Humming

I took today off - unplanned. We had our meeting with H.'s education counselor...it went well. But it just sort of put me over the edge on the exhaustion/stress/I want to go back to bed scale - so I took the whole day off. Piddled around the house and took a nap...which I really needed because I truly slept about an hour last night. I felt exhausted - and that was even with sleeping in until after 6.

On one of my trips outside with the dog, I noticed this little gal. She waited patiently for me while I went in and got the camera...and she sat patiently while I snapped a couple shots. We've just pruned this tree back a bit and those teeny, tiny twigs that are sticking out are perfect for these little sweet birds. It was hot today and I think she was looking for shade.

I know she's hard to see - but she's directly in the center.....

She was very calm and patient. She was a good example.....

She obviously doesn't have teenagers.

Foreboding

Today's post title says it all - that's how I feel. There's a sense of foreboding in the air these days, with me. I am filled with foreboding about the week ahead. Preparing for the trip. Making the trip. Leaving things at home....well, leaving them at home.

I took dragged H. to the grocery with me - breaking one of the HUGEST rules about grocery shopping: do not take a 6' 2" 17.33 year old male teen with you to the grocery store. You will spend twice as much as you planned. And most of what you purchased will be consumed inhaled within a day or two. I'll more than likely be at the grocery again before leaving for the weekend to stock up on easy-to-fix, quick things for teens. Either that or loading their Visa Buxx cards with cash and they can eat out all weekend.....

I'm not feeling 'connected' to H. these days - back to the days of him coming and going with little or no interaction. I'm not sure what to do about it, really - when he's here, he's making me absolutely crazy. I won't share details of things - but he's really pissing me off lately. So it's so hard to try to cross that bridge with him - to get past the zillions of little pissy things happening and try to get back to communicating better. Or communicating at all.

He's doing very well in school - J. is hugely assisting with the success by taking the time to map out each day's work. Gives H. a list of assignments to complete to keep him on track. We have a meeting with his school 'counselor' (Education Coordinator) to confirm he's on track and doing OK - the meeting is Monday morning and it's our first. So we're curious to see how it goes.

With all that's happened with H. in the past year, it's just still hard to fathom sometimes the things that are 'history' and yet still lingering. I have huge trust issues with him - I know I do. There's not even any real reason for them - but I can't shake them. I still am never really sure that he's being honest - though I try hard to think he is. I want to believe he is. But it's a constant struggle for me.

So the thought of leaving him alone for basically 24 hours is just not sitting well with me. A lot can go horribly wrong in 24 hours - with both of them, but in particular, H. Left to his own devices, he may 'hang' with people he shouldn't hang with and be tempted with things he shouldn't be tempted with - and not be able to resist. I worry a lot about that - in part because if he relapses, we will absolutely find out and then our 'serious consequences' come into play. And I don't really want to go there - but I know I will. He will be peeing into a cup for me within hours of me being vertical the morning I'm home - and within minutes of him being vertical the same morning. So if he's up to something he shouldn't be, I will 'catch' him.

Apparently all of the above combined with a whirlwind trip across the country, to three states in one day and repeating that two days later, combined with visiting family that I rarely see (including possibly seeing some family I have intentionally not had any contact with in close to 4 years) has led my hair to sprout more gray hairs than I've EVER had - and they're not just at my temples - they are ALL OVER MY HEAD. It's shocking how gray I realized I am this weekend - J. said 'well, are you going to self-color again or maybe try a rinse'? No - I'm just letting it go. On a good note, the texture of my hair is coarser and thicker (another reason I know I'm going gray). But wow...I'm really showing my age these days.

Poor kids - soon, they will have TWO parents with silver hair.

WW update for those interested: I've been VERY good all week - stuck to my points perfectly, including allowing for my two cheese enchilada dinner on Friday night. And I've lost a whopping 1/2 pound.....

I'm not using that low loss as an excuse. I'm sticking with it. We took Chloe for a walk yesterday..and I'm going to pick up my physical activity 'cuz I know that's key. At some point, my body's going to recognize that I am eating a lot less - and moving more....and then the weight will start to come off. Little by little.

Busy work week ahead - boss is on vacation so I'm hopeful I can 'catch up' a bit on some things. Though I'll be off on Friday so that makes for a shorter week.

South C

I'm going to choose my words very carefully, because my sister will be reading this and I don't want her to think for one single second that I'm not really excited to be embarking on a journey with her.....because I am.....

Somewhere between a few days ago and this morning, when I realized my sister was going to SC to be with our brother next weekend, I decided 'well, if she's going, then I'm going to go'. So I am. I'm going to SC for basically one day - flying out Friday morning into a city 2+ hours drive away from where he lives, driving there and then making that same trip back home Sunday. Spending Saturday with him and family and friends as we celebrate the life of our wife/mom/sister/sister-in-law/friend.

The minute I hit the purchase button on the non-refundable ticket, I thought 'you are insane. Or you will soon go insane'. I don't like to travel, really. Home is where I most love to be and I don't like my routine messed with. I like to go to bed when I want; eat when/what I want. I don't like airplanes with recirculating air and connections. I don't like aisle seats (you get bumped too much with the drink cart); window seats (because you'll inevitably have to use the restroom and then you have to inconvenience everyone around you to go and so you don't go and then you're just miserable); middle seats (speaks for itself - being the pickle in the middle is the pits). I don't like airline food....or airport food. I don't like schlepping luggage; taking off shoes and removing laptops at security. Nor the full body scan these days. I don't like travel size shampoos and being careful about what's in your purse that may get you moved to the 'might be trying to blow up a plane' section of the security check in. There's so much crap in my purse at any given moment that there's always the possibility there's a liquid in there that I don't even remember ever being there..and I quite possibly won't be able to identify it.

Suffice it to say that I can't believe I decided to do this. But I did. And I am.

Traveling with my sister will be fun - because everything we do together is fun. We are good together and balance each other out. So I know it will be a nice weekend.

But I'm leaving the kids home alone for a long day (J. coincidentally departs on a business trip the Sunday I return - he will leave our home around 3AM to go to the airport that morning and I will get home (hopefully) by midnight that night). 'Home alone' is not something we do these days and yet, we will. I know they will be OK. But I still worry.

At this point, I plan to have a good, strong shot of something before boarding the plane and hope I sleep most of the way. I will buy trashy magazines to read on the plane and bring my iPod touch which I plan to load with some 'apps' this weekend. I will try really hard to be flexible and remember that the weekend is for my brother and his kids. And we will make the best of it - we will bridge the distance (geographically and other) and maybe, just maybe, bridge the gap between us just a teeny, tiny bit.

I love him. He is my brother. And there was a time in my life when I thought he hung the moon and single handedly kept it suspended. While I don't think our relationship will ever get back to that, we hopefully will at least reconnect slightly. Even if it's just ever-so-slightly. I owe it to him to try - and I owe it to his wife who I know left this earth with her last thought being about him being OK.

He is not alone. He has family who loves him very much - and time and distance have kept us from expressing that as often and as readily as we should.

So my 'stress' over going is nothing. Going is what is the best thing to do -

And if I end up totally miserable (which I won't) but if I do, I'll be thinking of what my mom would always say when something was happening that was hard and you thought you'd never get through it. She'd say (and I can hear her voice and I'm smiling as I write this 'cuz I really do hear her) 'Honey, you could stand on your head for that long if you had to. It'll be fine'.

I know she and my sister-in-law are getting a kick out of watching the 'show' from above. Glad we can provide entertainment for their viewing pleasure.

Food-less

I started Weight Watchers (again) today.

I am starving. And worse, I finished my 'lunch' at 11AM and only had 1/2 point left FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. Guess I'll be dipping into my 'reserve' points (which I usually try to save for weekend splurges). Oh, and seriously modifying my breakfast/lunch selections to provide more food for far fewer points. The yogurt I love is way too many points, so it's back to Yoplait. Not as high in protein - but also less fattening. I could eat two Yoplaits for the one serving I'm having of my current yogurt - so out it goes.

On a good note, I do love how very easy it is to realize that I have been seriously over eating.

It will be a hard few days. I have a headache (lack of sugar? Hungry? Realizing that I'm never going to eat the same again and it's giving me a pounding headache? Any of the above? All of the above?).

I left work after a 3/4 day - prearranged this morning, before I knew I was starving, had a headache and had no points left for the rest of the day. Had to run some errands that I didn't get to this weekend....and I have a night time work related commitment that will keep me out of the house until close to 9. Crap. Why do I do these things? I need to learn to say 'sorry, but I can't.'

Hopefully, a short day tomorrow, too...3/4 again. And then off on Friday. I was going to take most of next week off - but everyone else is off - which means I have to be there. Oh well. I'll get a lot done with very few meetings next week.

The house is quiet. Kid #1 at work; kid #2 at a friends house. Dog sound asleep in the sun on the floor near me. She's on her side, doing her 'dead dog' pose.

She's breathing. I keep checking.

I'm going to get a carrot. Sorry for this absolutely most-boring post.....I am not giving in this time. I know I need to eat differently - and I have the tools at my disposal to do better.

I am going to do something 'physical' to eke out a couple activity points so I can eat some protein tonight.....does baking banana bread (which I won't eat, of course, 'cuz it's too many points) count as physical activity?

OH, I'm saved - I ran errands. Including schlepping two 20 pound boxes of cat litter, a 10 pound bag of cat food, 3 small cases of canned cat food and various other bird stuff into the cart, onto the counter to pay, back into the cart, into the car, and then out of the car and into the house. And now I have to schlep it upstairs - and put it all away....so that's at least one point. Maybe?

I'm rationalizing, aren't I?

She Says Hello

I'm a firm believer that this life is not 'the end'. I think there's something after - hopefully, for me as a Christian, heaven....and for me, as a human with my own ideas, I believe heaven will be as amazing as I can imagine.

I frequently have 'God moments' throughout my days....little things that happen that (to me) are God giving me a little nudge. Things have a way of working out - something I suddenly feel concerned about - like 'where do I have that insignificant piece of information that I now desperately need' - and minutes later, it will appear - I'll just 'find it' - in a stack on my desk...or I'll suddenly recall who sent it and where I filed it. I know these things may seem like coincidences - but to me, they are God. He hears my needs and my prayers and He wants me to know that He is listening and watching - and He helps when He can. I believe that - because it happens to me all the time. Every day....

Yesterday, I had a couple things happen that are so incredibly random and surreal. I hesitate to share them 'cuz I know some will read these words and think 'wow, Majah's a whack job'. But for me, there was a lot of comfort in these small things - a lot of significance in the occurrences.

I have not seen my sister-in-law (who died on Friday) in decades. We are not a part of each others daily lives - but there was a time when we were very close. I missed that closeness after I moved out and into my own apartment. Missed it during the years my boys were little. She raised two boys, too, and I wished our closeness extended to us chatting about little boys and all the little things that go into raising them.

I did small projects around the house yesterday - continuing our 'culling out' process. Maybe I'm motivated because we have so much junk that we could sell at a garage sale - and $ to help with the Disney trip would be great. Maybe it's because I figure if I'm torturing my oldest son (still requiring him to work on his room two to three rubric items per weekend), I'd better set an example and cull out my stuff too.

I cleaned out the drawers of my nightstand. A small amount of stuff for garage sale; some books for the library donation box. Some things just trashed. And way in the back of the top drawer....sort of smashed up and under some other stuff, was a small business card size plastic folder, filled with fabric swatches. These 2" x 3" fabric samples are all solid colors - they are the colors 'best' for me. The gold label of the 'studio' we went to in Upland, CA, was still on the folder. My sister-in-law had given me a 'color pallet' session as a gift - birthday, I think. We went and learned the colors that best suited us - and we received fabric swatches to remind us. I hadn't seen those swatches in decades....but there they were. Waiting for me in the top drawer of a night stand I very seldom open. I said 'Hi, J.' as I noticed the gold label....realizing what they were.....I know she sent me to the drawer to find them. Sort of like a 'Hi, I'm here and I'm OK' from beyond....

The second thing that happened occurred when I tried to do a Google search for any obituary. I don't expect one - no services of any kind so probably no obituary. But I searched just to see. I found her name on one of those 'people search' websites. Same age, same city, state. I knew it was her. I clicked through to the 'buy now' page - if you wanted to buy info on a person, you can. I didn't want to - but clicked through. And there it was...her relatives listed. And there I was - with a name I haven't used in 20+ years. My full legal pre-married name, including my current age of 50. Forever linked to her by that 15 months I lived with her in the late 70's. Her husband, her kids.....and me......shown as her family.

I smiled to myself.....because I know it's her. I know she's sending little things that help me know that she's around....and she is thinking of me the way I'm thinking of her.

Beef Bourguignon

We happened to watch Julie/Julia on Starz last weekend.....and since Sunday dinner is all about trying new things, and since tomorrow is my husband's 61st birthday (YIKES!), I am making Julia Child's Beef Bourguignon for dinner. On paper, it appears very complicated....many steps. But I plan to just 'make a day of it' - once it's simmering in the oven, it shouldn't be too bad. My souz chef will be playing golf for his birthday so I'll be 'on my own', pretty much. That's ok. As long as I keep the mind set of 'this is the kind of dish you work on as a 'project' not as a 'time to cook dinner' meal, I'll be ok. Thankfully, he wants chocolate cream pie for dessert - and the Claim Jumper frozen pie is delicious - so that will be easy.

We enjoyed a dinner out last night...we have not been out in close to a month, attempting to reel in our expenses. [We were very successful - shaved over $1,000 off our monthly outgo - thus proving we can spend less when we put our minds to it]. It was just three of us - me, J. and B. H. went to the high school football game with friends. We went to a little local restaurant called Four Corners. We've been before - and some nights, it's stellar and others it's just so-so. Last night was stellar. Everything there is home made - and I mean everything. The croutons, the bread, the butter pickles at the salad bar. It's all fresh and home made and last night, it was FANTASTIC. B. raved about the onion rings (nothing frozen here - freshly sliced onions dipped in a delicious batter and fried golden crisp - the were amazing!) and the bread. Even the hamburger buns are home made - so they don't look perfect, but they taste divine. I had prime rib - 'cuz I was in the mood for a 'home cooked meal I didn't have to cook'. It was delicious! It was a really nice dinner - good conversation. Good fun. Nice splurge. And it was $20 each including tax and tip - not too bad. Not inexpensive, but OK. Would have been a lot less if I'd had burgers like the two men did....my meal was really the biggest 'splurge'. Theirs were very reasonable. Delicious salad bar, too! OH - and my dinner had soup and salad and the soup was homemade clam chowder and it was DELICIOUS also! Nice evening.....

I will be heading out soon to shop for Sunday dinner and run some other errands. Lazy Saturday. B. left to visit a friend in Roseville and then he's camping tonight - some camp ground in Ripon (about 30 miles from here). H. spent the night with a friend and isn't home yet - but should be soon.

Happy Saturday!

Chasm

The newest member of our family (my nephew's new wife) pointed out that all families have their own culture - the culture created over generations of events, lives, histories. When you think of 'culture', you usually think of ethnicity or race - but it's true - a family has a culture all it's own, created on it's own by all the people in it.

For my side of the family, our culture has a huge amount of non-communication involved. I've shared my journey of years of therapy - learning to speak - finding my voice.....so ya'll know that communication is not something you're born with in my family. It's something you learn. Or something you don't. I chose to attempt to get past the legacy - and it took a LONG time. When I tell people just how long I took myself to counseling every couple/few weeks, they usually look shocked or stunned - 'cuz if you talk to me regularly, I seem pretty 'together'. And yes, I am, thank you very much. But that didn't come 'naturally'. That came by reinventing myself and learning a lot of 'stuff' that most people would rather not know....digging deep into the things about your life and your family dynamic that most people would oh-so-much prefer to just leave undone. That didn't work for me....but many people manage to make it through life without ever digging that deep.....and whatever works for you is perfectly fine.....

I received some sad news earlier this week that a family member is dying. It has been a huge shock and as most sad family things do, it has rubbed raw a lot of 'stuff' that you think you're 'done' with - and then you realize you're not.

I emailed my brother expressing my shock and sadness and concern....and said 'there are no words'. Which is so true. There have never been many words....a relationship so distant, the lack of words between us is the least of the chasm that keeps us separate. I could write a novel about the stories and history that got us to this place - and it would be only my story. Everyone has a story and every member of my family played a part - and our stories stay inside us 'cuz who wants to go there? Not me. Sure, I'll be in therapy for many, many years and go there with HER - but no, I don't see me and my siblings sitting down together and hashing it out. Ever.

But when these life events come up, you feel - at least for a brief, fleeting moment - that maybe this will be it. This will be the event that shakes us all up enough to bridge the gap.

And then you realize - as you've realized thousands of other times in your life - no, in fact, this life event won't be it, either. The life event will happen...we will all make it through (in our own little cocoons, safely ensconced in our own stories)....and any reaching out which occurred during the event will quickly be forgotten. And the lack of any appropriate response from 'the other side' makes the retreat back to the selfish 'safety zone' oh so much easier.

My brother's wife died today. In an email to another family member, he said it was peaceful and he was by her side. There will be no funeral. No services. All per their mutual agreement about what would happen 'after'. A possible 'party' (wake) at some point - but no firm plans.

My cousin said earlier this week (via email) 'people die as they live'. And that was so true. At the end of her life, it was as it had always been since they were married - the two of them. Just them. There's something perfect about that, in many ways.

And there's something sad about that, too......

I hope my nephews are doing OK.

Rest in peace, J.L.M. You were very loved - even by people who haven't seen you in decades. Even by your two nephews who live with their mom and dad in California, who never had the pleasure of meeting you. Ever.

You were like a sister to me, way back when......and I miss you.

Decades

Tomorrow is another birthday for a co-worker - she's turning 40. There are 4 women in our building (including myself) and three of us turned 50 this year - and tomorrow, the last big 'decade' birthday in our building will be celebrated. Our boss is turning 40 also - in November. It's been a year of milestones.

The one lone guy in our office turns 30 in a couple years...but 30's nothing.....

(Don't worry - we'll throw him a big shindig, too - it's our way.....)

We've had a good weekend here - much accomplished. Came home from working yesterday to find my husband busily painting the dining room ceiling. While he was at it, he also touched up the walls that needed touching up. The place looks all spiffy! Add to that new Crate and Barrel area rugs - such a deal! They were on sale (clearance) and 1/2 price. They look AWESOME! Really bright and pretty - and NEW. No stains. (These are much darker colors than the previous C&B rugs - so they won't show stains as much. And that's the whole idea behind having them - better to have stains on area rugs you can toss in the washer than on the carpet!).

We've been cleaning stuff out all weekend....started an official garage sale bin and it's already 1/2 full of 'stuff' that we've decided we would like to be soon parted from. Here's hoping. At the very least, those same items will be to Goodwill before the year's over - but if we can manage to sell them for any amount of cash, that would also be great.

Received some upsetting, shocking news today via email....a family member is critically ill and not doing very well. This is the first I've heard of the illness and it sounds like this person will not be on this earth much longer. It's brought to the surface and rubbed raw a lot of 'family crap' that is always intense and always hard to deal with. Our continued dysfunction is so sad in so many ways - and yet, none of us will do anything about it - including me. Someone asked 'so have you spoken to C. yet?'. And my internal reaction was 'no, why would I?' Not because that thought hadn't occurred to me - but because I haven't spoken to him in over a decade - why would that suddenly change now? It's not like I haven't at least made some attempt - I've sent messages via Facebook - no response. I receive a 10 word email for a Christmas thank you....that's about it. That's all the contact I've had with this family in over 10 years...so it's a little hard to pick up the phone and say 'hey, I'm so sorry to hear your wife is not doing well...'.

I lived with them my second year of college - and was closer to her than I was to my own sisters. That's not true now - my older sister and I are very close these days - but we weren't back then. So my brother's wife was like my sister. I had a lot of fun with her - and learned a lot from her. She is an amazing lady. And she's dying. And it makes me sad. Sad that I haven't seen her in over 20 years. Oh, I did see pictures of her son's wedding on Facebook (he's the nephew I found out was getting married on Facebook) - and had I not known to look for her, I wouldn't have recognized her. Still beautiful - just time doing it's thing and I didn't know it was her until the 2nd glance.

It was the same nephew who sent an email to me today to let me know - and I'm pretty sure his parents didn't know he was telling people. It doesn't surprise me a bit - we never heard about any milestones - no graduation announcements; no newsletters at Christmas. Birthday wishes stopped years ago...for all of us. They live in their own world....across the country from me.

My sister asked if I'd be going to any services - and I said probably not. Though I won't rule it out. It's hugely expensive to fly across the country on short notice - and I just don't want to spend that kind of money for something sad. The services will be hugely sad - but days affirming just how dysfunctional we are is not something I think I can do. No...wait....I'll be honest. I can do it. I am strong and emotionally tough and I can do it. I just don't want to. I really don't.

They are family - but the are not significant to me. I know that sounds incredibly harsh - and I don't mean it to. But my day-to-day life has had little to do with theirs in decades. DECADES. So the passing of someone I haven't seen in 20+ years isn't something that's going to suddenly draw me closer. It won't. I will be sorry for their loss - and sorry for mine. But it will be OK.

When I lost my dear Mr. B. a couple years ago, I really realized the significance of insignificance. I felt insignificant in his life - and I realize I was. His day-to-day life had absolutely nothing to do with me. I wasn't in his universe most of the time - I was just a former student. That's all. It hurt a lot at first to feel so slighted. To have not been invited to the services. His wife sent me a CD of the services - I'm sure she did that with the sweetest of intentions. But when the minister asked if there was anyone there who would like to say a few words about him, and no one went up to say anything - my heart broke into a zillion tiny pieces. Because I would have said something. I would have. And I think she knew that - and he knew that. And so the services were pre-planned and ready to go before anyone had any notice of them happening. The obituary was in the paper the morning of the funeral - no time unless you lived near there.

The people who were significant in his life were there. And they remembered him and shared stories about him - and those were amazing and wonderful. And I realized in that experience that the people you think are significant at one point in your life might not be significant at all at a later point. It's not that you don't care about them - you do. I still do. I love Mr. B. with all my heart and always will...and I will see him again someday and I can't wait for that. But I was not his family. I was not anyone central to his day to day living.

The same is true for my sister-in-law. I love her and think of her pretty often - had honestly had her on my mind a lot lately and now I know why.... But I won't rush to be with her during this time. She will be with those in her life who are the most important. Who are losing the most.

I do feel horribly sad for my brother - she is his whole world. And I can't imagine how hard this is for him. And I will get in touch with him....at some point. I don't know when - but I will. Because even if I am insignificant to him, he is my brother. And at points in my life, I thought he hung the moon - and kept it there. I remember those times....he'd bring jelly doughnuts and take me for ice cream. To Baskin Robbins. And I'd always get chocolate chip. And he'd say 'M., there are 31 flavors - why just plain old chocolate chip'? It was the same every time. Though he did finally get me to try strawberry cheesecake - and that was pretty darn good, too. After that, I'd get a scoop of each!

I do remember all those things.....

Witches Closing

Feeling a little melancholy because "Wicked" closed last night. Looked for articles on the 'final performance' via Google and found none. But did find that there was a cast change as of July 1st, so 'my' Elphaba (Eden Espinosa) and Glinda (Kendra Kassebaum) were no longer in the show. So now, I don't feel so bad about missing it 'cuz if I had seen it without the two of them in the starring roles, it wouldn't have been the same. So glad I didn't spend a fortune for a 'secondary sale' ticket. I would have been disappointed - and out $200+ dollars.

The campers returned home. They had a nice time. No cell service so we communicated by text message all weekend. I was just getting good at truncating every word -

B. announced on Saturday morning (to me, since I was the only one here) that he was thinking he wanted to move out 'for a couple weeks'. I said 'fine. I'll help you pack - let's go upstairs'. He said 'there are just some things happening here that I can't deal with anymore'. I asked him to elaborate. He said 'well, I just feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time 'cuz you and Dad are mad all the time'. I replied (very non-tone-like) 'well, we are pretty frustrated with you, B. We ask over and over for you to do the simplest things - and you basically refuse. You use ignoring us as a response. That's not acceptable, won't be acceptable - so yes, I do think moving out would be a great idea. Let's get to packing. Oh, and you won't be taking the car with you - it's our car and you're welcome to make an offer to buy it from us - but you can't afford the insurance on it, so no point in that. And you'll need to arrange to get a cell phone in your name - 'cuz you won't be on our plan anymore. You'll have to figure out how to get from Manteca (where his friend lives that he was planning to stay with) to Livermore and Tracy for work and school - via public transit, which will require more than double the time it takes you now. Possibly triple, maybe quadruple the time - all that waiting for the bus, frequent stops, etc. You'll definitely be budgeting your time differently. But that's OK - if you don't want to be here, which is evident in your behavior lately, then let's get to packing'.

Apparently not the reaction he was expecting since he skulked up to his room. Found him crying in his bed 15 minutes later. Suggested that instead of spending time crying, he work on doing what he was asked to do - clean his room - and in fact, I'll even help! We spent an hour making progress on the two neediest areas (believe me, we could spend days in there on the 'neediest areas' but we started with just two). Looks a lot better. Still some 'room for improvement' but we're taking it a step at a time. There was a noticeable change in 'perspective' that accompanied the effort on the chore list so we'll see how that goes. Frankly, both J. and I are more than ready to have him out of the house...so we'll see how long this lasts.

It's hard to realize that you can't do what you want to do...but everything has consequences. He just got another speeding ticket and he can't take a class for this one - so that's another point on his record. His insurance will go up again - or may even be canceled - in which case, he'll be moving up his date to enlist in the Navy a bit 'cuz we're not going to pay through the teeth for another policy for him. He can't afford it himself 'cuz he's had to pay for the last two semesters of school himself since he has failed to meet our 'minimum grade requirements' to be on our dime. All these little things that add up to not having enough money to pay for his own car insurance may be a consequence that will truly be life changing.

And all this while he gripes incessantly at how his job is scheduling him for 'too many hours'. 'I'm working full time this week - 40 hours - that's just not right'. Um, yes, it is 'right' 'cuz you need the money.

I resist the urge to point out that when I was his age, I worked two jobs, attended college 'full time', paid ALL of my expenses - car insurance, gas, books, tuition and room and board to the people I lived with - AND somehow managed to save up and have enough cash to move into my own (humble) apartment - and never lived with someone else again until I moved in with J. before we were married.

It's my version of 'when I was your age, I had to walk five miles in snow to get to school'.....it falls on deaf ears, usually. As most things do with him....

We call it 'Living in the Land of B.'.

It's a charming place to visit, but you wouldn't want to live there.

Camping

No, not me....I've never been a fan of sleeping on air mattresses....or cooking with propane on a camp stove. My idea of camping is Holiday Inn Express....

J. and H. are headed to Ft. Bragg this weekend for a spiritual retreat. I'm proud of H. for wanting to go and proud of J. for wanting to go with him. It will be a nice time for them to chill and relax with friends H. is making on his journey. It's a really nice group of people and they have been hugely welcoming to both of them - it should be a nice weekend trip.

B. is heading out to the gym and work - won't see him until morning. He has an assignment to clean his room by 8PM tomorrow or else.....so we'll see how that goes. The 'or else' is quite extreme and since he just reassured me that he is aware of the deadline and intends to meet the expectations presented, I won't go into the details here. He's been a total putz the past week or so but appears to be snapping out of his funk. We'll see. He got a speeding ticket day before yesterday and it's quite possible our insurance will be canceling him...so we'll see about that, too. If that happens, there will be major changes afloat around here.

I am enjoying a rare day off - and a four day weekend. Some work to do (brought it home) but nice to just veg for a couple days. I tried to sleep in - but since I fell asleep around 8:45ish while watching a taped Ace of Cakes episode - I got up at 5:30 this morning. Still felt good 'cuz that's at least 3 hours more sleep than I usually get.

It's looking like it will be a beautiful weekend - and three more days stretch ahead enticingly. Reading, sleeping, piddling around the house, errands, maybe a little shopping and possibly a movie. The possibilities are endless! It's just nice to have some 'alone' time. I miss J. and H. already - but I do enjoy my 'down' time on my own.

Grammar

I've been reading a blog that is written by a person I used to work with a long, LONG time ago. Several jobs ago. Knowing this person gives context to the stories that might otherwise be lacking....and knowing this person lets me overlook things about her writing that I might otherwise not be able to overlook....

Except....

It's very hard for me to read 'so glad I put ribs in the crock pot this morning. The house smelt so good when I got home.....'.

Um....it's so hard for me to not write 'you just used the word for a small, bony fish instead of the word 'smelled' which is what you intended'.

Stuff like this happens in her writing all the time. Everything is 'correct' and flowing nicely, and then all of the sudden, there's a completely wrong word thrown in - not just misspellings or typos...wrong words used in the wrong context.

It makes me crazy....

And people leave her glowing comments about 'love your writing' or 'you have such a way with words'.

Uh, yeah...she uses them incorrectly frequently.

Bugs me....and I stop reading. And sure enough, I read again one day - just decide to check in (like today) and there it is again....same thing. Over and over....

I don't know why it bothers me so much, but it does. Typos and misspellings I can look past. But using wrong words - completely wrong - bugs the heck out of me. And apparently no one ever gently corrects her so she knows she's making mistakes and can fix them. So they hang out there - post after post - forever. Which makes reading her archives too painful to attempt.

I have no idea why I'm telling you this....except it's 5:30AM and I'm tired and (apparently) grumpier than I'd like to admit.

I'm going to get ready for work and get my 'happy' on. Even if it kills me. Wouldn't want J. to find my dead body here in the study when he wakes up. It won't smelt good.