Thanks

Typical Thanksgiving. Have been cleaning and/or cooking non-stop since 8 AM this morning. The dishwasher has run no less than 7 times so far - with at least one more load to go to get all the crystal wine and water glasses washed and put away.

It was a smashing success and we gave away so many leftovers to the two single men attending that I will probably need to cook more tomorrow for us to have leftovers. But that's OK. It was delicious and filling and I am most thankful for the fact that this holiday comes once per year.

Nov. 21st was the 40th anniversary of my dad's death. Today (Thanksgiving Day) is my mother's birthday. November is a hard month for me and this November has been no exception. The 40th anniversary of the day that changed my life FOREVER is staggering to me this year for some reason.

I don't remember my dad much since I was only 6 when he died. I have a few memories of 'events' but no real memories of HIM - what he was like, what he looked like or sounded like. In talking more to my older sister this past year, though, I realize his death was much harder for her. She was a teenager when he died so she has lots of memories. She 'misses' him more than I do since she had more time to create memories with him and to really know him. And I'm getting to 'know' him a bit more through talking to her which has been really good for me. She said he always made sure he spent time with each of us every evening. I don't remember that but I know from her that he loved us very, very much. I wish I had known him better.

I wonder sometimes what our lives would have been like if he had lived. My mom would have stayed a 'traditional' stay at home mom. She would have been much, much happier and (to me and my little sister) a much 'better' mom. As it was, she was pretty much a shattered mess for most of my childhood and being 'happy' wasn't in her vocabulary. Still, she did a pretty darn amazing job of raising us and I'm grateful to her for that.

The dogs were miraculously perfect angels today. They didn't make a single bark toward our guests. Perhaps it was because they were out for a walk when all the company arrived so they didn't feel 'invaded'? Not sure but their NOT barking was a rare and wonderful thing. They stayed 'out' all day, running around downstairs and there wasn't a single accident - also a miracle. They are now wrestling in the study while I type this - we keep thinking they'll crash soon but they don't seem to be inclined to rest anytime soon. But I am heading upstairs for the night shortly. Glad the day was a success and admittedly, also glad it's over for another year.

Oh, and yesterday was Dani dog's 5th birthday. We celebrated by giving her one of the 'weiner dogs' from the Petsmart commercial which (like in the commercial) she carries with her off and on throughout the day. Too cute. Chloe got a pink one just like it - it's almost longer than she is. A new favorite 'game' is for the dogs to each have their weiner dog and one of the kids to be in the middle holding onto the weiners while the dogs wrestle them out of the kids hands. Too cute. We keep saying 'you really shouldn't eat your own kind' as they carry them around - but it really is cute.

I'm thankful for my family, for my new job and for my amazingly blessed life. I'm especially thankful for my friendship with my sister K. and for my husband J. who is my best friend and my 'love'. I am very blessed and I think knowing that is the thing I'm most thankful for.

Riding

Yesterday, we let B. drive us to the mall for dinner. And then today, I had him drive me to the hardware store to buy more mouse traps. Seems the 'traps' that are working the best are the 'sticky' traps - I had been against using them because I think they're inhumane - but the sneaky, smart mice didn't even consider entering the 'more' humane 'quick kill' traps we spent oodles of $$ on. They ARE landing on the sticky traps - so that's what we're using. They are still partying in the garage and I don't like hearing them through the walls in the study during the wee hours of the morning - so off to Ace we went to stock up on the sticky traps with peanut butter scent.

B. is doing a great job driving. He starts a little too quickly - jerks a bit when he accelerates. And he slows at times which make no sense to me - but he's being careful and paying attention. Following the speed limits, being careful about changing lanes, etc. So he's doing well and I only had to grab on to the hand hold once - he turned way too close to the curb for my comfort. Not too bad. I don't mind having him drive. He's going to take me to Costco first thing Wednesday to pick up the pies and flowers for Thanksgiving.

I used an hour of my life taking H. back to the mall this evening to search for jeans. Seems B.'s hand-me-downs are no longer acceptable attire and he has no long pants to wear. He wore shorts - long beachcomber shorts - to church this morning - against my preference but he did wear a collared shirt so there wasn't much else he could do. So I took him to Penney's where we spent close to an hour trying on pair after pair. Same size, same brand, different style fit completley different so we went back and forth a zillion times. Finally able to find 4 pairs that should get him through the winter. I hope 'cuz I don't want to have to look for any more attire for awhile.

We went to church this morning - the new official pastor is there now - this was his 2nd week. He is really great - fairly young, very passionate about his church and his faith. He has a great sense of humor and uses lots of 'visual aids' to get the message across. AND, it seems the church has 'relaxed' it's stance on who can take Communion and now, since J. and I are baptized and confirmed as Christians (me as a Catholic, now lapsed since I wasn't married in the church) and J. as a Lutheran (and it's a Lutheran church we're attending) we CAN now take Communion. And I'm really glad about that. Really, really glad. On Dec. 6th, we're attending an informational meeting for the boys to be confirmed. That will be nice. We are planning to attend the Thanksgiving Eve service as well and feel right 'at home' again at this church. It was a little strange when they were searching for the pastor - had at least one pastor fail to 'answer the call' and so we sort of waited until the church council found the right pastor. We think they really have. He's great.

I am past the constantly weepy stage of my adjustment to the realization I will have a 'new 'job. Getting more and more excited. I will meet with the HR director on the 28th to get the contract and benefit info. I hope my boss will help me 'review' the contract since I've never been an administrator in education before and I won't know what I should look for. I'm sure it will be fine. There's a part of me that sort of wishes I hadn't given quite so much 'notice' - it would have been nice to have three or more weeks off between jobs. But the two weeks I'll have will be plenty.

And to whomever it was that gave such great references to my new boss, thanks.

Success

The job is mine. Was called by the district superintendent Thursday and invited to meet with him one on one to discuss the job. Turns out it couldn't be any better - they know what they're getting, are arranging to invest time and get help (an interim CBO) to train me and feel they are making an investment in their district's future by ensuring I have the tools and training I need to be a long-term, successful CBO. I am honored. Humbled. And thrilled. The $$ is good, the opportunity is phenomenal and I accepted. On the spot. Which I didn't plan to do. I PLANNED to ask for a couple days to think about it. But it was just so right. It just felt like where I was supposed to be so I said yes.

Which I think is why I am now having a huge amount of 'cognitive dissonance' - aka 'buyer's remorse'. I KNOW I made the right decision. I know it. My head is fine with all of it. But my heart is a mess. I woke up at 3AM yesterday morning, typed my letter of resignation and started crying. Cried (sobbed, really) all the way to work. Met with my boss at 9AM and cried some more. He seemed resigned to my departure - and suggested that he would rather the other district (my new district) be the ones to pay for my winter break time. He quickly backed down when I reminded him that my motivation for wanting to stay on my current district's books had more to do with insurance than who paid for the time off. So he said OK. He also said 'it's just really bad timing'. I had no reply for that - since none of these events should come as any surprise to him and because there would NEVER be a right time. Ever. He remained quiet for the remainder of the day - though he did send out an amazing email to the entire college community advising them I was leaving. Which opened the floodgates of a day spent accepting congratualtions, teary people telling me they weren't sure how the college will survive without me. Flattering but I know it's not true. The college will go on quite nicely. They will find 'another' Majah and s/he will be good and life will move on. And that Majah will be in a job with a much loftier title, making way more money than I did - and I know that will be happening, expect it to happen and am fine with it. Whatever. Had I stayed, that 'new' job might have been mine - but I'm not waiting around to find out. I've waited. I've been patient. I'm moving on.

So now I've been listening to songs over and over and over - which is what I do to work things through. "Not Ready to Make Nice" is the current fave. So is "Goodbye My Lover" - (don't read ANYTHING into that title) - I am leaving a lot of really amazing friends - and that song is all about leaving someone you love - which is how I feel. Everyone who works at the college is like my family - deeply loved family. And it is tearing my heart out to leave. I am just so sad. Really, really sad. And then I get excited. And then I get sad, again. And it's been like that from Thursday afternoon on. My eyes are a puffy, swollen, dreary mess. I am exhausted from crying. Usually, I just have a good cry and I'm done. Not this - not now. I can cry seemingly at the drop of a hat and can't seem to 'stop' my emotions from overwhelming my logic. I'd blame it on hormones but I know it's just me.

Thankfully, we are hosting Thanksgiving here in a few days and there's plenty to do to keep me busy. Life moves on. I have 4 weeks left, 2 weeks off and then I start my new 'life' - new job, no commute and a lot of new things to learn. 2007's going to be a very good year.

I'm not ready to make nice.
I'm not ready to back down.
I'm still mad as hell
and I don't have time
To go round and round and round.
It's too late to make it right.
I probably wouldn't if I could.
I'm just mad as hell and I don't have time
To do what it is you think I should.

- Not Ready to Make Nice - Dixie Chicks

Check

below. New post that was in 'draft' stage for awhile.

Interview

Went well. Going back for level 2 in a half hour - with the Board. YIKES. I'll keep you posted. The HR manager said she would call me on my cell phone to tell me if I should come back - so I went and sat in the Albertson's parking lot for 1/2 hour because my cell phone doesn't get very good reception at home sometimes and I didn't want to risk missing her call. So on to phase 2. Haven't had dinner yet since I'm too nervous to eat.

Bad

I was a 'bad' mother over the weekend. Completely lost it with B. about a comment he made related to 'stuff' that was on the kitchen floor. Grocery items that were sitting there in their bags, not put away. His comment made me so angry - I was literally flipping mad. Partly because he's right- those items didn't belong there. But mostly because he judges what he refuses to assist with. The majority of putting away and/or attempting to organize falls squarely on my shoulders, apparently because I am the 'mom' and that makes it my job.

I am not intrinsincly organized. My sisters both are. Amazingly adept at categorizing, culling, organizing, putting things away RIGHT away because there is a place for everything and everything must be in it's place. My paternal grandmother was exactly the same way - she even made little signs with instructions for virtually everything in her mountain cabin that anyone could/would touch. Reminders to double check the faucets were turned all the way off; the refrigerator door was snugly closed; linen closets closed and latched, etc. It was 'Grammy's way' and we all accepted it and most importantly, DID what those little signs told us to. My brother-in-law M. (who's an artist) even made beautifully elaborate, decorative signs to help with Grammy's cause so at least when we were all being 'reminded', we could enjoy the reminder more.

Our house doesn't have signs. It has a mom and a dad and two kids. It has 5 bedrooms, an office, 3 bathrooms, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a bird and a frog. A big yard, a pool, a kitchen, formal dining room, livingroom, family room and laundry room. It is often overwhelming though I love every square inch of it and wouldn't trade any of it for a gazillion dollars. I want to live in this house until I die - I love it that much. But it is a LOT to do and I frequently feel overwhelmed. And under-motivated. I've been fine with our house being what it is - slightly cluttered, not immaculate. It is home. It is MY home. And when one of my kids points out that something isn't where it should be, I lash out because I take it personally and because I don't understand why THEY can't notice things aren't where they should be and HELP put them where they belong.

I have tried to use the FlyLady technique - no martyr. Do what you can, when you can. Every little bit helps. I blew it this weekend - the martyr in me came flying out with wild abandon. Resulting in both B. and me upset - me angrily working more to clean the kitchen. Him in his room trying to work on HIS gigantic mess. He didn't inherit the 'organizational skills' from my side of the family, either. And J.'s side doesn't have them either. So B. struggles with trying to stay organized and trying to 'keep up' with all the stuff he has on his plate. I guess sweeping the floor and realizing that sweeping involved PICKING UP STUFF wasn't something he wanted to do. But he did it.

Motherhood is a tough job. The hardest part isn't the kids. It's how hard a person can be on themself. How I can berate myself and rip my insides to shred with remorse, regret, sorrow for losing it with my sons. Wishing I could turn back time and have that moment over again. But you can't. You just have to apologize (which I did), explain where your head was at (which I also did) and move on. Which we both did. That's what family and love are all about.

Soccer

Another season closed today. H.'s team came in 3rd for their league - a 'disappointment' only in that a crazy 'bracketing' set up forced them to play for 3rd or 4th even though they went into the last game with the 2nd highest 'points' from the playoff games. Strange thing, these bracketing rules. Still, the kids were good sports and played two great games, which they won. They had a fantastic season - the best H. has ever played - and the coaches this year were so incredibly outstanding. A husband and wife team and a retired Tracy HS coach and counselor as the assistant. They really worked hard at 'conditioning' the kids - lots of laps, sit ups, etc. and then the 'plays' to keep the ball moving. It was a great team - a couple of the kids we have had 'experiences' with before and weren't really looking forward to having them 'around' again - but all in all, not a bad season. H. has a new trophy to add to his collection and a team poster which we'll get framed.

The weekend flew by, as weekends usually do.

I got a call on Friday from the school district in Tracy and have an interview in a little over a week. Of course, the minute I hung up from the call, I started the usual 'ruminating' - 'why DID I apply for this job?'. 'How do you interview and persuade people to hire you when you're not really sure you want to leave - when you have a perfectly great job - why did you do this'??? Over and over. But it can't hurt to interview - certainly no commute is a HUGE plus. But it is hard to even think about leaving the college - my boss is in shock - not that I got an interview, 'cuz he knew I would. But shocked that it IS happening - I am interviewing. I am thinking of leaving. I know he hopes I won't get it or if I get offered, that I won't accept. And I can't tell him that I will - or that I won't - 'cuz I have no idea what I'll do. All I know is that I DO have an interview on 11/14 and WILL be interviewing for a job that is a step up - and so, so much closer to home. So we'll see.

B. passed his driver's permit test on the first try. On Wednesday, he has his first behind the wheel lesson, which is required to 'activate' his permit. After that, he can drive with us - and in fact MUST drive with us for at least 50 practice hours before trying for his license in 6 months. He is very excited about driving. J. took him to an industrial park today and they 'drove' around the parking lot for an hour - just B. getting used to what it feels like to turn, accelerate, brake, etc. J. said he did pretty well and he thinks his neck will be OK (that's a joke). And B. said 'it was really a rush' when he hit 20MPH. Great, I think - just wait till he feels what 50's like. Scary to me. I just have to hope for the best....and wait for the revised insurance bill which should arrive any day.

Signing off. Heading to bed soon. Another Monday looms larger than life - I hate Mondays. I really do. The transition between two days of 'not working' back to 'work' is so, so hard. Thankfully, this week is a short week since we have Friday off! YEAH.

Retiring

When we retire, I think we will be quite happy eating from the Albertson's deli: roasted chicken, crunchy pea salad, fruit salad and cous-cous. Well, the cous-cous isn't from the deli, technically, but it's now one of our favorite 'side dishes'. Quick, filling and SO easy to make on a rushed evening. AND it will be MUCH cheaper to eat when we retire 'cuz we won't have two teenage boys to fill up! Can't wait.