Happy New Year

~~~~~~ New York! ~~~~~~

Just kissed my sweet hubby and we are enjoying the V. Sattui Moscato - a delicious sparkling wine.....

I doubt I will be vertical when the west coast hits midnight - so we're celebrating now.

2012 is going to be a great year - 2011 was great in many ways and very challenging in others. SomeMany of those challenges are resolved and/or resolving which should make this coming year a little easier -

I start this year totally immersed in gratefulness for my many blessings. Have abundant love in my life and so many other blessings - truly, we are so incredibly blessed. God is so good.

Two days left of our wonderful seventeen day vacation - a stay-cation of the finest kind.

Happy New Year, everyone - may 2012 bring you any and all things you desire - blessings to you and yours from me and mine.

Christmas 2011

Awesome, wonderful day finishing up here. We're still waiting for dinner to be done - I am starting to think our oven temp is off by about 50 degrees or so. The prime rib is out and looks delicious. Side dishes and rolls are in the oven. Pie is awaiting top crust, milk wash, light sprinkling of sugar and then a bake while we eat. It's blackberry and it's going to be delicious!

Santa was very good to us and J. and I are both loving our new Kindle Fires. I LOVE being able to have access to recipes online without printing - it will save a lot of time, paper and clutter to just look up recipes and use the Kindle right in the kitchen. I bought FOUR books for $1.99 - all four for 50 cents each! It's a new series and seems interesting. Vampires. I know. What is it about that 'theme'? But it's entertaining and a nice escape which is what reading is for me. This series is about a housewife/mom who is attacked and becomes a vampire - and then started being a private investigator so she could work out of her home. It's fun already - looking forward to all the books in the series.

The boys have been quietly ensconced upstairs most of the day - H.'s room got some 'spiffing up' in the form of a lava lamp and black light - which he is crazy about. I gave the OK for he and his friends to 'graffiti' one of his walls as long as it's not anything obscene or bad language. He's excited about that - fluorescent paint! A project to keep him busy before the next semester of school starts.

B. got a running gadget that he's very excited about - it syncs his music to his pace and he loves it!

We had a wonderfully fun morning with lots of laughs. Chloe got her annual packet of toys and was so excited - as always!

It's been a beautiful Christmas and I'm looking forward to snuggling with my Kindle shortly after dinner. The dishwasher is on it's 3rd run of the day and one more to go. We have leftover homemade quiches for breakfast tomorrow - and cinnamon rolls, too!

This week, we plan to head to Livermore for a Casa O dinner - Santa brought us gift cards!

I hope everyone had a wonderful day....Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Eve 2011

Church was lovely - but not as lovely as in the past. No communion which really disappointed me. One of my favorite parts has been singing "Silent Night" with just candle light and feeling the warmth of communion. They skipped it - we had the candlelight but they handed us our candles as we came in - though our pastor said 'come back at 11PM - we're serving communion at that service'. It was a long service even without communion - so I sort of see why they skipped. But it's disappointing. Change is always hard - I'm always saying that, I know - and it feels so different with our new music director. I just don't like his 'style' - it's hard to describe - but I don't care for it. I want the music to speak for itself - and he talks a lot. 'Preaches' a lot - which I don't feel is his 'role'. I know it seems 'judgy' - it feels 'judgy'....but I don't want every song to be interspersed with him. I want the music to be THE MUSIC - and that is enough.

He did a very 'upbeat' fast-paced 'Oh Holy Night' - my favorite of all Christmas carols - but it should be reverent and grand. Not fast and lively. It felt totally wrong to me. Really disappointing.

On a great note, though - for the first time I can ever recall - I did not have an ounce of sadness in my heart. We honored our parents with poinsettias on the altar (as we do every year) and I really, truly felt they were right there with us. Not one choked up moment or any teary eyes. Just the joy of celebrating the birthday of Jesus - it felt great! I miss my mom - but I felt her with me....and I haven't felt that in a long time. That part was lovely.

The boys came home and H. went out to visit a friend who is Muslim. They spend Christmas Eve together every year. He just got home. B. watched a little bit of The Santa Clause and he went upstairs. J. is putting the finishing touches on getting stuff ready - and I'm heading up to bed soon. Hoping to be up around 7ish to put on a big pot of coffee and get a couple home-made quiches in the oven for breakfast.

We invented a new beverage - from scratch hot cocoa with eggnog and just a teeny bit of brandy! (The boys didn't have the brandy part....just me and J.). It was delicious!

Tomorrow's dinner is prime rib, mashed potatoes, roasted brussels sprouts, green bean casserole, crescent rolls and blackberry pie for dessert. Or cobbler. Haven't decided which one.

Looking forward to our happy morning - Christmas is always one of the best days of the year. It's fun and relaxing and always worth all the effort.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Blessings to you all - near and far.

Peace on Earth

Pannini

I have no idea how to spell pannini - and it's not in the dictionary. I'm referring to the delicious, grilled sandwich not an Italian painter.

Anyway....things are humming along here today. We got out the pannini grill and whipped up delicious sandwiches - just like Raley's only better! Yummy! I'm picturing toasted Nutella sandwiches for breakfast tomorrow - we don't have Nutella and have never had Nutella but a friend of mine raves about it and can't keep it in her house 'cuz she will eat the entire jar with a spoon - that sounds pretty delicious! So I'm convinced we need to try it - and intend to get some at the grocery later today.

The tree is finally 'finished' - and my sweet husband took the time to set up my beautiful nativity scene. I will post a pic soon - it is one of my all time favorite things in my life. The pieces are stored individually in their boxes protected by styrofoam. It's not easy to get them all unpacked and repacked each year - but it's so pretty. I finished the collection via e-Bay the year I had been laid off from my banking job. Spending money on things was the absolute LAST thing I should have been doing at that point - but I found a bunch of pieces on eBay I never knew existed (it's an Avon set) and so I bought every one I didn't have. It's complete....and a family treasure, I hope.

H. is helping me clean out cupboards and drawers in all the bathrooms. He's also doing yard work, etc. I know it sounds like he's just the best kid ever (and he IS a wonderful person with a great heart and a keen mind - he is very smart and his first semester of college seems to have solidified that for him, which is great!) but he's really motivated by needing money. So it's a win-win. He helps me with chores that are time consuming and hard - and we have beautifully organized bathroom cupboards and tons of trash stuff culled out! It's great!

There are Amazon packages everywhere and wrapping tables set up in two rooms upstairs. We've shipped most of the gifts - thought we were done and then J. had to get things from his brother for the nieces so we need to get those in the mail tomorrow - they won't make it there by Sunday but they will arrive Monday or Tuesday. I did my best to not be irritated that we had just shipped our gifts to the same two girls the day before - planning is not a family strength, apparently.

I worked a bit on Tuesday - arrived just in time to have the custodial staff be starting the process of cleaning the carpets - so I went next door and my boss was working - he was ready for lunch so we had a pleasant, delicious meal at a sushi place that we don't get to often. Back to the office for a couple of hours of tidying up - not enough to 'count' and yet good to feel like I was culling/tidying out there, too. I don't plan to work much this week but will work a bit next week. And I'm OK with that...have many projects looming and the more I get going on them, the less torturous January will be.

Heading back upstairs to continue culling the boys bathroom. I found a ton of those 'fizzy' bath things - H. is so excited. He LOVES putting those fizzy balls in his bath -

And every day so far this break, he has lovingly traveled to Starbucks to get his mama a daily Trenta iced tea. I could brew it here but it's a 'treat' - and since I'm not spending my usual $3 at McDonald's everyday (egg burrito and two large iced teas), I can 'splurge' on one awesome iced tea.

It's going to be a great Christmas. I can feel it!

Happiness

Earlier this week, I lunched with a former co-worker. His role in our district was an interim Administrator and he's moved on to his next assignment. He's currently working at the other school district in my town so it was a great opportunity to visit with him while he's still nearby.

He gives good counsel and is someone I admire and respect. He's had so many things in his life that could color his glasses a dull shade of gray - but he lives a happy, blessed, meaningful life....in spite of it all. He is one of the most selfless, ego-less people I've ever met and his desire to do the right thing just shines through in all he does.

We had a great time reminiscing about his stint in our district....catching up on all the happenings since he left.

And we talked about being happy.

Do you ever wonder why some people manage to be so miserably unhappy day after day after day? We've all met them - probably even worked with them. Maybe even lived with them. They (apparently) wake up every single day and look for something to be pissed off about. They find reasons to be miserable. They create crisis because as long as there's something for them to moan and groan about, they feel 'good' about their days.

I think I sort of used to be like that - my younger years were fraught with tons of drama. Every little thing a crisis. And then I grew up and 'matured' (whatever that means). And I also learned to step outside my perspective and my experiences and consider someone else's. Crisis creators can't do that very well. They can't step outside their box.....

Every single day, we wake up with the opportunity to start over. Every single day is a fresh start. I love how God has provided such a wonderful gift - sleep to restore and refresh us and the day starting anew every 24 hours. Whatever happened yesterday is done and over and mute. And today is just full of new opportunities and new possibilities. A chance for happy every single moment of every single day.

And happy starts with awaking and choosing to be happy. It is a choice.

Sure, some days you just can't get past it all. Been there....recently, in fact. But most days, I wake up choosing to give myself a fresh start. Choosing to forget whatever happened the day before (or the day before that....etc.) that had me so flummoxed. Maybe waning memory skills as we age is another of God's gifts 'cuz the forgetting does seem to be easier.

My friend reminded me to cut myself some slack...and to start anew everyday. And to forgive those around me who find happiness to be such a challenge. They just haven't learned how to 'reset' each day - and maybe they never will. Leading by example is the best thing I can do for them - and for myself.

Hump Day

We're so close to the break, we can almost....taste it? Feel it? Believe it may actually, truly be HERE? Today and tomorrow are meeting days and Friday is a catch-up day with few scheduled things - and then it's home free.....

I've done most of our shopping on the Internet so the entry way and living room are littered with a wide variety of packages. Looking forward to an evening at home this evening (and hopefully getting home by 4ish which I have not been able to do in some time) and starting to get things unboxed and wrapped. This weekend, we will ship to family and hope they make it in time. I think most will -

I've got another 'ear thing' which I'm attempting to ignore. I have an appointment Monday with the ENT and there's nothing I'd love more than to arrive with an ear infection and show her that THIS is what I'm talking about - lingering, ongoing symptoms that leave me feeling malaised and exhausted - and won't resolve without antibiotics. So I sort of hope to continue the (fairly) mild symptoms until that appointment on Monday - which will include a throat scope because I still maintain that the source of the issue is in my voice box area...where no doctor can see without special tools....

We have our work party tomorrow evening and I am still debating about my White Elephant gift - I have no idea what to get for a gift when it's supposed to be stupid, pointless and meaningless. It just seems wrong - but we have been gifting our recipient for a couple weeks with little surprises here and there....so perhaps ending with something totally ridiculous isn't that 'wrong'. It's just hard for me to gift something like that.....

That's it for now - time to head out into the cold to defrost the ice off the car windows. Three car garage and no cars in it....something's wrong with that....

Weekend Plans

I lunched with a co-worker today and she asked 'so what are your plans this weekend?' And for the first time in a very, VERY long time, I responded:

I AM NOT WORKING!

Yeah! I am so excited about a weekend off, I am practically giddy! I resolved all the issues, prepped for board, prepared all the 'stuff' I am required to prepare and am ready to go. Next week will be busy and it's a slide into Winter Break! I am getting excited about Christmas and can't wait to go shopping tomorrow. And wrap gifts for family and get them ready to ship.

Maybe even do Christmas cards. We haven't done those in such a long time - but it would be nice to start again. I think I stopped the December of 2001 because after 9/11, I just didn't have the will to write meaningless family details given what was still so recent of a monumentally horrible event in our history.

But it's 2011 now and maybe it's time. Even just a couple quick notes to people I do think of often and appreciate hearing from now and then.

The tree is in the house and we WILL decorate this weekend (family, are you listening?)!

This time a week from now, I'll be hysterically happy about being off for SEVENTEEN straight days!!

Lumpy

I've been feeling 'on edge' lately....walking on egg shells with a giant lump in my throat and tears almost always ready to spill over. The slightest little thing can set me off....

True, work has been hugely challenging lately. Maybe five years is 'enough' of this madness? I dream of just having a 'job'. Just a job. I go in at 8. I leave at 4:30. I take two 15 minutes breaks and walk or sit and read. I go to the park for lunch or home to walk the dog. I do good work that I enjoy with really nice people and at 4:30 every day, I pack it up and go home, leaving work behind....until the next day.

I don't have that kind of job. Never had have that kind of job. I've been managing people since I was 20. And I'm proud of that. And I am blessed - ya'll know I feel that way...truly blessed. My job is a wonderful job. But it is not an eight hour a day job and I have been 'out of sorts' about all that for a month or more. Haven't quite been able to figure out what's up with my psyche. I am angry and pissy and overwhelmed and fed up. And as hard as I try, I can't figure out what has me in such a funk - 'cuz really, I love the work! I really do! So WTF is up with me??

This morning, as I pulled out of the driveway, I realized why. Late last night, J. reminded me. Pretty sure this is when it all started....

B.'s car wasn't here this morning - and that's because he went to Sacramento last night. This is actually the second time in about a month he's been up there - he is taking his medical exams for enlisting.

The first time he went, I literally had that painful sore throat feeling you get when you are all choked up about something and just want to cry for hours. All day.

And that day, he came home so discouraged. He hadn't been able to do some 'move' - couldn't squat down and JUMP up without using his fingers or something to 'touch' the floor as he stood up. A 'required' move for being a Ranger, apparently. He was so down....sure he'd blown it.

I had walked around that entire day with that lump in my throat - and when he came home all discouraged, my instinct was to 'seal the deal'. Tell him it was for the best. He should just continue going to school, working at Savemart and figure out 'what's next' when the 'what's next' actually got there - after he graduates with some four year degree from a school he can attend without him (or us) having to go into debt to pay for it.

But I didn't do that. I tamped down the ache in my throat - and helped him think it through. He psyched himself out about that move. Worried that the knee he dislocated his freshman year of high school would do something like dislocate again (worst case) or make a lot of noise or lock up. So he scared himself into not doing that move. And I told him 'so worst case is: you wanted to be a Navy Seal and you are only going into the Rangers because you want that in your contract. So you go into the Navy and work your way into the program - risk that it's not in your contract but it's always been what you want - so just go for what you want to do. And it will all work out'. It was a good talk - and I was proud of my 'mothering' - something I admit I often don't feel patient enough to do. But I did it.

About 20 minutes after that conversation, he did the move - all on his own. Look Mom, no hands! And then he thanked me for talking to him about it and said it really helped.

This morning, his car wasn't here because he went up for the re-test. A lot hinged on today in his dream plans. And as I pulled out of the driveway, the lump was there again - in all it's glory. I felt on the verge of tears most of the day....

He did fine. He didn't even have to do the damn move for this doctor - they did feet xrays and examined his feet - measured his toes, etc. So we'll see -

All you ever dream for your kids is that they find something they feel passionate about and do it well.

And that's what I'm learning right now - that it's not my dream that counts. It's theirs. It's his. This is what he's always wanted - it's the one thing he's stuck with (sure, the branch of service has changed over the years) - but military is what he's wanted for a long time.

And it appears it may happen. If all goes according to plan, he will head to basic training in Georgia sometime close to the start of summer. Still much to 'wait and see' about - but that's what it's looking like for now.

I need to let go. And I need to get Skype.

And a huge, HUGE hello to my Aunt M. who left a comment!! Yeah!! There are people actually reading - thank you so much, my sweet M. I love you!!

Chilly

7:30AM on Saturday - I've been up for an hour. Loaded the dishwasher as quietly as I could. Paid bills online. Confirmed we are solvent for at least the next week. Opened some mail that has been piling up and put 98% of it in either shred or recycle. Will start dishwasher momentarily when I head upstairs to shower. This is a weekend but I am treating it as a 'normal workday' in an effort to get my brain to accept what has to be done before I can sleep tomorrow night. Someone called me yesterday to follow-up on something I 'owe' him - our annual audit - and I basically had to politely say that I am whittling away at things as quickly as possible - it's going to be a long, long weekend of long, long days - but the weight will lift. I know this time of year is always massively crazy...and I manage to survive every year.

H., two of his friends and J. went to the Stockton Thunder hockey game last night - the elementary school the boys attended had their band invited to play the National Anthem...I was so relieved when the girlfriend of H.'s friend wanted to go 'cuz I really needed to just make it an early Friday evening and was more than happy to give her my ticket. Sounds like they had a great time and there were a lot of fights - J. will tell me more later. Why is that such a 'thing' in hockey? Isn't it poor sportsmanship to fight? I don't get that. There's a bobble head on the kitchen counter so it must have been a give away night.

It's cold in here. The street is piled high with leaves for the sweeper - only every house in the neighborhood (including ours) has cars parked on the street - so the poor sweeper can rarely get to the leaves. All carefully piled up to await the next gale that blows through and scatters them again. Our neighborhood is now 11 years old so the trees are HUGE - so many leaves EVERYWHERE. And all of our neighbors have trees that lose leaves hanging over our fences so we get the joy of raking their leaves, too....

That's it - this is all the 'leisure' time I can afford - I have work I could do at home but I know myself. It's hard to work at home - too many distractions. I'm better off just being in my office and plowing through.

Two more weeks before Winter Break.....

Getting a Grip

Holy crap, people....this has been such a week. Seriously - one of the hardest work weeks I've EVER had and as this blog can (and does) allude to, that's saying something.

I am so hard on myself. Mistakes happen and they are fixable. I always tell everybody that - it's fixable. But when it comes to applying that mantra to myself, I seem incapable. Which is ridiculous. And then I beat myself up for being hard on myself....and the spiral starts. And dooowwwwwnnnn we go.....

The issues are officially resolved though not without a fair amount of self-doubt, frustration and a desire to pack it in, sell our house and go live in a trailer on a beach somewhere. All completely do-able - at least sort of.

If only I didn't enjoy the 'creature comforts' so much - like running water, heat and AC, food, Starbucks and high speed internet. Oh - and a milk frother/warmer for my lattes. And the latte machine. Guess that's a big list already - which is why we don't live in a trailer and why I don't want to quit, actually.

I will be working all weekend - and I have worked 12+ hour days all week this week. And worked two days last week though I swore I wouldn't. And one of the things I'm beating myself up about is that I should have worked ALL week last week - but I didn't. And the stuff hitting the fan about that decision started around noon on Monday and hasn't let up since.

It's a long, slow slide into the winter break....which I was really looking forward to only the events of this week make me feel like I'd better just keep working 'cuz once you're behind, you pay for it somewhere down the road.

I need to head upstairs (it is 8:14PM) so I can get up again at 3 and be in my office by 5ish if at all possible. This morning, I dared to 'sleep in' until 5:30 but I paid for that 'cuz I didn't have my morning 'alone' time (people start arriving around 7) and that set the day in motion for another day of doing a zillion things that I didn't have on my MUST DO TODAY OR ELSE list.

I know it will be OK....it always ends up OK. The self-loathing lifted a bit yesterday as I reconfirmed with my boss the status, the plan, the correction and confirmation that I was done fretting about it and I was moving forward.

But today brought all that and then some crashing back...for no particular reason except that there is just so much 'drama' commencing around a host of other things that I cannot write about, I get mired down in it. It's not possible to completely shield myself from it - and as it affects others I am responsible for, it's on my watch so that requires 'miring' by definition.

For every horribly hard moment I have, there are dozens more that are amazingly great - and those will arrive again soon. They always do. I just hope I'm awake when they start so I'll notice.

Yesterday, J. left a note on the counter to please turn on his coffee maker (he drinks drip coffee). He had to up very early (just after 4) to go in for a breakfast meeting. I was so disoriented (I had apparently sat up pretty much asleep for 20 minutes 'cuz I was shocked to realize it was 4 - I was sitting up by 3:30) that for some reason, the lack of a light on his coffee pot (timer wasn't set) indicated it was unplugged. I can't reach the plug - sometimes I think this house was built for giants or people with freakishly long arms - so I had to get our little step stool so I could reach. Then I sat there pondering why the light still wasn't on. I had plugged in the blender. His coffee pot was plugged in - finally my brain kicked in and I just pushed the 'brew now' button so it would start. Then instead of pouring the water out of my milk warmer, I poured milk into the sink and started warming water....the water I put in it every night to rinse it. So that's why I slept in a bit this morning. I didn't want a repeat of 'vertical but not really functioning at optimum efficiency' episode of yesterday.

It's 8:30 and I need sleep. Everything's monumentally better after some sleep.