early for a Saturday but since I went to bed at 8 and was falling asleep watching TV within minutes of getting into bed, I got a good, long night of rest so I'm raring to go. Yes, work. But that's OK. I get so much done when I'm alone - it's so quiet and I just plow through. Interruptions are hard when it's budget time 'cuz the work is very detailed - so I'm grateful for no interruptions!
And I will wedge in some time to garden later today. We have our first tomato on the vine and my herbs need trimming. I'm going to try to dry some sage - do a good trimming and hang the bunches up in the garage (out of the wind).
I feel a 'miscellaneous' post coming on of little things I think of throughout the day(s). So more soon. Happy Saturday!
The concert on Monday was really wonderful...though there were two opening acts. J. and I were definitely among the oldest in attendance and the hundreds of people that were on the floor and stood the entire time amaze me. I never liked being 'on the floor'....like a sardine. Reserved seating has always been my preference...but I admire those who are such fans, they want to be down close. Ingrid Michaelson (the main act) didn't even start playing until 9:20ish! We got home close to 1AM which is very, very late for us. The Fox Theater in Oakland is a Bay Area treasure and a really fun venue. There's a snack bar/lounge/bar attached to the theater and I'm pretty sure they have two opening acts with breaks in between each to encourage people to eat, drink and mingle. A lot. J. and I both got wristbands confirming we were drinking age (Hah!) and we could take food and drinks in or out. We didn't (other than water). But we did enjoy beer (me) and margarita (him - it was Cinco de Mayo so he felt he should have a traditional drink of the day) and good noshes that kept us full. The music was wonderful - discovered two new groups I am now obsessed with. The Alternate Routes and Storyman. My ITunes account is getting a great workout. Lovely evening and I managed to get up and get to work by 10.
H. continues to amaze. He's doing really well. He got a 'zero' haircut yesterday in preparation for likely starting to lose his hair - will be easier to shave off if it's pretty short already. He always wears his hair pretty short so it's not a shock which will help. He's got an assortment of beanies and we've promised baseball hats or whatever strikes his fancy. He's a trooper! He slept through most of his PET scan on Monday morning which they said was 'good' 'cuz when they first put the radioactive material into his veins, they didn't want him to move around much. He obliged by going to sleep. And then slept through the scanner part, too. We will get those results on the 15th - right before H. has his 3rd chemo round. Fingers crossed for Stage 1 being confirmed.
Other major events include J. getting to hear what every husband everywhere wants to here: you were right. For months now, I clean out the drip tray under the coffee spout over and over and over. We have that 'one cup' Hamilton Beach coffee maker where you fill the filter with coffee (your own ground coffee) and it brews one mug at a time. Seemed cheaper than the common 'pod one cup' makers out there at the time. But often (my version), the drip tray is full of gross coffee that isn't caught by a cup or mug and it's a pain to clean. I rant about it. J. says 'I clean it all the time' (his version) but 'sometimes it spews out more coffee with no warning'. I think 'sure it does....'.
And then it happened. Last Sunday, piddling around the house before heading into my office, I wiped the stainless steel down to clean the drips off the coffee maker itself - and it started dripping 'coffee' in a stream! Not little drips - a pretty significant stream. Like it was emptying the water that had drawn up into the chamber and not cycled through when the internal 'brew' cycle stopped. J. was right!
And...after brewing myself another cup of coffee later that morning and then lifting the drip tray cover to clean it out again, it did it AGAIN only this time the water was HOT ('cuz I'd just made myself a cup of coffee) and it burned my hand. Not hospital level burn but still. Now we had a safety reason to dump the old machine.
So - that's it! We broke down and bought our hearts desire (and admittedly, our coffee maker obsession has led us to have many different brewers) and got a Keurig. 60 seconds and delicious coffee and while the pods are about 50 cents each, oh well. We do have a 'My K Cup' to use with our own ground coffee and will do that sometimes. But for now, we are enjoying the hugely wide variety of beverages out there. Iced tea! Cocoa! Hot Cider! The list is seemingly endless.
I am up early for a Saturday but since I went to bed at 8 and was falling asleep watching TV within minutes of getting into bed, I got a good, long night of rest so I'm raring to go. Yes, work. But that's OK. I get so much done when I'm alone - it's so quiet and I just plow through. Interruptions are hard when it's budget time 'cuz the work is very detailed - so I'm grateful for no interruptions!
And I will wedge in some time to garden later today. We have our first tomato on the vine and my herbs need trimming. I'm going to try to dry some sage - do a good trimming and hang the bunches up in the garage (out of the wind).
I feel a 'miscellaneous' post coming on of little things I think of throughout the day(s). So more soon. Happy Saturday!
Friday, May 09, 2014
Argh!
Just lost a drafted post when the palm of my hand hit the wrong 'pad' on my laptop....so I will have to just say 'Happy Friday!' and that will be it for now. Must get to work. County meeting this morning to find out health care rates for next year. That should be fun.
All is well here...H. sailed through his 2nd round of chemo like a champ. His strength and positivity is impressive. He's come by my office a few times this week and got to see the mom of one of his friends when she came over to give me huge hugs (hasn't seen me since H.'s exciting week in ICU)...she was so happy to see him and kept saying 'you look great!'.
'Cuz he does. No outward sign at all that anything is amiss - unless his shirt sleeve is up enough to see the PICC line cover and/or the dangling lumens. (I think that's what they're called. I call them dongles but that's probably not the best term to use).
More later. Weekend approaching which is just two days of work for me but it's two days of quiet, no-interruptions work for me and that sounds lovely. Week 2 of my return to reality was a 'normal' week and I've been in tons of meetings.
So much to do. So little time. Makes me look forward to the quiet of weekends to just plow through the details known as building the budget. Oh - and board prep next week, too.
Sunday, May 04, 2014
MMD
MMD will now and forever be secret code, OK? So if I use MMD in the blog, you will know how the day(s) have gone/are going.
Major Melt Down. That's what Friday was. I'm not sure what triggered it but it started very first thing in the morning in the middle of a meeting that I had to stop 'cuz I was too emotional to get through it. The person I was meeting with said something that triggered immediate strong emotion and tears and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Not a thing. I ended the meeting and proceeded to lose it.
My door closed, Kleenexes littering my desk, more MMD followed. It was a long morning of a lot of stuff that I had apparently been tamping down all week. I hadn't had a good cry in days 'cuz I'm back at work and there's no time to cry. I was getting a lot of stuff out on the drive between Modesto and home when H. was in the hospital but now, my commute is all of 1.7 miles with a detour to McDonald's for my teas and a breakfast burrito. No time to cry in the drive through line, either.
I think it was just a compilation of a week of being back at work in a job that is complex, complicated, busy, constant, never-ending and detailed....and me trying to pretend that things were normal when they aren't.
My boss was clued in that I was having a hard day and showed up. Closed the door. I said 'I really don't know that you want to voluntarily enter my office for a discussion 'cuz I am a wreck'....and he basically said 'I'm here and let's talk so we can figure out what to do that might help'. I like him more and more everyday because he truly is a good guy.
I don't know what the 'answers' are and I'm not sure what (if anything) will change. I described it like this: when I gave birth - both times I gave birth - I vividly remember that the first time I left the house without the new baby (usually within a few days of having them), I felt like I should be wearing a sign or something that was flashing 'a human just exited my body and my world is now spinning on a different axis'. That level of life-alteration is something you can't comprehend for a bit. That's how I felt on Friday - like my world is tilting precariously on an axis that has me threatening to slide off....and while I did a decent job M-Th holding on, by Friday there was no strength left in my fingertips....and I had to let go a little bit.
There's no real change in H.'s status that warranted such a meltdown mode - but I guess I needed it. He's now day three post chemo and other than sleeping in until noon yesterday (and late again today, it looks like), he's doing pretty well. He's taking the nausea meds 'cuz he feels 'queasy' and getting ahead of symptoms is key - but he's been out and about as he feels like it.
He's 'fine'. He looks completely fine. It's odd really - to look at him ...see him doing normal things..wanting to do normal things....knowing he's not 'normal' at the moment. It's strange. I work really hard at letting him be - I remember what the pulmonologist said when she was trying to get everyone to agree to take him off the ventilator - 'let's let him be normal'. So I try to do that.
I worked yesterday and feel immensely better. No, nothing changed. I still have more to do than seems humanly possible at this point but I did start on budget and made progress and have lists and things ready to delegate and things prioritized. That's progress. I can see laminate on my desk again which is also progress. I reminded myself (as did others) that I honestly hadn't really regrouped from being off for the two weeks in Europe and then I was suddenly and unexpectedly out of the office again for over two weeks...and I really 'let go' on both of those breaks. Didn't think about work much (which is really good for me to do now and then) but then it's just a mind-boggling thing to jump back in. So that's probably why the end of the first week back was so hard.
J. is at church and H. is still sleeping so I'm heading to the shower and then to work for a bit. I may bring the laptop home 'cuz there are some data entry things I think I could do here at home on my work laptop that will help some.
H. has his PET scan tomorrow and we will get the results of that on the 15th before his next chemo infusion. Fingers crossed it confirms Stage 1 - that the tumor and cancer is only in his chest and hasn't gone to any other organs or lymph nodes outside his chest.
I'm sure these MMD days will come and go. It's always the 'not knowing' that's the hardest for me. For someone who likes to know the end of the movie and the end of the book before enjoying watching or reading, it's impossibly hard to feel that constant sense of 'I don't know the ending'. I don't do 'I don't have any idea how this turns out' well, apparently.
Tomorrow night, J. and I head to the Fox Theater in Oakland to enjoy Ingrid Michaelson in concert. I appreciate J. coming with - it's not a singer he's really crazy about (or even knows, really) but Oakland at night is not a place to navigate solo. We did reserved seats in the balcony 'cuz I can't stand 'floor standing'....and we'll wedge in a nice dinner somewhere. Or spring for the 'secret' private bar for before and after the show which has appetizers. I can't wait to see her in person - her music gets to my core and she's really amazing.
Another day in the trenches in the quiet with no interruptions will do me a world of good. Once I start making progress, everything becomes easier.
Major Melt Down. That's what Friday was. I'm not sure what triggered it but it started very first thing in the morning in the middle of a meeting that I had to stop 'cuz I was too emotional to get through it. The person I was meeting with said something that triggered immediate strong emotion and tears and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Not a thing. I ended the meeting and proceeded to lose it.
My door closed, Kleenexes littering my desk, more MMD followed. It was a long morning of a lot of stuff that I had apparently been tamping down all week. I hadn't had a good cry in days 'cuz I'm back at work and there's no time to cry. I was getting a lot of stuff out on the drive between Modesto and home when H. was in the hospital but now, my commute is all of 1.7 miles with a detour to McDonald's for my teas and a breakfast burrito. No time to cry in the drive through line, either.
I think it was just a compilation of a week of being back at work in a job that is complex, complicated, busy, constant, never-ending and detailed....and me trying to pretend that things were normal when they aren't.
My boss was clued in that I was having a hard day and showed up. Closed the door. I said 'I really don't know that you want to voluntarily enter my office for a discussion 'cuz I am a wreck'....and he basically said 'I'm here and let's talk so we can figure out what to do that might help'. I like him more and more everyday because he truly is a good guy.
I don't know what the 'answers' are and I'm not sure what (if anything) will change. I described it like this: when I gave birth - both times I gave birth - I vividly remember that the first time I left the house without the new baby (usually within a few days of having them), I felt like I should be wearing a sign or something that was flashing 'a human just exited my body and my world is now spinning on a different axis'. That level of life-alteration is something you can't comprehend for a bit. That's how I felt on Friday - like my world is tilting precariously on an axis that has me threatening to slide off....and while I did a decent job M-Th holding on, by Friday there was no strength left in my fingertips....and I had to let go a little bit.
There's no real change in H.'s status that warranted such a meltdown mode - but I guess I needed it. He's now day three post chemo and other than sleeping in until noon yesterday (and late again today, it looks like), he's doing pretty well. He's taking the nausea meds 'cuz he feels 'queasy' and getting ahead of symptoms is key - but he's been out and about as he feels like it.
He's 'fine'. He looks completely fine. It's odd really - to look at him ...see him doing normal things..wanting to do normal things....knowing he's not 'normal' at the moment. It's strange. I work really hard at letting him be - I remember what the pulmonologist said when she was trying to get everyone to agree to take him off the ventilator - 'let's let him be normal'. So I try to do that.
I worked yesterday and feel immensely better. No, nothing changed. I still have more to do than seems humanly possible at this point but I did start on budget and made progress and have lists and things ready to delegate and things prioritized. That's progress. I can see laminate on my desk again which is also progress. I reminded myself (as did others) that I honestly hadn't really regrouped from being off for the two weeks in Europe and then I was suddenly and unexpectedly out of the office again for over two weeks...and I really 'let go' on both of those breaks. Didn't think about work much (which is really good for me to do now and then) but then it's just a mind-boggling thing to jump back in. So that's probably why the end of the first week back was so hard.
J. is at church and H. is still sleeping so I'm heading to the shower and then to work for a bit. I may bring the laptop home 'cuz there are some data entry things I think I could do here at home on my work laptop that will help some.
H. has his PET scan tomorrow and we will get the results of that on the 15th before his next chemo infusion. Fingers crossed it confirms Stage 1 - that the tumor and cancer is only in his chest and hasn't gone to any other organs or lymph nodes outside his chest.
I'm sure these MMD days will come and go. It's always the 'not knowing' that's the hardest for me. For someone who likes to know the end of the movie and the end of the book before enjoying watching or reading, it's impossibly hard to feel that constant sense of 'I don't know the ending'. I don't do 'I don't have any idea how this turns out' well, apparently.
Tomorrow night, J. and I head to the Fox Theater in Oakland to enjoy Ingrid Michaelson in concert. I appreciate J. coming with - it's not a singer he's really crazy about (or even knows, really) but Oakland at night is not a place to navigate solo. We did reserved seats in the balcony 'cuz I can't stand 'floor standing'....and we'll wedge in a nice dinner somewhere. Or spring for the 'secret' private bar for before and after the show which has appetizers. I can't wait to see her in person - her music gets to my core and she's really amazing.
Another day in the trenches in the quiet with no interruptions will do me a world of good. Once I start making progress, everything becomes easier.
Thursday, May 01, 2014
Scandal
Started my day with guilty pleasure - watched an episode of Scandal! A treat to myself. It's still pretty darn early and now I commence with getting ready for work and will be at my desk very early. Driving to the wonderful town of Linden today for a C B O meeting. Toying with the idea of not going 'cuz I should prioritize my time and there's not much on the agenda.
But I remind myself that the folks who attend these meetings are some of my closest friends. They are who I call when I need advice or just someone to listen. A small, select group of people who know exactly what having my job is like. And that's a group you want to spend as much time with as you can, even when you are very swamped and feel like you should stay in your office with your calculator the entire day.
H. has his 2nd round of chemo this morning. I'm not going to go - we think he will see the doctor briefly before the infusion starts but not long enough to warrant me spending 45 minutes each way to get there and back. He will pass the time watching the TV in his cubicle while J. drives to the hospital to meet with the billing department and hopefully get a credit for the $3800-ish we overpaid them.
Work is going OK but the days fly by and pass without much happening re: building the budget. I've got everyone in my department on board for a mad dash in late May/early June 'cuz that's what will end up happening. The Governor won't issue his May Revise until later this month so until all that is 'known', we won't know our final revenue estimates for next year...which always makes it a crazy mad dash.
I'm planning to work this weekend and I'm actually looking forward to it - not the being away from home part but the being in the office alone part. No interruptions. Quiet and time to plow through things.
Me time is officially over. Scandal is crazy good and I can't wait to watch the next episode...maybe tomorrow morning. Same time....same Netflix.
But I remind myself that the folks who attend these meetings are some of my closest friends. They are who I call when I need advice or just someone to listen. A small, select group of people who know exactly what having my job is like. And that's a group you want to spend as much time with as you can, even when you are very swamped and feel like you should stay in your office with your calculator the entire day.
H. has his 2nd round of chemo this morning. I'm not going to go - we think he will see the doctor briefly before the infusion starts but not long enough to warrant me spending 45 minutes each way to get there and back. He will pass the time watching the TV in his cubicle while J. drives to the hospital to meet with the billing department and hopefully get a credit for the $3800-ish we overpaid them.
Work is going OK but the days fly by and pass without much happening re: building the budget. I've got everyone in my department on board for a mad dash in late May/early June 'cuz that's what will end up happening. The Governor won't issue his May Revise until later this month so until all that is 'known', we won't know our final revenue estimates for next year...which always makes it a crazy mad dash.
I'm planning to work this weekend and I'm actually looking forward to it - not the being away from home part but the being in the office alone part. No interruptions. Quiet and time to plow through things.
Me time is officially over. Scandal is crazy good and I can't wait to watch the next episode...maybe tomorrow morning. Same time....same Netflix.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)